Susan Slept Here

I've been snowed in since Thursday. We got more than 20". It's a winter wonderland outside my window. The parking lot hasn't been plowed and right now, my car is blocked in by other cars that tried to get out and got stuck. I hope to be able to go somewhere by tomorrow. I'm running out of cat food.

Our family Christmas got postponed from Friday to Sunday then was cancelled. So I'm sitting here with all the groceries I bought for dinner for five plus leftovers for everyone to take home. I ended up baking a 10 lb ham last night, just for myself, because I had no other meat in the house. I had expected to be eating leftovers this weekend. I'm going to freeze part of it, take part of it to friends, and eat way too much of it myself.

I've been watching old movies on TCM. On Friday, I saw "Susan Slept Here," starring Debbie Reynolds as a teenager and Dick Powell as a 35 year old bachelor. She was 25 when the movie was made - she could pass for 17, sort of, but trying to pass him off as 35? I don't think so. He was actually 50 - very good looking but way too wrinkled to be 35. It was 1954 BB - before botox.

The plot: He was a struggling screenwriter trying to research a movie about juvenile delinquents. His friend arranged to have Debbie Reynolds delivered to him on Christmas Eve. She'd been arrested for beating up a sailor and the cops felt sorry for her and didn't want to put her in jail for Christmas. So they left her at this guy's apartment.

Complications arise and he marries the poor girl to keep her from being sent to a farm for juvenile delinquents. The movie implied that the marriage wasn't consummated. He intended to get an annulment, she resisted, they fell in love and stayed together.

Nowadays, people would be a little skeptical about the motives of a guy who claims to be 35 (but is clearly much older) marrying a 17 year old girl. It would be a Lifetime woman-in-jeopardy movie. But back then, Hollywood saw it as a happy ending.

We have come a long way baby.

Merry Catsmas

Merry Christmas, Seattle Fiend

It's Dr. Drew. Not quite Anderson Cooper but close enough you can fantasize. And there's a visible penis line. Click on the picture for a better view.

PS: If you could use some good luck, go rub Santa's nose. (NSFW)

Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Actress Brittany Murphy died on Monday, age 32. Prescription drugs overdose is suspected. Redbox DVD rentals has put out an emergency recall on the poster of Brittany above. Tragic irony - she was found dead in the shower.

And get this - the house she died in has already been added as a stop on the Haunted Hollywood Tour. She hasn't even been buried yet.

Still a little manic, I think

I got out my sewing machine tonight, cleaned it, oiled it and made some curtains. It's been so long since I used it (more than 2 years) that I couldn't remember how to thread it. The owner's manual was no help whatsoever. Took me more than an hour to finally get that figured out.

So now I've got curtains in my kitchen and dining room. Tomorrow night, I have to get to work on sewing Christmas gifts.

The good thing is that there's room for my folding table in the living room so I can watch TV while I sew. If I get back to quilting and crafting as much as I used to, maybe I can stop binging on food. Plus, I can make some money by selling the stuff at the flea market.

I'm cooking Christmas dinner for some of my family on Friday, so I've got to clean, move some furniture around, finish sewing and shopping for gifts, and put my tree up before Thursday, so I can do some baking and start the dinner preps for Friday.

Chances are I'll be pulling an all-nighter to get everything done. Because that's the way I roll.

Walmart adds new customer service staff

Oh-oh, it's another fist bump

Can't wait to hear what the Foxies have to say about this. It's a Negro conspiracy! Black Panthers / Nation of Islam / Colored Commies have infiltrated the White House! Blacks plan death panels for whities!

Sad that he's gone

Eye candy for the weekend: One of the most beautiful men who ever lived, JFK jr.

"It's something out of Greek tragedy."

That was a comment from a lawyer involved in a San Clemente, CA, child custody case. The mother was convinced the father molested their daughters. The father denied it and investigators and a judge found no evidence to support the accusation. A judge awarded temporary custody to the father's sister. On the day the children were supposed to be turned over to the aunt, a deputy sheriff went to the home where the mother and her mother (the children's grandmother) were staying with the girls.

From the article:

Hoult [the grandmother], apparently thinking the deputy was coming to take away the children, bolted into the house through the open garage door. She slammed it and locked the doors to the house.

Based on what investigators have been able to piece together, they believe that seconds later, while the deputy was standing outside, Hoult – gun in hand – walked up to Elizabeth Fontaine [the mother], who was cradling [2 year old] Julia in her arms.

Hoult put the muzzle in the toddler Julia's mouth and fired once.

Fontaine then opened her mouth, and Hoult shot her.

The grandmother and former schoolteacher then grabbed [4 year old] Catherine and shot her in the mouth [before killing herself].

Hoult's son said of his mother: "I would describe her as not being well-balanced."

Shameless self-promotion

Here are links to a couple of blog posts I did on TPM yesterday. The first is about health insurance mandates.

The second refers to a post by TPM Editor Josh Marshall who said that people like me who are pissed off about the public option and Medicare buy-in being dropped from the Senate bill are just saying "Goodbye cruel world." Kind of ironic since I came so close to killing myself this weekend.

This is a post from another TPM reader that I wish I had written.

One more link I want to pass on, from Think Progress: "The Progressive case for passing the Senate health bill." It made sense to me.

My therapist situation

This recent mental health crisis has left me feeling really shaky - not only about my own instability but also about the treatment I'm getting and especially the providers.

I saw the same psychiatrist for 20+ years. If I had been in his office that morning, he would have noticed that I was hypomanic and he would've told me it wasn't a good day to go. I trusted him completely, so I would have listened.

Unfortunately, he retired a couple of years ago. Now I'm going to a community mental health center. They are the only providers available to me because of my insurance.

The therapist I've been seeing for the last 2 years is a sweetheart but she's totally incompetent for treating a bipolar. Most of the time, my symptoms are under control and she's a good support person. This is the first time I've been this manic since I've been seeing her. She didn't recognize it for what it was. She actually encouraged me to go car shopping that day.

The nurse practitioner I'm seeing there is in charge of all my meds. When I tried to call her on Monday, I wasn't allowed to speak to her directly. I told the receptionist I was having major anxiety and suicide thoughts. She told me I would have to leave a voice mail for one of the general nurses and wait for them to call me back.

What if I had been actively suicidal? What if I'd been psychotic? By the time they called me back, it might have been too late.

When the nurse did call, I asked for an Rx for Lorazepam. It's a narcotic. My former pdoc used to give me that when my anxiety levels got that high and I couldn't sleep. Usually, 1 or 2 pills were enough to help me sleep and then I'd be okay. He only ordered 12 pills at a time - and that was enough to last me a year or longer. I don't abuse them.

The nurse said the NP wouldn't give it to me unless she saw me first. I said I couldn't. I just needed the pills and I needed them ASAP. She told me she'd have to call me back.

They called a couple of hours later. Again, if I'd been any sicker than I was, it would've been too late. But the NP came through - she gave me the Rx. Only 10 pills but that was enough.

It's been 3 years since I was this sick. Considering how unstable I used to be, that's a big improvement. But it's scary to know how quick it can come on and how much it clouds my judgment.

The main reason I'm going to therapy - the reason that's stated on my treatment plan - is to have someone else help me monitor my mental condition. So much for that.

This weekend when I was really falling apart - it was everything I could do not to slash my wrists - I tried to call them. I got a taped message telling me if it's an emergency, go to the ER. Otherwise, wait till Monday.

That wasn't what I needed. I ended up calling an out of state suicide hotline. They talked me down.

My next appointment is on Friday. I'm not sure what I'm going to say but I need to make a change in my treatment plan. My therapist will be really hurt if I ask to switch to someone else, and chances are no one else there will be any better.

I think it's spelled dilemma.

At least I'm doing my part to stimulate the economy

A good mechanic is worth his weight in gold. A car repair shop you can trust is priceless.

I've been going to the same place for about 15 years. They've always treated me well. The first car I took there was a Pontiac Le Mans, aka the Pontiac Le Mon. Most of the time it was great but every so often, I'd drive somewhere, park, and when I'd come back out, it wouldn't start. It would go in streaks. I could go for days without a problem then rrrr-rrrrr-rrrr-rrrrr as the engine turned over without firing.

The mechanic worked on it once, thought he had it fixed, it cost a couple hundred dollars, and I drove away happy. A few days later, rrrr-rrrr-rrrr-rrrrrr. They said bring it in, they worked on it again, replaced a couple more things, then charged me for parts but the labor was free. A couple weeks later, rrrr-rrrr-rrrr. They tried again. Replaced some things they'd already replaced. Didn't charge me a dime.

The mechanic said, if it happens again, call me and I'll come wherever you are. He could never get it to happen in the shop. So it happened, I called him, he came right away. He got under the hood while I tried to start it and checked everything he could possibly check. There was no logical reason for why the damn thing wouldn't start. That day, he drove clear across town and worked on it for an hour for free.

Mind you, I'd already been to 2 other shops with the same problem before I went to these guys. So I know it wasn't just him.

I dumped the LeMon and bought my first Chevy minivan. Right away, I had to get a new fuel pump, tires, brakes and struts. A few years later, the transmission started leaking so I fixed the leak. I was scared there would be a lot more repairs but as it turned out, I put maybe $1000 into repairs in the 10 years I had it, plus normal maintenance like oil changes, batteries, brakes.

Last year, when I took it in to get the blower fixed, the mechanic discovered that the radiator and the intake manifold were leaking. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said "The bare minimum I have to do to keep the car running."

He told me that if I checked the oil and coolant on a regular basis and kept them filled, I could probably get by without fixing the intake manifold at all but the radiator would probably have to be done eventually. No snow job from the mechanic - no sales pressure. They fixed the blower and the shop's owner gave me a quick tutorial on how to check the coolant and to save money by buying concentrated coolant and mixing water with it. Said that if I had to add coolant more than every couple of weeks, it would be time to do something about the radiator.

I trust these guys completely.

So when I took my new car to them yesterday and they called and told me everything that's wrong with it and how much it's going to cost, I never doubted them for a second. I'm not shopping around for a second opinion. I'm having them do the work. I was crazy enough to trust a used car salesman, so why wouldn't I trust a mechanic?

The good news is the interest on my credit card is about the same as I would've paid for a car loan so I haven't lost much there. That dream of someday having my credit cards paid off? Oh well.

The mechanic and the secretary at the repair shop both told me the dealer probably had the car sitting on his lot for 3 years and so only 186 miles added to the odometer seems about right if it only went on test drives. They said it's not that uncommon.

They were kind enough not to say, "It sat there for 3 years because nobody else was stupid enough to buy it."

But there you have it. I'm bipolar. Most of the time I'm depressed and I sit around doing nothing so I don't get myself in any trouble. When I start feeling good - optimistic, full of energy, happy, smiling, not a care in the world - that's when I fuck up.

I made a stupid, impulsive decision in the midst of a manic episode and now I have to live with the consequences. I know better than to buy a car after a short test drive. I know how to check the tires, that uneven tire wear and loose steering indicate a problem. That buying a car with 191,000 miles on it is asking for trouble. But the day I did it, I was flying high. Nothing could go wrong.

What scares me is I didn't realize I was manic. I just felt good.

I don't know what normal is. It's always one thing or the other - suicidal or elated. There's no in between.

I'm a freaking idiot

The facts as I now know them:

1. The dealer I bought my car from told me they just got it in.

2. He actually bought the car in August 2006.

3. According to the odometer readings listed on the title, the car has been driven a total of 186 miles from August 2006 to December 2009. That's right, 186 miles in 3 years.

4. WTF???

Fuck fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck!!!

I didn't discover this little gem until last night when I noticed a discrepancy in the dates. Long story on why I finally noticed but I felt sick when I saw it. When I did the math on the odometer readings, I felt enraged.

And me being me, nausea, rage, and major anxiety led to suicide thoughts. Very, very intense suicide thoughts. As in, I came thisfuckingclose to picking up a razor blade and hacking away at myself.

I called a suicide hotline and they talked me down. It's been 20 years since I had to do that. I'm still feeling really shaky about the whole thing.

The hardest part is this happened on Saturday night and I can't do a thing about it until Monday.

I think I'm screwed because I bought the car "as is." And all the dates from when the car changed hands and the odometer readings were listed on the title, which I signed. Before I signed, I looked at the names on the title to see how many hands it had passed through - one owner, the dealer he sold it to, then the dealer I bought it from.

But who would imagine that a dealer would keep a car in his possession for 3 years? No dealer would let a car sit on his lot for that long because the value goes down every year. Obviously, someone's been driving it. And just as obviously, the odometer has been rolled back.

According to a carfax check (better late than never), the car has not been licensed since 2006 so they've been driving it with dealer plates. That can't be legal can it?

So maybe, maybe, I'll be able to do something about it because, if my very reasonable theory is correct, this guy has 1) committed fraud by misrepresenting the car to me, 2) tampered with the odometer which is against the law, and 3) kept the car in his possession for 3 years without licensing it.

I have the number for the state's consumer protection division. They will be hearing from me.

You should have said green balloons

Some quickies:

• Seen any Tiger Woods commercials lately? The last one was run on Nov. 29. I predict a trip to rehab for alcoholism, sex addiction or, most likely, prescription drug addiction caused by his knee surgery. That's how they'll package it anyway. He will be back.

• A former Miss Argentina and the mother of 7 year old twins has died from complications of butt implant surgery. She suffered a pulmonary embolism caused by the liquid injected into her buttocks during the procedure.

• The former speaker of the Missouri House has been accused of drugging a woman and beating her up during after she had agreed to join him in S&M. According to the police report:

[The woman] recalls Jetton hitting her on the face very hard. She then remembers waking up, lying on the floor and Jetton was choking her. [The woman] said she did not know what happened with her memory because she had been drunk but had never had the blank spots in her memory.

On his way out the door, he told her, "You should have said green balloons."

That was their safe word.

Quote of the day

Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is, 'slow down, stop everything, let's start over.' If you think you've heard these same excuses before, youre right ...

When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said ’slow down, it’s too early, things aren’t bad enough ...

When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats that we hear today.

~ Sen. Harry Reid on Republic opposition to health care reform

A cult classic

This video is dedicated to Sarah.

Quote of the day

This corporate nobility now infests most of our economic superstructure and purchases our public officials as cavalierly as it hires janitorial workers. They are like maggots or flesh eating bacteria. Even more dangerous than their greed and dishonesty is their incompetence. We only have to look at the collapse of the world financial markets to see a clear illustration of this problem.

~ a TPM reader's comment

Cold, cold hearts

Elton John has always been known for doing a lot of charity work for AIDS patients. In September, he visited an orphanage in the Ukraine where he met a 14 month old boy who's HIV positive. He announced that he would like to adopt the boy.

Ukrainian officials said no because EJ is too old and not married. The Ukraine doesn't recognize gay civil unions and their law requires adoptive parents to be no more than 45 years older than the child they want to adopt.

The Ukraine currently has 32,000 orphans but only 2000 families lined up to adopt them. Ukrainians rarely adopt children with HIV or other medical or psychological problems.

Insanity isn't just a mental illness. Sometimes, it's a condition of the heart.

EJ's partner David Furnish says the couple was "massively gutted" by the government's decision but they will continue to provide financial support for the child and his brother.

So far so good

I picked up my new car late Monday afternoon and took it on the test drive I should have taken it on before I bought it. We got snow and the streets were slippery. I'm a little disappointed that it doesn't handle as well on ice as my old one did. It has a tendency to fishtail. I'll get some big bags of kitty litter to keep in the back this winter.

I had a bit of panic when I had to stop fast. The brakes made an awful grinding sound and the brake pedal shook. I spent the next 20 minutes driving around and braking. The only time it made the sound was when I was on hard-packed snow.

I was relieved when I got home and read the owner's manual. ABS brakes - the sound and shaking are normal.

The dealer screwed me over a little bit. He was supposed to have the electric window on the passenger side repaired - it wouldn't work at all when I test drove it and he agreed to fix it as part of the deal. That's why I had to wait 3 days to pick it up. When I got there, he told me it was working fine today so he didn't take it to the shop. I went out and tested it before I handed over the check and it was working, but I know it's going to be an ongoing problem. The windows on my old van did the same thing - sometimes they went up and down just fine and sometimes they got stuck.

But if that's the only problem I have for the next 6 months, I'll feel like I got a good deal.

It's nice and clean on the inside, all the doors open and close without a struggle, the tires look good. The transmission feels smooth and I got it up to 70 mph and went up steep hills without the slightest strain.

I have a radio now. Windshield wipers that work. The radiator doesn't leak. And best of all - a working heater. Just in time too, because the temperature's going to be down below zero the next few days and there's a blizzard warning for tomorrow.

For the first time in a long time, I won't be embarrassed for people to see my car.

Palin visits the SUX

When Sarah visited the Barnes and Noble in Sioux City, Iowa, this weekend, one pair of ditzes started the line at 4 p.m. on Saturday and camped outside overnight. In December. In Iowa.

According to the Sioux City Journal, the last person joined the line around the same time Palin arrived at the store the next day. Everyone who wanted an autograph got one. This is from the Sioux City Journal:

Palin didn't grant media interviews and her signing placement in the store was blocked off by black curtains. People in line were told to have cell phones turned off and not to take a picture of Palin. However, a camera flash from Palin's personal photographer went off frequently and those who got an autograph also received a card saying they could order pictures for a fee.

She must think she's a rock star. Sadly, there are enough fools out there who'll treat her like one.

Awkward family photo of the week

I love this website. Their caption:

"Who brought this guy?"

The ignorance is astounding

Quote of the Day:

Whether one is a Christian or a secular humanist, the biology doesn't change a wit. Widespread same-sex marriage is a subtle, nihilistic, dead-end street. Procreation and the human race will become extinct.

~ Sioux City Journal, letter to the editor re: same sex marriage legalized in Iowa

Overreact much?

What goes up must come down

I'm manic. Hypomanic, I guess, because I'm not completely over the top (yet).

In the last week, I've spent more money (used more plastic) on non-necessities than I had in the entire year up til now. That's not including the car.

Last night when I went to bed, I suddenly realized that I didn't even take the car out on the highway when I test drove it. I circled around on a bypass but the highest speed I got up to was 50. What if it has a shimmy? What if the engine overheats? I'm going to be so pissed at myself if there's something wrong that I would've noticed with a more thorough test drive.

It was an impulsive decision. I don't do impulsive unless I'm manic.

I'm way happier and more optimistic than normal for me. I'm talking to myself and I slept maybe 45 minutes last night, if that. Lots of energy today. Those are symptoms I need to pay attention to because they can lead to bad things.

I'm mixed state bipolar, so I'm still having suicide thoughts and other self-destructive urges, plus I could cry at the drop of a hat. Usually I lean more toward that end of the scale (depressive) but I'm tipped the other way now.

I need to hide my credit cards until this passes.

Am I nuts?

Why yes, yes I am. But anyone who's read my blog already knows that.

My latest crazy stunt: I bought a car today. It's a 2002 minivan and I got it for almost $1000 less than other same age vans I've looked at. The reason it was so cheap - and further proof that I'm nuts - it has 191,000 miles on it.

The previous owner was a traveling salesman so it's all highway miles. It's very well maintained and looks and drives better than other cars I tested that were newer and had far fewer miles on them. The transmission felt really smooth and the engine's so quiet, you can hardly hear it running.

The best part of the deal is they gave me $300 for my trade in. I was afraid I'd have to pay someone else to haul it off. I know all that really means is they priced the new one with the intention of taking $300 off but, hey, I don't have to mess around with trying to sell the old one.

And right now, I can't sleep. Major anxiety that I made the wrong decision.

My thoughts are racing with everything I have to do before I can pick it up on Monday. Clean all the junk out of the old car. Reclaim and reinstall the third row seats that I have stored at my brother's place. Try to find the title - I'm not sure where I put it when I moved. Go to the bank and get a cashier's check.

I decided to get serious about buying something because my old radiator seems to be leaking more than before and I was afraid it wouldn't make it through the winter. When I went car shopping today, I had no intention of actually committing to anything.

Only time will tell if I made the right decision. I hope I'll feel better about it once I get the car and start driving it.

It's one of those few times I really wish I had a father or husband I could rely on to give me advice about crap like this.

But I'll try to focus on the positive. The new car is 12 years newer than the old one. It's been years since I had a radio, air conditioner, heater and windshield wipers that actually work. And a back door that opens. And now I won't have to smell burning antifreeze every time I drive.

That's something to look forward to.

George Clooney's mom is hot

George, his mama and his girlfriend