Paging Abbott and Costello

Who says cell phones cause cancer?

WHO.

That's what I'm asking - who?

WHO.

You mean the Baba O'Riley dudes say cell phones cause cancer?

Cleaning day

I couldn't stand the smell anymore so I cleaned the nest today. All five babies hopped around in the bathtub while I worked. A couple of them can fly a little. I was afraid they might escape but they couldn't stay airborne long enough.

In the third picture, you can see the smallest baby that still has fuzz on his head. The bottom picture shows some of the dried poop I dumped out of the nest.

Mom and dad didn't freak out as much as I thought they might. The babies are back in the nest now and everyone's settled down for the night.

Quote of the day

Tivo shot. FB hacked. Is my blender gonna attack me next? #TheToasterIsVeryLoyal

- tweet from Rep. Anthony Weiner after a picture of large-weinered man was posted to his account

Cat-related pondering

1) Why don't cat food companies make canned food that's nothing but gravy? For the last couple of years when Percival and Jasmine (before she died) were sick, they would only eat canned food with gravy - and mostly, they just licked off the gravy and left the chunks.

2) Why is it that as soon as I take the hood off the litter box and start scooping, Lizzie needs to poop? It doesn't matter whether I do it first thing in the morning or later afternoon or evening. Is she so proud of her poop that she saves it up so she can show me? Would she get constipated if I didn't clean the box every day?

3) Why are young cats so fascinated with tails? If Percival is silly enough to leave his untucked, Lizzie attacks it. If his tail isn't available, she goes after her own. She spends a good part of each morning rolling around on the bed wrestling her tail.

Now it's time for me to hit the road. I'm taking Mom to the cemeteries today to put flowers on the graves.

Two dropouts

These two were on the floor of the cage this morning. They're not as big and don't have as many feathers as the one from yesterday.

News from La Cage aux Folles

Every morning, I find one of the babies on the floor of the cage. The one who fell out today is in the top picture. He's bigger and more fledged out than the others. The second picture shows four of the babies crowded together at the opening. Then a couple of closeups of mama Sophie and daddy Harold.

I know the poop is disgusting but I can't dump them all out of the nest to clean it. Not unless I want to give their parents heart attacks. One of the things I discovered is that the babies sometimes back up to the opening and poop over the edge. There's a little pile of baby bird poop under the nest.

Zuckerberg strikes again

Blogger was really screwed up last week and I speculated that it might have something to do with the rivalry between Google and Facebook - maybe Mark Zuckerberg had hacked Blogger. Well, it's been screwed up again the last couple of days. I can't log in or post or approve comments with my regular browser (Firefox) but I can do it with IE. Other people can't log in with IE but they can with Chrome. This has been going on for a few days but when you go to Blogger's help page, they say the problem is resolved.

Um, no, it's not. I never did get back several of the comments that disappeared after they'd already been approved and posted last week. And yesterday I saved a draft of a post then wasn't able to log in when I came back later to finish it. Now the post has disappeared from my "edit posts" list.

I wish I could remember what I wrote because it was good. Or maybe it wasn't - I don't remember.

Some quickies:

• You know that Ryan plan to kill Medicare that the House and Senate Republicans voted for? They're not really going to kill Medicare. No, really, they're not. Really. Who you going to believe - Paul Ryan or your own lying eyes?

• Last night, Lady GagMe performed her new single on the American Idol finale. It sounded awfully familiar to me. People have already pointed out how "Born This Way" is a rip off of Madonna's "Express Yourself." Well, now she's ripping off Cher. GagMe's "The Edge of Glory" sounds an awful lot like Cher's "Song for the Lonely." Listen to the choruses. But Gaga's soooooo original. Blech.

• Speaking of American Idol, I'm okay with the fact that Scotty won. I liked Lauren better but neither one of them was as good as Casey (damn him for growling) or James (damn him for getting cocky). When they brought back the rest of the contestants, I couldn't even remember the names of most of the girls. About Scotty - he's got a good voice but to me, it's like he's imitating a country singer instead of being one. The smug-but-slightly-humble way he looks into a camera says he knows he'll be getting lots of pussy. (Okay, that was a little crude but come on, he's a teenage boy. You know that's what he's thinking.)

• Here's a guide on how to not get any pussy

• And while we're on the subject, Stoned Cats

Thought for the day

I'm forty minutes into Oprah's final show, which she seems to be devoting to self-congratulations and preaching. Apparently the reason I got cancer is because Jesus doesn't like people who don't worship him.

Guess I'm not going to miss her that much.

I'm a bitter old bitch.

An optimistic look at Republicanism

Ignoring warnings about imminent terrorist attacks led to thousands of Americans killed in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania, an unwinnable war in Afghanistan and the loss of civil rights for Americans.

Lying about weapons of mass destruction and inventing a connection between Saddam and bin Laden led to thousands of American troops maimed and killed, many more thousands Iraqi civilians killed and enormous profits for Haliburton and other Bush/Cheney cronies.

But those aren't the biggest reasons George W. Bush will go down as the most destructive president in American history. This is.

The craziest thing about all of it is that Republicans want to continue the tax cut policies, corporate welfare and finance industry deregulation that are dragging the country - and the rest of the world - down the shithole.

What they don't seem to understand is that they are the ones who are destroying capitalism. When the economy collapses under the weight of Republican ignorance and corporate greed, it will make room for socialism and true democracy to rise worldwide.

There will be a new world order. And that's a good thing.

Overcrowding

Okay, first off, I'm annoyed with Blogger. It uploads the pictures in random order, not the order in which I selected them. Anyway ...

Another baby was out of the next this morning (he's in the top and bottom pictures). He was smaller than the one who fell out yesterday. They look so primitive when they're little.

I put him back in the nest, then later another baby fell out. Instead of putting that one back, I shredded a paper towel and made a little nest for him in the corner under the big nest. That's the second picture. Harold and Sophie are feeding him, so hopefully he'll be okay. More than likely he'll soon be joined by a sibling.

The third picture shows one of the bigger babies at the opening. They all crowd to the front of the nest to be the first in line for food, and I think the ones in back end up pushing the front ones over the edge.

Some people hand feed the babies. I'm going to look into that but I hope Harold and Sophie will be able to do the job.

Quote of the day

The next time you feel like complaining, consider that your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

- tweeter Alexis, posted on White Whine

Assorted quickies

Casey Anthony, the Florida woman who told police a nanny had kidnapped her 2 year old daughter Caylee, now claims: 1) The little girl accidentally drowned in the family's above-ground swimming pool. 2) Casey's father found the body and helped her dispose of it. 3) She didn't report the death because her father sexually abused her when she was a child. 4) It's all her mother's fault because her mother left the ladder by the pool.

She didn't, however, explain why Caylee's body was found with duct tape wrapped around her mouth.

The prosecution says Casey is a pathological liar. Ya think?

More quickies:

• A woman in Ohio has been convicted of murdering her 28 day old daughter. She placed the baby in a microwave and cooked her to death. The prosecution said it took about 2 minutes. It takes me longer to cook popcorn.

• John Edwards is about to be indicted for campaign finance violations, over payments he made to his baby mama Rielle Hunter. That turned out to be one expensive piece of ass.

• That whole Rapture thing that was supposed to happen last weekend? It's been rescheduled for October.

• Guess I shouldn't get too attached to Netflix.

• Sean Puffy Puff P Diddy Diddy Combs has changed his name to Swag. Like anyone gives a shit.

• Happy National Masturbation Month.

Guess who's coming to dinner

I should say guess who almost became breakfast. This little guy fell out of the nest this morning. At least, I'm reasonably sure he fell and wasn't pushed. The babies keep coming right up to the edge so they can be first in line to get fed. I wouldn't have seen this guy at all if mom and dad hadn't been fussing over him. They had hidden him behind the newspaper that lines the cage - I don't see how he could've lifted it up and got behind it by himself.

Since I had to handle him anyway, I put him on the counter to take a picture. In the half a second between me pushing the button and the flash snapping, Lizzie jumped up there and almost had him. The rest of the pictures were really blurry because I was operating the camera with one hand and holding her back with the other.

He's back in the nest now but it's only a matter of time until another one falls. When I left the bedroom, one of the other babies had its neck stretched out over the edge of the nest "chipping" (it's not quite chirping) for food.

Lizzie continues taking her toll

Tonight she broke one of the McCoy planters that belonged to my grandma. That's the second one she's destroyed. There's nowhere in the apartment I can put anything that she can't find a way to get to. I don't care if she kills all the plants but dammit, I love those pots.

Monday morning, I called the vet to schedule her spaying. I was hoping they could get her in this week but they won't take her until June 7th. Doctor wants to wait until she's six months old. Since I'm also having her declawed, she'll have to stay in the hospital for two nights. Percy and I can both use the break.

At the moment, she's peacefully sleeping on top my printer. Those are the cat treats under her head. She wants to make sure Percy doesn't get any.

The offspring

The top picture is Harold guarding the nest. The bottom picture shows the babies. You can see all five and mama Sophie's on the upper left.

Not quite dick in a box

Payback

I spent Saturday afternoon at my friends' house, babysitting while they were mowing the lawn and cleaning out their basement and garage. This was part of my payment for Mr. Friend repairing my computer.

Their kids are 5, 3 and 6 months and oh my god, they wore me out. I love them to pieces and thoroughly enjoyed my time with them, but I can't imagine living with three kids. The work is never ending. As soon as you get #1 taken care of, #2 needs something and while you're taking care of him, #3 is hanging off your elbow begging for his turn.

I used to babysit for them a few hours a week before my cancer diagnosis but I've hardly seen them this last year. I've missed the whole family. The five year old girl is brilliant and funny and sweet-natured but also very stubborn. Today she was easy. The three year old boy is also brilliant, funny, and sweet-natured - and autistic. When I got the baby down for a nap, I took 3yo outside to play.

Sometimes I kind of narrate what he does to encourage his language development and get him to interact with me. They have this plastic play set that's sort of a square house with a slide. As he was playing, I said, "You walk through the door - climb up on the shelf - come down the slide" and he smiled and said it after me. He loves repetitive activities so he did it over and over again. I'd say "Walk through the door, climb up on the shelf. What do you do next?" And he'd say "Come down the slide." Then I'd catch him and we'd clap and say "Yay."

He didn't want to stop. But it started raining so we had to go back inside. A tantrum ensued but it wasn't one of the scary head-banging tantrums he used to have. This time it was the typical 3 year old collapsing on the floor and crying. I tried distracting him with a snack and one of his favorite toys but he just needed to cry it out. I understand how that feels.

I went to tend to the baby and it wasn't long till 3yo calmed himself and started playing like his normal funny and adorable self.

The 6 month old is a sweetie. But wow, he's a lot heavier than he was the last time I saw him the day after he was born. He's laughing and smiling and trying to crawl, and also teething and wanting to be held a lot.

When I got home tonight, I really became aware of how much chemo aged me. It's not only the gray hair - I've got what feels like arthritis in my ankles, knees, hips and elbows. A day of bending and squatting and lifting took a bigger toll on me than it used to. I'm limping and hunched over and had to drag myself up the steps the way my mom does. I feel like I'm 70 instead of 50.

If I leave here tomorrow ...

... would you still remember me?

Rapture

Just in case I get called to heaven on Saturday, I wanted to say - It's been real and it's been fun.

The current head count

Today I got a really clear look into the nest while Harold and Sophie were busy eating. There were five babies with wide open beaks. That's right - five.

One of them is significantly smaller than the others and one is bigger. The little guy must be getting crowded out at meal time. It really is survival of the fittest.

You can see the four bigger babies in the picture. Count the white streaks in front of Sophie - each streak is the marking next to the beaks of the babies.

The last couple of nights, I've been locking the birds in the bathroom. Lizzie doesn't really try to hurt them - she just jumps up beside the cages and startles them. They can hurt themselves by trying to fly away and banging into the sides of the cage in the dark. So I placed them in the witness relocation program.

Percy hasn't been doing very well the last couple of days. His appetite's worse than usual and his eyes look kind of sunken.

I expect to be left behind at the Rapture but maybe Jesus will take him.

Splat! and TMI alert

One of the baby birds was out of the nest this morning. I'm not sure if it fell or the parents pushed it out because they have too many. My money's on fell. I picked it up and put it back in - and the first three times, it rolled right back out again and crashed to the bottom of the cage. The fourth time I pushed it back further and so far, it's still in there.

Now I wish I'd taken a picture but the poor little thing was so cold and mom and dad were hysterical.

The trip to Big City went okay on Tuesday. No masses felt. The pap smear results will be back in a few weeks.

One thing I realized during the exam - as the doctor was fisting my butt - was that having a gyn-oncologist with small hands is not really a good thing. His index finger is too short to reach whatever he's trying to reach so half his hand goes up there. Next time I go shopping for a gyn, I'll make sure s/he has long fingers.

On Wednesday, it suddenly hit home again - I could still die from cancer. Stage 3. More than one hopefully outdated website says I only have a 50-60% chance of being alive in five years.

This doesn't bode well

Washed-up actor Tom Sizemore's live-in girlfriend has been missing for more than a month. Police are questioning him but haven't named him as a suspect. Twenty-five year old Megan Wren was last seen with Sizemore. He has a long history of drug arrests and domestic violence.

In 2010, Jinele McEntire, the mother of his two children, filed a restraining order against him. She said he had invited her to his place to talk about their kids and the child support he hadn't paid. After she got there he punched her in the head and face and stomach and threw a knife in her direction.

In August 2009, he was charged with spousal battery after hitting a girlfriend outside a bar. In May 2009, the police were investigating a domestic violence call and arrested Sizemore on an outstanding drug warrant. In March 2009, he was arrested for stealing cell phones and a pen and a highlighter from a Verizon store.

In 2007, he was arrested for drug possession and stood in front of a judge crying and begging, "I don't want to go to jail ... give me one more chance ... I guarantee I am not going to be here again!" She sent him to prison for violating probation from a 2004 meth conviction. He'd also gone to prison in 2005 for violating probation. Sizemore's also notorious for selling porn videos of himself.

In 2003, he was convicted of assault and battery against then-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss.

I'm not saying that Megan's dead or that Sizemore killed her - thinking it but not saying it - well, okay presenting it as a possibility. My point is:

Why do we wait until these sick fucks kill somebody before we lock them up and keep them there awhile?

UPDATE: The girlfriend was found safely hidden away at her father's place. There's still something fishy about the whole story.

Four tiny babies, two shattered cats

This morning I counted four hatchlings in the nest. One is smaller than the others so I'm not sure if he'll make it.

In Lizzie's efforts to get at the birds today, she climbed the niknak shelf on the wall behind them and broke a ceramic cat. That's the second one she's destroyed. You can see it in the picture - it's the black and white one on the upper left. I had already moved most of them off the bottom shelf because she'd climbed up there before.

The two older babies are in the cage on the left. Harold's on the upper perch in the blue cage. Sophie and the new babies are in the nest.

I'm not sure who I'm going to lock in the bathroom tomorrow while I'm gone. I hate leaving Lizzie in there all day but I think she (and I know Percy) can open the door from the outside, so it probably won't do much good to shut the birds in there.

The flea market notified me that the fire marshal is forcing them to do some repairs in the room where I have my booth, so I have to move all my stuff to a different booth. I just set it up last month. They don't have any other booths available for me to move into but they're building some new ones. If they give me one of the new ones, it'll actually be in a better location than where I'm at now.

In a few more hours, I'll be leaving for the big city. It's time for my 3 month check up with the gyn-oncologist. I have to drive 2 hrs, then probably wait an hr for a 15-minute exam. He'll shove in the speculum, ogle me, pull it out and shove in the hand, then a finger in the butt for good measure. Yay.

How far would you drive for a finger up your ass?

I might actually go to the theater for this one

Three, possibly four

This afternoon, I saw three wide open baby bird beaks and it looked like there was another clump of gray in the back. When mom and dad are out of the nest, the babies' normal position is heads up with beaks open, but as soon as they hear a noise or see the flash from the camera, they hunker down and hide.

In the top picture, you can see the orange throat and open beak of one baby on the left and to the right, you can see the orange throat and tip of a closed beak of another baby. The gray fur from another baby (or two) is in the back.

In the second picture, the baby on the left has his head tucked down; the one on the right has his head up and beak closed, and you can see the other one(s) in the back. In the third picture, mama Sophie returned. The big Lizzie ear in the bottom picture shows you part of the reason I'm having such a hard time counting hatchlings.

The nest is filthy. I didn't want to disturb them so it hasn't been cleaned since the first set of eggs appeared a couple months ago. Birds are messy, messy creatures. They scatter seeds everywhere and even poop in their own food and water.

Butch and Sundance

These are the older babies. Sorry it's so blurry. Butch is on the right - you can see the orange circle forming on his cheek. Sundance is on the left. There's no orange circle so I'm pretty sure she's female, but it's possible s/he's maturing more slowly. Their legs were completely black a few days ago. The beaks are changing too.

The camera shows things I can't see in real life - like I should've cleaned the perch better before I moved them into the new cage.

Finch fight

I'm not sure what set them off, but my finches woke me up this morning squawking and screeching and flapping.

Harold and Sophie must have decided they didn't want babies #1 and #2 around anymore because they were really going after them. I'm sure the new babies had something to do with it - the big babies were probably messing with the nest.

The big babies are in the other cage now. I'm 100% sure one's a male and 99% sure the other's female, so I named them. Butch and Sundance, because they're outlaws.

Not that Robert Redford was the least bit effeminate but I thought Sundance could go either way.

Hatchlings

My finches have produced two more babies. They're teeny tiny little things - you can't see much more than a bit of gray fuzz and a couple of wide-open beaks. There were five eggs total. Mom and dad won't let me get a good look to see if any more have hatched.

Daddy Harold will be moving to a different cage the moment these new babies leave the nest. It's really not safe for Sophie breed again this year.

The troll speaks

Yesterday, CBS announced that Ashton Kutcher will be replacing Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men." Co-star Jon Cryer responded to CBS's announcement:

I want to express my enormous gratitude to Charlie Sheen for eight great seasons. I'm extremely proud of the work we've done together, and I will miss him. But I'm also looking forward to this new beginning ...

Ashton is an extraordinarily talented guy, and his presence will be an asset to our show. We are old friends from our male modeling days, and we're both looking forward to being judged for our comedic artistry, as opposed to our exceptional physical beauty ...

I'm jazzed about the news this morning that Two and a Half Men is coming back! For all the rest of the cast and crew I'm sure they are equally excited.

This is the same Jon Cryer that Charlie had called "a turncoat, traitor and a troll."

See, Charlie, Jon showed you how grown ups behave.

He's been awfully quiet lately

Anyone else notice how fucked up Blogger's been the last few days?

It started when they did some kind of maintenance on Wednesday. The site was down much of Thursday night and Friday. Some of the posts I made this week disappeared. They've restored the posts but the comments that were there are gone.

The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if Mark Zuckerberg has anything to do with this. A couple days ago, a report came out that Facebook had secretly hired a PR firm to badmouth Google. For anyone who didn't know, Blogger - Blogspot - is owned by Google.

Next Tuesday, I have to go to the big city for a checkup with my gyn-oncologist. I've been congratulating myself for not worrying about it too much. Then I started worrying because I'm superstitious enough to think if I don't worry, then they will find cancer and if I do worry they won't. I decided that was silly and went back to congratulating myself. I'm so under control.

Except it turns out I'm not. Oprah talks about how her diet guru used to tell her she overate because of stress but she told him she didn't feel any stress. And he said "That's because you're eating it!"

I've been eating my stress.

After my last checkup three months ago, I set a goal to lose at least 10 pounds before the next one. And I did - when I weighed myself on Monday, I had lost exactly 10 pounds.

Now I've gained 5 pounds of it back. The last few days I've
been stuffing myself with pizza, ice cream, extra buttery popcorn and chocolate. All the things I'd stopped eating for awhile. Okay, I never completely gave up chocolate but I hadn't been overdoing it until now.

My weight always fluctuates a few pounds from one day to the next, so it's possible to drop that 5 pounds just as quickly as I gained it back. But now I'm stressed out over gaining weight and damn, that makes me hungry.

Speaking of overindulging, The Donald really overdid the media blitz to the point where I think even he realized he was making a complete ass of himself. The Apprentice's ratings went down. I haven't seen or heard a thing from him in at least a week. Not that I miss him but I could use a good laugh.

Donald, where are you?

Quote of the day

Put your pants on and go home.

- former Senator John Ensign's spiritual advisor

Who let the birds out?

My first clue that this morning was going to be a little more exciting than usual was when I heard a crash in the kitchen. My first thought was, Where's Lizzie?

In the kitchen, of course.

Percival followed me to investigate. When we both saw the garbage bin tipped over with the contents spilling out, we exchanged a look. If a cat can roll his eyes, that's what he was doing. Like, oh, it's her again.

Lizzie was on the windowsill above the garbage. I thought she was trying to eat the plants again. Then she started batting at the window blind and I heard wings flapping. One of my baby finches was in the window trapped behind the blinds and Lizzie was closing in on him. I shooed her away, caught the bird, then Lizzie followed me into the bedroom and hopped up on the dresser to watch me return baby bird to the cage.

Then a gray blur flew past my head and Lizzie lunged at it. The other baby bird. I needed a net to catch that one. Back to the cage. Take inventory - all four birds accounted for.

But they didn't escape by themselves - the sliding doors are too heavy for them to budge. So who let the birds out? It wasn't me. It wasn't Percy - he was in the living room with me. Lizzie? She's not talking.

Needless to say, the bird cage's doors are wired shut now.

In the picture, you can see the baby's legs and beak are turning orange and the orange circle is starting to form on his cheek so I know he's a he. I think the baby behind him is female.

This doesn't bode well

Washed-up actor Tom Sizemore's live-in girlfriend has been missing for more than a month. Police are questioning him but haven't named him as a suspect. Twenty-five year old Megan Wren was last seen with Sizemore. He has a long history of drug arrests and domestic violence.

In 2010, Jinele McEntire, the mother of his two children, filed a restraining order against him. She said he had invited her to his place to talk about their kids and the child support he hadn't paid. After she got there he punched her in the head and face and stomach and threw a knife in her direction.

In August 2009, he was charged with spousal battery after hitting a girlfriend outside a bar. In May 2009, the police were investigating a domestic violence call and arrested Sizemore on an outstanding drug warrant. In March 2009, he was arrested for stealing cell phones and a pen and a highlighter from a Verizon store.

In 2007, he was arrested for drug possession and stood in front of a judge crying and begging, "I don't want to go to jail ... give me one more chance ... I guarantee I am not going to be here again!" She sent him to prison for violating probation from a 2004 meth conviction. He'd also gone to prison in 2005 for violating probation. Sizemore's also notorious for selling porn videos of himself.

In 2003, he was convicted of assault and battery against then-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss.

I'm not saying that Megan's dead or that Sizemore killed her - thinking it but not saying it - well, okay presenting it as a possibility. My point is:

Why do we wait until these sick fucks kill somebody before we lock them up and keep them there awhile?

Update 5-14-11: They found her, safe and sound with her father. Now Sizemore claims she wasn't his girlfriend, just a neighbor. I still think there's something fishy.

Dead cows

One summer when I was about 8 or 9, we had a streak of days when the temperature stayed close to 100. A bunch of cows died on a farm a few miles outside of the little town where we lived. My dad took me to see them. The dead cows were lined up on both sides of the lane (that's what you call the driveway on a farm). They were stiff and bloated with their legs sticking up in the air and all kinds of people were walking around looking at them.

That's what you do in small towns. When lightning strikes the big tree in someone's front yard, you go to see the tree. If there's a car wreck, everybody goes to the tow lot to see the car. Once I saw one where somebody's head had gone through the windshield. The front seat was covered with bits of glass and blood and brains.

Lizzie's not dead in this picture, she scared the hell out of me when I found her like that. She was taking a nap in the coolest spot in the apartment.

On Monday and Tuesday, the temperature was in the 90s. Today it's cool enough that I need a sweater. Like they say - if you don't like the weather in Iowa, just wait a day and it'll change.

Shut off the frigging alarm already

One of my neighbors is either dead or left before his alarm clock went off. It's been beeping continuously for at least an hour now.

I usually don't hear these things. But it's been really hot here - in the 90s - and I don't have my AC installed yet. Everyone's windows are open and I'm suddenly aware of the fact that I have a lot of neighbors and they're fucking noisy.

Meanwhile, Lizzie has discovered my mummies. I made them several years ago to sell at the flea market. I'd take a pipe cleaner, bend it into the shape of a man then wrap it in gauze and glue on some googly eyes. I have a stash left over in my bedroom that don't have eyes yet. I always intend to finish them but every year, Halloween rolls by and I forget.

I'm not sure how Lizzie found them. They're in the same drawer where I keep the bird supplies. I must have left it open at some point. She stole one of the mummies a few weeks ago and had been playing with it ever since. Yesterday, the gauze had unraveled to the point where the pipe cleaner was exposed so I threw it out.

As soon as I opened the drawer to get the bird food this morning, Lizzie sprinted across the room, leapt onto the dresser, dived into the drawer, grabbed a mummy and jumped out. Now she's rolling around on the bedroom floor wrestling with it.

Percy's jealous. He used to play with mummies but he doesn't know where I keep them now. I'll have to dig one out for him. Seems only fitting - my zombie should have a mummy of his own.

As you can see from the picture, Lizzie and Percival are friends now.

Crotch-enhanced chest thumping

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

This is just hi-larious

The GOP freshmen in Congress won election by running attack ads against Democrats for cutting Medicare. All the Dems had actually done was vote to cut some of the waste in Medicare - they did nothing that would cut benefits for recipients. Once they got to Congress, these same GOP assholes voted to end Medicare and turn it into a voucher program that would give more tax dollars to private insurance companies while cutting benefits for seniors and the disabled.

Now these very same assholes are whining that it's unfair to run attack ads against them for trying to do away with Medicare. The leader of the brat pack is Rep. Adam Kinzinger or Illinois. He says, "Let's get past the past. Let's move forward to the future, and say, 'ok, today is today, and we have a real problem."

Yes, dear, you do have a problem. You voted to end a very popular program that people depend on. Do you really expect us to let you off the hook for that?

Like his campaign ad said, Adam Kinzinger runs towards trouble, not away from it. He's in deep trouble now.

Men have no modesty

I was going to ignore this story but the more I run across it in my surfing, the more it pisses me off. An ultra-orthodox Jewish newspaper in New York altered the now famous photo of Obama and his advisors in the situation room while the Osama bin Laden assassination was going down. The paper erased Hillary Clinton and the only other woman in the room, Counterterrorism Director Audrey Tomason. As if they didn't exist. As if we have no Secretary of State.

The newspaper says it doesn't publish photographs of women because ultra-orthodox Jews believe that showing images of the female form is immodest but it's okay to show men. Women are supposed to be modest but men aren't.

More silliness from the right:

• A high school teacher in Texas told a Muslim student "I bet you're grieving" over the death of bin Laden. The teacher was suspended and now, apparently, canned. I bet he's grieving over the death of his career.

• The Florida legislature passed a bill that forbids doctors - esp. pediatricians - to ask their patients if they have guns in their homes. The NRA says: Pediatricians and other physicians, in growing numbers, are prying into our personal lives, invading our privacy and straying from issues relating to disease and medicine by questioning children or their parents about gun ownership.

Seems kind of silly to single out guns for this kind of protection. Apparently it's still okay for a doctors in Florida to ask patients if they eat donuts, smoke cigarettes and fuck random strangers - that's not too private. But that Glock daddy keeps under his pillow is nobody's business but his own.

When the two year old finds it and shoots himself and they haul him into the ER, are the doctors allowed to ask where the bullet came from?

• Donald Trump is not racist and he can prove it because a black guy won The Apprentice once. No word yet on whether or not some of Donald's best friends are black.

Greedy bastards

As if Google doesn't already know way too much about me, tonight when I logged in they asked for my phone number. There was a dire warning that I may not be able to access my blog if they don't have my number. Because apparently they won't email my forgotten password to me anymore?

No go. I don't want a bunch of phone calls from telemarketers who know exactly what I look at online. I haven't had a telemarketing call in more than two years, ever since I got rid of my land line. And I don't miss them either.

I remember when rock was young

Elton John did a concert in Sioux City last week. I was just browsing through photos of people lined up out front waiting for the show to start. There was something very striking about EJ's fans - they're really old.

According to the local paper, he did a three-hour show with no opening act. Wish I'd been there.

Did you see what happened on Oprah?

How many times have you heard someone say that - or said it yourself? Today Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts were on Oprah and Tom pointed out that people wouldn't be saying that anymore.

When I heard this was going to be her last season, it didn't matter that much to me. I haven't been watching her show that much the last couple of years. I felt like she'd become a little too full of herself and way too preachy.

Now there are only 13 shows left and I'm sad. I started watching Oprah way back when she was doing a morning show on WGN. Who would've guessed she'd have such a huge influence on American culture?

The last several weeks (maybe longer), on every episode they have clips of celebrities talking about how much Oprah means to them and what they're going to miss about her. It's touching and I agree with most of what they say. But there's something a little unseemly about her featuring that on her own show. Every single day.

She's earned the praise she's getting but she is a little too full of herself. And I'm really going to miss her.

Millionaire bloopers and other quickies

When I went to Walmart this afternoon, they wanted to make damn sure that I didn't forget this weekend was Mother's Day. They had cardboard displays full of Mother's Day cards in the main aisles and all kinds of signs everywhere. Good thing too, because I had forgotten Mother's Day. Mom, the card's in the mail, Walmart gift card enclosed.

Lizzie's got a weird bump on her lower lip. It looks like a pimple on the inside. Googling says it's most likely an allergy. I'm guessing it's a reaction to one of the plants she's been chewing on. None of them are poisonous to cats.

Percival gave me another scare this morning. He didn't jump in bed with me or follow me to the bathroom but he showed up when I popped the top on the cat food. I swear, the old guy's going to outlive me.

A few quickies:

• Illinois has dropped out of DHS's "Secure Communities" program, which was supposed to focus on deporting hardened criminals who were here illegally. But 1/3 of the deportees in Illinois had never been convicted of a crime.

Meanwhile, the state legislature is working on its own version of the Dream Act which will help provide scholarships for students who were brought here illegally. I'm not sure how well that's going to work though. The state doesn't have the authority to grant them legal status. By coming forward to apply for the program, the students would out themselves and risk being deported.

• Gentlemen, start your engines! Well, not you, Donald.

• Speaking of millionaire bloopers ...

Quote of the day

We now accept thousands of security cameras in public places, intrusive physical searches and expanding police powers as the new reality of American life. The privacy that once defined this nation is now viewed as a quaint, if not naive, concept. Police power works like the release of gas in a closed space: expand the space and the gas fills it. It is rare in history to see ground lost in civil liberties be regained through concessions of power by the government. Our terrorism laws have transcended bin Laden and even 9/11. They have become the status quo. That is the greatest tragedy of bin Laden's legacy — not what he did to us, but what we have done to ourselves.

- Jonathan Turley

The grownups have joined the discussion

After years of revelry as The Party of No, some of the more sensible Republicans are waking up from their drunk-on-power slumber. Rep. Dave Camp, the Republican chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, has decided he's not going to bring up Ryan's let's-kill-Medicare-while-we-pretend-we're-saving-it plan in committee. Camp said:

"I'm not really interested in laying down more markers ... I'd rather have the committee working with the Senate and with the president to focus on savings and reforms that can be signed into law."

Working together. What a concept. Maybe Obama sent him a memo: If you don't play fair, I'll call the Seals.

Or maybe Camp can read the polls: 80% of registered voters are against cutting Medicare and Medicaid. Even 70% of Tea Party supporters oppose it.

I'm a poodle

People keep asking me if I got a perm because my hair is so curly. Remember poodle perms that were so popular in the 80s? That's me now.

Other chemo patients have told me theirs grew back curlier than it was before. Mine was always this curly when I had it cut really short, which was rarely. It's nice and thick but the texture is coarser than it used to be. I have one nearly bald spot in back but it won't show once it grows longer.

Seven months since I finished chemo. I'm still having lots of joint pain, especially in my knees and ankles, and my arms go numb all the time.

The last couple of days I've been having this achy twinge of pain on my lower right side, near where my appendix used to be. I'm afraid it could be a tumor. But it's highly unlikely I'd have a tumor large enough to cause pain so soon after I finished treatment. My cancer was supposed to be non-aggressive.

I'm overdue for having my potassium and cholesterol rechecked. I'm putting it off because the numbers won't be any better than they were before. I'll die of a heart attack before cancer gets me.

But at least I'll have cute hair.

My babies

Lizzie spends a lot of time camped out right next to the bird cage which is better than sitting on top of it like she was doing before. The picture of the babies was taken about a week ago. They were in the dirtiest corner of the cage, right under the perch where Harold and Sophie sit all day.

WTF was she thinking?

Those pants would make a skinny girl look fat - and J Lo ain't skinny. And the hair. And the over-made-up face.

I love you, girl, but you spent way too much money to end up looking like shit.

Another silly thought for the day

But what does Tiger Woods' mistress think about Osama?

Silly thought for the day

Last night, NBC preempted the end of Celebrity Apprentice to announce bin Laden's death.

Obama to Trump: pwned!

Quote of the day

"Donald Trump has been saying that He will run for President as a Republican, which is surprising, since I just assumed He was running as a joke."

- Seth Meyers

(Watch the whole thing - it's worth it. Also watch Obama.)

Well, that horse was already out of the barn

Soon after my baby finches left the nest, it appeared that daddy Harold wanted to breed again. He was trying to chase the babies away and busily shredding paper to reline the nest. It's not healthy for a female to have another clutch so close to the first so I moved Harold to another cage.

The last couple of days I noticed mama Sophie spending a lot of time in the nest. So I got the flashlight this morning and took a peek. Sure enough, she's got four more eggs in there.

She'll need help taking care of them so Harold moved back in. Hopefully, since she's already brooding he won't try to breed again. I may have saved his life because Lizzie was on the verge of figuring out how to open the cage he was in.

Lizzie has shredded at least 100 kleenexes. The box was half full at the beginning of the week but it's empty now. It's relatively cheap entertainment for her but good god, she's made a mess.

I can't wait till she discovers toilet paper.