Yo quiero chichis

Good god, mammograms hurt. It has to be even worse for younger women with firm boobs. I was so afraid the machine was going to pull my chemo port loose and I'd start bleeding under my skin and have to get surgery to take it out and fix the hole in my vein.

I can always think of something to worry about.

Now, I'm worried about the results. It'll be at least a week before I get a letter from them telling me whether or not I get the all clear.

For those who've never had a mammogram, it goes like this: First you change into a gown that's open in the front. Then you take one arm out to expose one boob. They smash it between 2 cold plates from top to bottom. Then they turn it sideways (the machine, not the boob) and smash it (the boob not the machine) from side to side. Then they do the same thing to the other boob. Four pictures in all. Then you have to wait while the tech goes into another room to develop the films. If they didn't get a clear picture the first time, you have to get smashed again.

Yesterday when the tech came back and told me the films were okay, there was something about her manner that made me think she saw something bad on them. It's probably paranoia on my part but the breasts are one of the places where endo cancer spreads. And the same risk factors that set me up for endo cancer also lead to breast cancer.

That's how it's going to be from now on. Every time I go for any kind of test or procedure, I'm going to be afraid of what they'll find.

If I get the all clear on my boobs, colonoscopy is next. More anxiety. Then it'll be time for my 3-month gyn checkup and more anxiety and then ...

This is life after cancer. A continuous stream of things to worry about.