From the department of "Out of the blue"

I have cancer.

My GYN called this afternoon - I was on my way out the door to go to Walmart - and told me the pathology report came back, she needed to talk to me and wanted me to come in right away.

She says she thinks they caught it early. It was in the endometrial layer of the uterus and it hadn't penetrated the muscle yet. The tumor was grade 1, which is good, but we won't know the stage until after another surgery.

The weird thing is they also found cells in the ovary. That's the part to worry about. It could mean there's a separate primary tumor in the ovary, or the cancer from the uterus metastesized to the ovary, or the samples were cross-contaminated during the surgery.

Next week, I have to go see a gynecological oncologist in the big city. There will be more surgery - they'll open my abdomen with a big incision, remove the cervix and the lymph nodes in the area and "wash" the area with saline to look for cancer cells.

Depending on what they find, I might need radiation or chemo or they might decide just to keep an eye on it.

She said it's a non-aggressive form of cancer. But she also said the timing was just right. Six months earlier, it might have been too early to find it and six months later, it might have been too late.

You see the contradiction, right? Non-aggressive but finding it six months from now might have been too late?

I'm now planning to spend the rest of the week pretending none of this happened.

MLTA strikes again

My landlord the asshole knocked on my apartment door about half an hour ago. He had the building manager, the pest control guy, and some other asshole he didn't identify with him. He says, "Pest control."

I told him my allergies are really bad right now (true - I've got vertigo from congested sinuses) so I didn't want the spray. He says they're still coming in to do an inspection. I say, "This is not a good time. I just had surgery 3 days ago and the place is a mess."

He says that's okay and pushes his way in, the stranger in tow.

Where's the fucking 24 hours notice, asshole?

I am so fucking tired of this shit. He might own the place but Iowa law (and the law in almost every jurisdiction in the U.S.) says that he has to give 24 hours notice before entering a tenant's apartment. They pull this shit all the time. Even when they do give notice, it's never a full 24 hours. They'll put a note on your door at 5:00 pm saying they're coming in at 10:00 the next morning.

The good news is I think the guy was someone who's looking to buy the place. He was checking for drips and looking at the appliances. He definitely wasn't from the city and he wasn't dressed like an insurance guy. I would love it if I never had to see MLTA again.

The bad news is, if MLTA sells the place, the new guy will be the 4th owner since I've lived here and every new owner has been worse than the one before.

About my vertigo: Every time I move my head, the world spins. I need some decongestant. My mom was supposed to come up yesterday and I was going to ask her to take me out to get some. Partly because I'd like to get out of the house but also - I don't trust anyone else to buy decongestant for me. All of the "non-drowsy formulas" have ingredients that make my heart race and give me major anxiety attacks. I think Dristan is the one that works for me but I need to look at the labels.

I had some other things I wanted help with but mom called and cancelled. Mainly because the Nascar race was postponed from Sunday and she wanted to stay home and watch it.

That's right. Not only do I rank below my nieces and nephews and my brothers, I also rank below Nascar. It would've been fine if she wanted to come today instead but she didn't offer a makeup date. After all the time I spent sitting by her bedside for 2 months, driving back and forth to the big city to visit her (100 miles each way), paying for hotel rooms, cleaning her apartment, and taking her shopping for the last year, she'd rather watch Nascar than come to help me.

I really shouldn't drive when the world's spinning but Walmart beckons.

I'm missing a few parts

I'm home from my surgery. They cut me at 7:30 a.m. yesterday and I was home by 2:00. I've had some really sharp pains around the spot where my left ovary used to be. The nurse said she doesn't know why but that's usually where women feel the most pain. The two nurses and the lab tech who were prepping me for surgery yesterday have all had hysterectomies themselves. Makes me wonder just how common it is.

So far, the only thing that really hurts is getting in and out of bed or getting up from a sitting position on the couch. Hard chairs, like I'm using now, are easier to get up from.

The pain pills are making me really sleepy so I'm going back to bed.

I see black people

I grew up in small town Iowa. There wasn't a single African American in my hometown. When we went to "the city" and I saw black people, I noticed that the palms of their hands weren't as dark as their arms. I thought that meant their color rubbed off.

Unlike me, George W. Bush never outgrew his childlike innocence. On a recent trip to Haiti, he shook hands with a line of black people. Then he tried to shake the "nasty" off his hand. And then, he rubbed the rest of it on Bill Clinton's shirt.

I kid you not.

So frustrating

My surgery is later this week. I've been trying to find info on how hysterectomy affects bipolar disorder. The answer seems to be: nobody knows.

I think I'm more worried about that than anything else. I'm afraid I'll flip into a full-blown mania and/or psychosis. I no longer have the psychiatric or therapeutic support I had when I got that sick before. It scares me.

Thought for today

Seen on a t-shirt:

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

Some cops are bigots and some laws are stupid

When Rapid City, SD, police went to a private home to serve an arrest warrant, they spotted a marriage certificate on the kitchen table. They reported the marriage to commanding officers at nearby Ellsworth Air Force Base. Why? Because the wife was a sergeant stationed there. And she happened to be married to another woman (the subject of the arrest warrant.) The sergeant was subsequently discharged from the military under Don't Ask Don't Tell. Even though she didn't tell.

Hey, President Obama, didn't you promise to end DADT? Didn't you promise to be a fierce advocate for gays and lesbians? Didn't you?

Furry moobs

Mike Rowe. Happy Thursday.

Quickies

More and more states are passing laws to forbid texting or using a cell phone while driving. Maybe they should also pass laws forbidding:

1) driving while all but a few inches of the windshield are covered with ice,
2) driving with the hood open and blocking the windshield, and
3) steering the car with your elbows while using both hands to roll a cigarette and reading from a clipboard placed across the steering wheel.

Because there are idiots out there who've done all of the above.

What, you say? Aren't those things already covered by laws against reckless driving? Why yes, they are. So is driving while texting and phoning but, you know, we can always use more laws.

Time for some quickies:

• From the department of strange ways to die: Imagine going for a jog on a beach in Hilton Head and getting mowed down by a plane that lost its propeller and made an emergency landing. He was wearing and iPod and never knew what hit him.

Hmm. Maybe there ought to be a law against listening to iPods while you jog on the beach. You never know when some plane's going to land right behind you.

• Heartbreaking: Part of the 9/11 call from the day Corey Haim died. He's not breathing, his mother's trying to get help and the 9/11 operator has a speech defect. She's previously reported that it took more than 20 minutes from the time she called until paramedics arrived.

• Speaking of dead celebrities: Peter Graves also died this week, heart attack, age 83. Don't call him Shirley.

• What's weirder than a middle school teacher biting off the ear of a stranger in a diner? The teacher was a woman.

• The answer: A severed head, two severed arms and a leg. The question: What was found on Beer Can Beach on the Feather River in California?

• "For love and stability they turned to their father's old nanny, Marie, an uncompromisingly down-to-earth, one-eyed Swiss peasant who, having lost her own baby, kept a picture of his corpse above their beds." Makes you want to know more about The Dowager Duchess of St. Albans, right?

• A British agency that helps former soldiers find jobs emailed a small business owner to see if he had any jobs available. He replied:

Personally, I'd rather recruit ex-drug dealers, convicts and even child molesters rather than consider anybody who has been in the pay of the British Government. Anybody who has been in the pay of such a military force, and by their silence and complicity has condoned such illegal and immoral actions while accepting a monthly blood-stained pay-packet, certainly will not be considered for employment by us!

I kind of agree with his sentiments about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but the soldiers aren't the ones who should be punished.

• Good advice from Fark: Young, black men should avoid changing license plates in public in Carrolton, Texas. Even if they are a car dealer and are required by law to do so after a sale. Trust me on this one.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

This morning, my four year old friend said, "This is all a dream by some person who died."

I said, "What do you mean?"

She explained that everything we were doing wasn't real, it was just a dream and the person who had the dream was dead.

The weird thing is, I used to think something similar to that but I was in junior high. A four year old coming up with that? Scary. And brilliant.

My mom got a little morbid tonight

Mom called to chat about other stuff, then she said she's been thinking about what will happen if I have to be in the hospital longer than expected or if "something happens" (i.e. I die.) She said she doesn't know what bills I have that would need to be paid, who would need to be contacted, etc.

I told her all my bills are paid through the end of the month and where to find my bank info and she can do whatever she wants with my money and my stuff. (As things stand right now, she'd be stuck with the bill for my funeral. I hope she would follow my wishes and have me cremated and not have an expensive funeral.)

I told her the only thing I care about is I want someone to take care of my cats. My bachelor brother has his own house, no other pets, and he likes cats so I hope he'd do it.

But that led to a long discussion of boycat's heart condition. He has to take a pill every morning. On Monday, he puked right after I gave it to him and it came back up. I didn't give him another. By Tuesday morning, he was sick - flopped down on the floor looking exhausted, and tachycardic. I need to find someone to give him his pills if I can't.

Why do I suddenly have a sense of foreboding?

Skip this post unless you want more TMI

I'm a little uncomfortable with the way my GYN is handling this whole surgery thing. She didn't even discuss alternatives with me - she just said ablation won't work for me (which is accurate) and I should have a hysterectomy. The whole conversation - including the time she needed to do the biopsy - lasted maybe 10 minutes.

She didn't ask how long it had been since my last pap smear - which is relevant since she plans to leave my cervix intact. Today, I called them to say it's been 2 years and shouldn't it be done before the surgery. The nurse talked to the doctor and told me she'll do the pap when she does the surgery. Which means the results won't come back until later. Which means if there are cancerous cells, I'd have to have a second surgery to remove the cervix. Which is what I want to avoid.

I don't expect a bad pap smear - they've come back clear all these years. But the way my luck goes, it'll happen now.

She's not doing it before the surgery because the results won't be back by next week. But there's no reason the surgery can't be postponed - it's hardly an emergency since I've been suffering with the same condition for years. It's not life-threatening - it's more about quality of life.

I really feel like she's in a rush because she wants to keep her surgery schedule full. She'll collect her fee plus she gets a share of the profits from the place where it's being done. (I know this because they had to disclose it.)

I want the surgery; it's the best available treatment for my bleeding (the best medical resources on the 'net agree); the sooner it's done the easier it'll be on me. I like the doc and she has an excellent reputation. But I'm still uncomfortable with the way she's going about it.

I'm getting spayed

I just noticed that my blog says "Happy New Year" even though it's March. Oh well.

At my GYN appointment last week, I found out the relatively simple procedure I was hoping to have done to stop the bleeding can't be done because my endometrial lining is too thick. The doctor wants to do a laparoscopic supra-cervical hysterectomy.

My other alternatives are more hormone treatments (which create major bipolar symptoms for me) or continue to suffer with the bleeding until after menopause (which could be another 10 years.)

But once I got home, I felt like the doctor really raced to the decision. One of my concerns is that I haven't had a pap smear for two years. Since she's planning to leave the cervix, I really think I should have that checked first. I'm going to call them tomorrow and ask about it.

This is major surgery. My appendectomy was also done laparoscopically and I was in serious pain for 2 weeks afterwards. They didn't take out as much that time as they'll be doing now.

I think part of the problem was the surgeon back then kept me in the hospital overnight and they wouldn't let me get out of bed for 24 hours. Not that I was anxious to get up since even the slightest move hurt like hell - but I've always heard the sooner you get up and start walking, the quicker you'll recover.

This is supposed to be a same day procedure but there's a chance they'll keep me overnight. In any case, I want to make an effort to walk as soon as possible. Short-term agony is better than ongoing pain.

I'm going to try to avoid the pain meds as much as possible. I was on hydrocodone last time. It gave me horrible nightmares. Here's hoping I can manage with lots of motrin.

There's a chance getting rid of ovaries and the fluctuating hormone levels will stabilize my bipolar symptoms. But it's also possible the sudden loss of those hormones will make my mood swings worse. I'm not sure what to expect. There's been very little research done on the connection between female hormones and bipolar disorder.

I've been mentally preparing for the possibility of a hysterectomy but I'm surprised by how sad I feel. Even if I had the mental, emotional and financial stability to take care of a baby, the chances of getting pregnant at my age would be remote. With all my medical problems, chances of carrying a baby to term are even worse. I gave up on having kids a long, long time ago. My uterus and ovaries have caused me nothing but inconvenience and pain the last several years - not to mention the anemia and all the $$$ spent on pads and tampons.

Mostly, I think I'm sad because my mom's really the only one I can depend on to help me at times like this. They told me I have to have someone stay with me the first night I come home. My mom's almost 70. She's not well. There's really no one else who will be there for me when I get old(er) and sick(er).

A reasonable facsimile of me

I know. The red stockings are a little tacky.

Found the picture here.

Chip, meet Block; Block, meet the Original

That's little Knox-Jolie Pitt on top. He'll be two in May. My immediate reaction was OMG, he's the spitting image of Robert Redford. Oops, I mean Brad.

Then I searched my files for a picture to illustrate my point. In most of them, Brad is smiling, or his eyes are covered by sunglasses, or his cheeks and chin are covered by a beard, or the lines around his cheeks and the bags under his eyes are photoshopped out (or surgically removed or filled in with collagen or neutralized by Botox.)

Whatever. The point is, I have an extensive collection of Brad Pitt photos and the damn kid looks just like him.

I tossed in a Redford picture for comparison. (Yes, I also have a collection of those.)

The story of Angie's fling with Mick Jagger recently came out. Maybe she also did the Sundance Kid?

TMI alert - female problems

I can't remember if I've blogged about this in the past but I have PCOS. For the last several years, I've had problems with heavy bleeding. Like super tampon plus maxi-pad and blood still gushes down my leg every time I stand up. This can go on for days, weeks and months at a time. I get anemic, out of breath, no energy and it's damn expensive buying all those feminine hygiene products.

Later this week I'm having a biopsy and ultra-sound. If everything looks alright - and my GYN fully expects it will - I'm going to have endometrial ablation. Basically, they burn off the lining of my uterus and the bleeding should be very light or non-existent from then on. I am so looking forward to this. If it works, it'll make a huge difference in my quality of life.

New topic: All winter, my landlord has been dumping old couches, mattresses, sinks, refrigerators, TVs and other crap next to the dumpster. Some of it had been there since November and they kept adding to the pile which expanded to take up my usual parking space. Not a pretty sight every time I enter or exit the building. Last week, one of the other neighbors had a hissy fit about it and started moving the crap which only made it worse. I finally called the city inspector to complain. Presto! The landlord hauled most of it away. All that's left are two mattresses and half a sectional.

I've started watching "The Sopranos" on DVD. Last week, I saw Season 1 and this week I'm starting on Season 2. It's as good as I've always heard it was. I think it's even better to be able to watch the whole series from start to finish in a few weeks.

I'm also watching the new American Idol (love Crystal Bowersox) and Survivor (go Tom and Colby).

That's about as exciting as my life gets lately.

Enjoy the video below. It's the cyst that keeps on giving.

Quote of the day

"I'm a salty old sailor."

~ NY Rep. Eric Massa, responding to rumors that he sexually harassed a male staffer

Thought for today