I'm a heart attack waiting to happen

For the last year, I've participated on a forum for women with GYN cancers. I got lots of info and support there when I was going through chemo last summer/fall and radiation in the fall/winter. Then I stuck around for a few months to give back some of what I'd been given. I kept telling women who were facing chemo that I had no regrets about doing it.

Well, today I regret it. My ankles feel like someone swapped out my healthy, flexible achilles tendons for dried-out leather. They're so tight when I walk - even worse going up and down stairs - and they hurt like hell. My knees and elbows hurt, my hands keep going numb. All of these are common side effects of carbo-taxol. I expected it to get better as time went on but it's getting worse.

I've also had a lot of muscle pain and cramping in my right arm. I'm not sure if that's also a side effect or if I strained it somehow, but the pain has been going on for weeks now.

Chemo ruined my hair. It used to be soft, with gentle curly waves. Now it's dry and coarse and looks like a really bad poodle perm. I was hoping it would go back to normal as it got longer, but it's almost as long as it was before chemo and still poodling all over my head. I hate it!

I am so stressed out about money. The cost of everything I buy on a regular basis - groceries, gas and pet supplies - have gone up and up for the last year. Plus I've had lots of extra expenses from cancer - trips out of town to see the oncologists, over the counter supplements and supplies, and co-pays for drugs, doctors and procedures. My co-pays are small but on my income, they add up fast.

The flea market where I have a booth moved to a new location. The first month was great - I sold a lot more stuff than usual. The second month, they told me the fire marshal was forcing them to close the room where I had my booth so I had to move. They were building a new booth for me. For more than a month, I didn't take any new stuff in because I thought I'd be moving. That meant my sales dropped off dramatically. I kept waiting for them to get the new booth ready.

Finally, more than a week ago, the owner showed me where my new booth would be. They still hadn't put the walls up but she said it would be ready in a couple days. So last Friday, I went in. They had moved all my stuff to the new booth even though they still didn't have the walls up. They had basically just tossed my stuff in there - didn't arrange it or anything, and it looked like shit, as did all the other booths around it because they'd done the same thing to all of them. And my old booth - the one they told me the fire marshal was forcing them to close - is now filled with their stuff that they're selling.

They swapped out one set of my shelves for a different set. They had loaned me the set they took away, but it was supposed to be mine to use as long as I wanted. The set they replaced it with is ugly and rusty. Some of the fabric I'm selling now has rust stains.

I told them I wasn't happy. I wanted the walls they promised me - 2x4's with chicken wire - because I always hang stuff on the wire for display, plus it keeps the neighbors from invading my space with their stuff. I also wanted the shelves they took away. The owner said no problem, they'd get the walls put up and they'd bring the other shelves back and it would be ready the next day.

That was Friday. I went back this morning and none of it was done.

Meanwhile, I have two boxes of merchandise in my car. It's been there since Friday - in very hot and humid weather. I can't remember what all is in there but there's a good chance some of it's getting damaged by the heat.

My joints and tendons hurt too damn much to be carrying these heavy boxes up and down the stairs, or be putting it on shelves and taking it off again and moving things around over and over again.

I am so fucking pissed! I want to close the damn booth. I'm not making any money off of it because of the way they're jacking around. But the insurance program I'm on is for people with disabilities who also work. If I don't have the booth or get a regular job - which I'm not well enough to maintain - I lose my insurance.

Meanwhile, between the stress and maybe the position of the stars, I'm having wild mood swings and suicide thoughts and urges to just start screaming and throwing things. The fucking psych PA who was supposed to help me get my meds adjusted two weeks ago didn't do her job and I have to wait another week to see the psychiatrist to get the right meds, then wait longer to see if they work.

I've been stuffing my mouth with food to squelch the anxiety. Which is not helping my other, possibly most serious, problem. For the last couple of weeks I've been having heart palpitations. They come on when I'm just sitting or in bed, or when I'm carrying laundry or boxes of merchandise up and down the steps, just whenever. They only last maybe 30 seconds to a minute or two. It kind of feels like my heart is gurgling and gulping. Doesn't hurt at all, it's just a weird sensation. I've had this occasionally all my life, usually only with exertion, but now it's happening several times a day every day.

My father had a major stroke at 44 and died of a heart attack at 54. His father died of a heart attack at 41. His mother had heart bypass surgery in her 50s. My maternal grandfather died of a heart attack at 54; my maternal grandmother died of a heart attack at 62. The history's the same going back for generations, including aunts and uncles and cousins.

I have an appointment with my family doctor next week. Years ago, when I told her about occasional palpitations, she sent me to a cardiologist for tests. They didn't find anything but I wasn't having palpitations when I was there.

I'm rambling. It's just one of those days when I want to kill myself and I'm afraid I'll die. I'm depressed and manic, sad and paranoid, anxious and angry. I've wasted my life and continue to do so.