Monday, August 30, 2010
Campbell won his party's nomination to run but he hasn't "earned" the right to debate the incumbent?
Speaking of dumb people from Iowa, here's a little clip from one of King's predecessors, former Congressman Fred Grandy (same district). The song is "Obama Is a Muslim," set to the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear."
I also had my blood work at the cancer center today. It all looked good. I'm having stomach and acid reflux pain and I'm moving from constipation to diarrhea. Oh joy.
My mom called this afternoon. Her only sibling, my uncle, has prostate cancer. He just had the same staging surgery I had and he's having a rough time recovering from it.
When I told her how sick I was last week, she started crying. She said she feels bad that I have to go through this all alone and she wishes there was something she could do to help me. I'm going to throw her a bone and have her drive me home from chemo next time. We'll see how that goes.
I'm watching the ABC news right now. I got excited when I heard Iowa mentioned, then depressed when it's all about the egg recall. The guy who owns the place is not from here - he has egg "farms" in other states too. Iowa banned him from operating farms here because of past abuses but he just had someone else put their name on the paperwork.
The Republicans don't want more regulations and inspections to stop salmonella outbreaks. They just want to give the guy a tax break.
Speaking of corporate weasels, I'm sick to death of BP's "We take full responsibility" commercials about how great they're handling their fuck up. Liar liar wells on fire.
I tried to make myself get up and walk around the apartment but it just wasn't happening. I stayed in bed a lot and drifted in and out of lucidness. I was very depressed before the treatment and that didn't help. Lots of suicide thoughts and urges to cut myself.
I had no appetite and had to force myself to drink - everything tasted weird, especially water. Today's the first day I felt like I took in enough liquids.
I don't know if I can take two more cycles of this.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
He was fine - very professional, very detached. I didn't try to make conversation with him. I didn't mention how depressed I've been feeling.
Yesterday, I got a letter from the mental health center telling me that my psychiatrist (nurse practitioner) is on medical leave. My appointment in July had already been rescheduled for August. Now my rescheduled appointment has been rescheduled for October.
The worst part of all this, aside from the fact that the poor lady is sick, was that she was the one person I could talk to about chemo and cancer who got it. She told me she had cancer once. (Maybe that's why she's out on leave now.) I could tell her how I was feeling and not have to explain and not have her try to talk me out of it.
I called them and threw a tantrum. They gave me an appointment with a real psychiatrist next Monday. Now I'm thinking about canceling it. All he'll want to do is give me more drugs, and I'm not going to be able to open up to him anyway. What's the point.
I'm thinking about cancelling my therapy appointment too. My therapist has lost any pretense of maintaining boundaries. A couple months ago, she called me on a Saturday and left a voice mail to tell me she was buying a used car and asking me what things I wish I had checked before I bought mine. I didn't call her back because I didn't get the message until it was too late.
Now, at least half of our sessions are her talking about her problems. I know more about what's going on in her life right now than she knows about mine.
If I tell the psychiatrist about that, it would get her in trouble. If I ask to change therapists, it will hurt her feelings. She does genuinely care about me. She gave me her home phone number, her cell number and the number at the mental health center where I call her directly after hours. When I told her about my bone pain, she loaned me her heating pad to see if that would help.
I had a therapist more than twenty years ago who crossed boundaries like that. It felt good to have someone care about me and basically break the rules in her efforts to help me. But it ended disastrously and I came out looking like the crazy person even though she was at least as crazy as me.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
2) Last night, my writer's group liked my chapter better than I did. I feel like my writing totally sucks right now. Not a good time for me to be revising.
3) Links to political stories I've been reading, along with my comments:
• Top Muslim donor may leave Republican party because of mosque controversy: Why would she even consider staying?
• Sarah Palin supports Dr. Laura's right to say the n-word: They both think the First Amendment means nobody else has the right to criticize what they say.
• Sharron Angle wants to get rid of Social Security; no, she doesn't; yes, she does. Are all Republican women this confused? Sharron can't even spell her name right.
• Sharron Angle also thinks black is a wicked, ungodly color.
• Rep. Ed Markey calls bullshit on the Obama administration's claim that the oil in the Gulf just disappeared. Markey is one of my heroes.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
1) She's delusional if she thinks this will help her break into serious acting. She says it worked for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. But they pretended their sex tapes were accidental. And nobody takes them seriously.
2) One of the arguments anti-porn activists use is "That's somebody's daughter." If he's ever watched porn, maybe he had this coming. (Unintentional pun.)
3) If he didn't want his daughter to be a porn star, he shouldn't have given her a porn star name. Montana? Really?
My hormones must be going crazy because I cried a lot. It's not the kind of movie that would normally get to me that much.
One of the critics said that Julia's charming but it's a one-note plot. I kind of agree with that - it kept repeating the same point, about how she would change herself to be more like the guys she was with. It was really good though. It was character driven rather than plot driven and I loved the characters.
The one-note thing reminded me of my novel - too long because I keep repeating the same points over and over again. I'm working on that.
If I were writing a memoir, I would probably call it Eat Eat Eat because that's all I've been doing lately. One of these days I'm going to have to quit binging and start dealing with reality. Or not.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The closing days of a GOP primary race for state Senate between state Rep. Brian Nieves and Washington mayor Richard Stratman in Missouri got especially heated and ugly -- but accusations that Nieves committed adultery and paid alleged rapist Rod Jetton as a campaign consultant were nothing compared to what has happened since election day. Nieves, now the GOP nominee, stands accused of physically assaulting Stratman's campaign manager, Shawn Bell, threatening him with a gun, forcing him to strip and threatening the manager's boss.
Shawn Bell's account of events isn't exactly credible. He gives a few too many details and uses overly dramatic language such as "I began to curl up in a ball." He claims one of Nieves staffers closed the blinds when the altercation started. After Nieves pulled a gun on him, made him strip and threatened to kill him then let him go, Bell says he went back to retrieve his sunglasses.
This story reminds of the 2008 presidential campaign, where a Republican volunteer alleged that some black guys beat her up and carved a word on her face. But the word (letter? I can't remember the details) was a mirror image. She had done it to herself.
Staff and some key volunteers at Sioux City Gospel Mission will soon be asked to sign a statement agreeing that marriage is strictly between a man and woman, a move agency officials say is part of a larger effort to create volunteering policies.
Gospel Mission Pastor and Executive Director Harold Youtzy, Jr., said the statement, called the Statement of Marriage and Sexuality, and a Statement of Faith, which details the Mission's interpretation of scripture, are both part of an effort to revamp the agency's volunteer policies. Only key volunteers such as mentors will need to sign the statements, Youtzy said. Committee chairpersons also will need to sign the statements ...
The Statement of Marriage and Sexuality, which Youtzy emailed the Journal, states the Mission believes "any form of sexual immorality, such as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, bisexual conduct, bestiality, incest, pornography or any attempt to change one's gender, or disagreement with one's biological gender, is sinful and offensive to God."
It also states "all persons residing or employed by the Gospel Mission in any capacity, or who serve as board members, or who serve as key volunteers, should abide by and agree to this Statement of Marriage and Sexuality and conduct themselves accordingly."However, Mission Board Member Dick Salem said residents will not have to sign the marriage statement unless they transition into paid staff positions.
It doesn't sound like Salem has read the pledge. It says "all persons residing." That means resident, Dick.
And it doesn't sound like anyone at the Mission has actually read the bible.
Friday, August 13, 2010
This is my favorite movie of all time.
I started a new quilt so I'm not spending as much time online. I'm taking a break from the whole I-might-be-dying-from-cancer thing.
Monday, August 09, 2010
I also finished knitting the hat I've been working on and I got a couple of compliments for it.
Last night, a wicked storm blew through the area. It came up very suddenly and sheets of rain were blasting into the sides of the building. Lots of trees went down and people lost power but not at my place.
They were running late at the cancer center so I talked to another patient for awhile. He's a big Judge Judy fan. When they called him back, I talked to a woman who was waiting for her husband. He had prostate cancer 10 years ago, no recurrence since then, but they recently found a spot on his bone. They don't know if it's the prostate cancer returning, a separate cancer or nothing at all. She also told me her son died last year from colon cancer. He was 41 when he was diagnosed - Stage 4 - and lived with it for 7 years.
It's the first time I've really talked to any patients down there. It's funny - when there's a big storm, everybody wants to talk about it and that's how both my conversations got started.
I've rebounded from last week's chemo. Lots of numbness and tingling in my feet and lower legs but other than that, I feel fairly well. My blood work was good. Platelets and neutrophils were slightly low but nothing to worry about.
I was very efficient this morning. I went to DMV and went to pick up my prescriptions before my cancer appointment, then went to Walmart after. I'm stocked up on everything I need for the month. Maybe one more trip to the store in another week or two for milk and bread and produce.
But all in all, I feel positive about today. It's kind of like the storm blew a fresh attitude into my head.
There was a lot more to it, the dream was really elaborate. But the essential message was he knew something bad was happening and he was going to die and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
Which is exactly how he was the last time I saw him, the night before he had his final heart attack that left him unconscious and killed him a few days later. It's also exactly how he was right before he had his major stroke that left him paralyzed and brain damaged for the last 10 years of his life. He had this look of doom in his eyes and it was like he was speaking a foreign language. Not his actual speech - he didn't use an accent or anything. He just knew stuff that he wasn't able to communicate. He could speak and form the words he wanted to form, he just had this knowledge of what was to come and there wasn't a way for him to get the message across.
When I woke up from the dream tonight, I asked him if I'm going to die soon. If I'm going through all this shit for nothing.
This isn't how I want my life to be. It never has been the life I wanted. It's definitely not how I want to die.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Sunday, August 01, 2010
One of the rules for my blog: When you have nothing better to say, post a picture of Brad Pitt. A couple of videos are better than a picture.
I have my third chemo treatment in the morning.