How big?

This post brought to you by "Wikifiddlers"

News quickies:

• Besides posting record-breaking profits for any American company for 2 years running, ExxonMobil is also the only Fortune 50 that doesn't include sexual orientation in their equal employment opportunity policy. Before the 2 companies merged, Mobil did have such a policy but the Exxon shareholders voted it down and continue to do so year after year. Maybe gay people don't buy enough gas.

• Democratic Sen. Carl Levin has called out The Dick Cheney for his claims that torture saved American lives and that the abuse at Abu Ghraib was not connected to official U.S. policy. Cheney keeps referring to classified documents that he says prove his point. But Levin has seen the documents and says they "give the lie" to Cheney's claims and that Cheney "bore false witness." Levin didn't quite say "liar, liar, pants on fire" but I think we can connect the dots.

• Meanwhile, Bush gave a speech on Thursday trying to justify the torture. Keep talking, Dubya. The more you try to rewrite history the more the world community is going to start insisting on trying you for war crimes.

• Remember when Kanye West said George Bush hates black people? Today, Rush Limbaugh said Barack Obama hates white people. This is the same Rush Limbaugh who played "Barack the Magic Negro" on his show.

• Wikipedia has banned all contributions from IP addresses associated with The Church of Scientology:

"Use of the encyclopedia to advance personal agendas – such as advocacy or propaganda and philosophical, ideological or religious dispute – or to publish or promote original research is prohibited."

• "Wikifiddler": Someone, often young, ill-informed and with copious free time, who indulges in creating yards of text that are devoted to things that interest, mostly, people who like to write online encyclopedias. This pastime is supported by the almost religious belief that a worthwhile and accurate reference source will spontaneously appear. This is closely related to the idea that an infinite number of monkeys can produce the works of Shakespeare if left to their own devices.

Quote of the day

I understand that they found out today that Miss Sotomayor is a member of La Raza, which means in illegal alien, “the race.” And that should not surprise anyone because she’s already on record with a number of racist comments ...

Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.

~ convicted Watergate felon G. Gordon Liddy

I killed a tarantula today

The weather's been weird lately. Yesterday it was in the 60s and today it was in the 80s. While I was visiting a friend's house, her 3 year old daughter came running from the back yard squealing that there was a tarantula in the sandbox.

It wasn't a tarantula, of course, but it was big - by Iowa standards, in other words, about the size of a thumb tack. I smashed it with a tablespoon. More bad karma for me.

Tonight, I vacuumed my apartment - it's only been 3 or 4 months since I did it last - and defrosted the freezer. I've been wanting, planning, needing to do both those things for awhile. There was a note in the hall saying pest control is coming tomorrow. Good motivation.

I wonder how much bad karma the pest control guy has built up by killing all those bugs.

Thoughts on a few stories in the news:

• On Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor: The right-wing blabbermouths are going nuts over her and most of them seem to be oblivious to how incredibly sexist and racist they sound while they're calling her a racist.

Why are they so hell bent on fighting the nomination? They have nothing to fight for - all they can do is fight against.

• On "Jon and Kate Plus 8": I've watched the show from time to time over the years, usually on nights and weekends when there's nothing else on. From the beginning, I've seen Kate as perfectionistic and self-centered. I've always hated the way she put her husband down, especially in front of their kids. He would tell them what to do and she'd tell them "don't listen to Daddy, he doesn't know anything."

This weekend, I saw an episode from last season where "This Old House" host Steve Thomas was helping them greenify there new million dollar home. She was beyond rude to him but I still felt bad for her when Steve and the other workmen were snickering behind her back and Jon went along with it. She had it coming but still sad to think she'd see this later (if she ever watches the show.)

The premiere for the new season, which TLC hyped to high heaven, shamelessly exploiting their marital turmoil, was maybe the most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen on TV. I don't care that much about the adults - they got themselves into this situation and it's up to them to muddle through it. But those poor little kids.

Apparently, Jon is no longer living at home or at least went away temporarily. When he showed up for the sextuplets' 5th birthday party, one of the little girls told him she didn't want him to go away anymore. It was heartbreaking.

• On Candy Spelling: Bitch. She has a new book out and did an interview where she said her daughter Tori killed her father, TV mogul Aaron Spelling. Puh-leeze. He was 83 years old and had been suffering from a heart condition for years.

Tori's "sin" was cutting off contact with the family for awhile, which I saw as an act of self-preservation. The tabloid reports at the time were that Tori tried to visit him before he died and her mother wouldn't let her in the house.

The more I hear from and about Candy, the more I hope Tori cuts her out of her life for good.

Sure of himself

Last week, green-eyed American Idol alum Clay Aiken sniped at Adam Lambert in a blog post. This week, Adam responded:

"I don't know Clay ... I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before."

I'm not sure if he's self-confident or cocky but I like it.

So much for egg salad

This afternoon, I smelled something burning and thought one of my neighbors must be cooking. No, it was me. I put a couple of eggs on the stove and forgot about them until the pan boiled dry. The good news is I found out my smoke detector works.

Obama has been taking some flak for refusing to release pictures from Abu Ghraib after previously saying that he would. Now more info is coming out. U.S. Maj. Gen. Taguba, who conducted an investigation into prisoner abuse, says, "These pictures show torture, abuse, rape and every indecency."

At least one picture shows a U.S. soldier raping a female prisoner, another shows a male translator raping a male prisoner, and others show sexual assaults with objects including a truncheon, wire and a phosphorescent tube.

Now onto something lighter:

• All those hideous driver's license photos are about to become slightly more hideous. Some states are forbidding people to smile for the pictures. Face-recognition technology can't match photos of the same person if their expressions differ. Anyone else creeped out by this whole concept?

• Kanye West has written a book, what he calls "a collection of thoughts and theories." It's only 52 pages. Some of them are blank and others only have a few words, including such pearls as, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" So they're not even original thoughts and theories. He explains:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."

There's nothing at all that's self-absorbed about binding 52 mostly blank pages together, putting your name on it, and having the balls to sell it to the fools who love you?

• Apparently, AT&T doesn't like glam-boys. Scandal's brewing over the American Idol finale because AT&T employees in Kris Allen's Arkansas home town passed out demo phones and taught his fans how to power text - casting 10 votes with one touch of a button. AT&T is one of AI's sponsors.

• A group called Biased Liberal Media is putting out a comic book starring Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann of Minnesota. Here's a preview.

Another quote of the day

Putting the emphasis on the final syllable of Sotomayor is unnatural in English ... and insisting on an unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn't be giving in to.

~ conservative whiner Mark Krikorian at National Review online

Quote of the day

Obama seems to have the views of a 21-year-old Hispanic girl -- that is, only by having a black president, an Hispanic justice, a female secretary of State, and Bozo the Clown as vice president will the United States become a true "vanguard of societal ideas and changes."

~ conservative blogger Michael Goldfarb, whining about Sotomayor's Supreme Court nomination

Today's post brought to you by "tingling thigh syndrome"

Last week, I was supposed to drive my mom down to the big city for a checkup with her doctor. When I got to her place, she didn't look good at all. Walking from the bathroom to the living room left her completely out of breath so I made her call the doctor. He told her to go to the nearest emergency room.

She refused to go because she didn't trust the doctors there or at the hospital in our area where they most likely would have transferred her. So I drove her to the city, 2 hours away. When we got there, she insisted that we go out for supper before we went to the E.R. because she was hungry and they didn't feed her during her recent hospital stays.

When we finally got to the E.R., they admitted her. She was there 4 days and now she's staying at my brother's place. I told him this weekend that I don't see her ever getting better. I think she's going to keep going downhill. He looked distraught when I said that. Maybe I'm just being my normal pessimistic self.

Or maybe it was because I had just returned from a trip to the cemeteries to decorate my father's and grandparents' graves. While I was there, I had the distinct feeling we'd be burying my mother before next year.

With all the medical problems Mom's been going through, you'd think I'd start taking better care of myself. Stress always drives my blood sugar up and I also have a tendency to overeat - mostly carbs - when I'm stressed out.

Somewhere in all my trips back and forth to the big city, I lost my blood sugar testing kit so I don't even know what's going on there. I know it's not good.

Last night, I got really sick - cramping, vomiting, diarrhea. I'm pretty sure it was food poisoning from the leftover taco burgers I ate at midnight. I think I had left the meat sitting out too long. There's still some left in the fridge. I hate throwing it out but I hate puking more.

Time for some quickies:

• The Church of Scientology is on trial in France for fraud and acting as an illegal pharmacy.

• A woman in Russia got pissed off because her boyfriend wouldn't marry her. So she got him drunk, tied firecrackers to his penis and blasted it off.

• A Russian father and son got drunk together and the father wondered if the son would dare to cut off his penis. Turns out he would.

• Good advice from Fark: "If you are a police officer threatening to anally rape a 14 year old with your baton you better make sure he is not recording you on his cell phone."

• Butt Hole Road. Sounds like something out of The Simpsons, but it was the real name of a real road in Yorkshire.

• A man, his dog and their squirrel

• "Tingling thigh syndrome" - No, that's not what happens to me when I look at a picture of Robert Redford. The medical term is meralgia paresthetica, which is what happens to women who wear skin tight jeans and stilettos. It's caused by pressure on the femoral nerve.

Turn ons: Robert Redford's hairy chest
Turn offs: having to clean up your own vomit because there's no one else to do it

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Pat Buchanan is living in a dream world. I say this because of something he wrote for Human Events:

Dick Cheney is giving the Republican Party a demonstration of how to fight a popular president. Stake out defensible high ground, do not surrender an inch, then go onto the attack.

The ground on which Cheney has chosen to stand is the most defensible the Republicans have: homeland security ...

Cheney comes to this quarrel armed with credibility, certitude, consistency and conviction ...

I will grant him certitude, consistency and conviction. But credibility? Please. Give it up, Pat. Nobody but the most extreme numbskulls believe anything that comes out of Cheney's mouth.

In other political news:

• Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Republicans are in a tizzy, as they would have been no matter who he nominated. Sen. Inhofe of Oklahoma said:

In the months ahead, it will be important for those of us in the U.S. Senate to weigh her qualifications and character as well as her ability to rule fairly without undue influence from her own personal race, gender, or political preferences.

Because we all know white men are never influenced by their own personal race, gender or political preferences.

• FBI wiretaps recorded Roland Burris, who now fills Obama's Senate seat, promising to make a campaign contribution to then Gov. Blagojevich just a month before Blago appointed him. Of course, that had nothing at all to do with his appointment. Move along now, nothing to see here.

• Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says Michael Steele is a good leader for the party because "no one is gonna be able to use the racism charge." Of course, this is the same Mike Huckabee who referred to Sonia Sotomayor as "Maria." Because, you know, most of those Mexican chicks are named that.

I've been reading nurse's blogs

Lance Armstrong has a new autobiography where he talks about his breakup with Sheryl Crow. He says her biological clock was the problem. She was 43 and didn't want to wait any longer to have kids; he already had 3 and wasn't in any hurry to have more. He said:

"If somebody wants a child - man, that's the greatest gift you can give a woman."

One blogger responds:

"Yes, Lance, your semen is nectar from the gods."

She also points out that he's now expecting a baby with his much younger girlfriend:

"So it looks like Lance and his amazing wonder ball will ride again."

In a related story, Perez Hilton recently blogged about a celebrity who lost all her extra baby weight from breastfeeding. He asked if that was really possible and his readers responded. One said:

"I dropped to 90 pounds while nursing. Had the best body EVER! Then I stopped and my boobs took off to the Bahamas for a vacation. Bastards still haven't come back! Think you can locate them for me and blog their whereabouts so I can have a real rack again?"

Here are a few nurse blogs I've been following lately:

• Reality Rounds
• At Your Cervix
• N Is for Nurse

I had no idea

Did you know insurance companies are pushing for mastectomies to be an outpatient procedure? Go to the hospital, have your breasts cut off and go home the same day. As it is, some women are already forced to leave the hospital within 24 hours, sent home with drainage tubes sticking out of their chests.

There is currently a Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act before Congress. You can sign an online petition to support it here.

Monday night ABC news had a story about a 10 year old girl who was diagnosed with breast cancer and forced to undergo a mastectomy. Can you imagine?

Speaking of women's health care, more than 50% of babies born in Miami-Dade County, FL, last year were delivered by C-section. One hospital had a rate of 70%. The rate in Broward County was 44%. This in spite of the fact that C-sections increase the risks for the mother and make their recovery more difficult and babies born by Caesarean have more respiratory problems.

Nationwide, many hospitals prohibit VBACs so women who have a C-section with their first delivery, whether it's by her own choice or not (and it's usually not), are condemned to repeat surgery for future pregnancies. With a 3rd or subsequent C-section, risks to both the mother and baby go up.

And people wonder why more women are choosing home births.

Check out this website for more info on unnecessary C-sections.

Quote of the day

It's not dangling over my head. [Laughing] It may be dangling over yours, but it's not over mine.

~ Adam Lambert to a reporter who said speculation about his sexuality had been "dangling" over him all season

Room service included?

Obama wants to close Guantanamo but the Senate voted on Wednesday to block the funding. The problem is no one knows where to send the prisoners. One Republican congressman after another has said NIMBY-fied the issue. But one Afghani has an idea:

The Ramada Inn in Perryville, Maryland has plenty of rooms for all of us detainees. I stayed there when I was in the U.S. to study, many years ago. Before you decided I was an enemy combatant. Trust me, it will fit us all, no problem ...

I bet you can get a good rate, too, if you get a whole bunch of rooms. I don't want to tell you your business, but two to a room is probably a reasonable arrangement. So that's 120 rooms. You'll get an amazing rate. Maybe say it's a wedding ...

What's the big deal? The only difference between a maximum security prison and a Ramada is really the decor, when you really think about it.

Maybe Ramada should use that in their next advertising campaign.

Memorial day

I just spent a couple of hours making flower arrangements for the cemetery this weekend. Then I read about the guy who sells flowers outside the cemetery in Queens, NY. After he steals them off the graves.

On Friday, my mom has a doctor's appointment in the big city, about 100 miles from where she lives, which is almost 50 miles from where I live. I agreed to take her and she wants to spend the night in a motel.

I'd much rather go down and come back the same day, plus neither one of us can really afford to stay. But I don't know how much longer it's going to be until I'm putting flowers on her grave so I didn't argue.

Time for some quickies:

• Haliburton's ugly stepchild KBR has electrocuted as many as 5 U.S. soldiers in Iraq and shocked hundreds of others because of shoddy electrical work. Then the Army paid them millions of dollars in bonuses. As Keith Olbermann would say, What the f ...?

• More on the former Archbishop of Milwaukee who wrote an autobiography about being gay in the Catholic church and how and why he enabled child molesters. From the book:

We all considered sexual abuse of minors as a moral evil, but had no understanding of its criminal nature ... [I] accepted naively the common view that it was not necessary to worry about the effects on the youngsters: either they would not remember or they would 'grow out of it.'

I call bullshit. He knew.

• "I don't take money for sex ... I take money for company and the sex is free ... See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police -- if I do it this way they can't get me for it." So said the hooker to the undercover cop. Right before she got arrested for the second time in 24 hours.

• Two girls, one sub. If you know what that alludes to, you understand why Quizno's shouldn't have used it for their ad campaign. Not appetizing at all.

• Did you know employers have the right to require female employees to wear makeup? Neither did I, but the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals said so a few years ago.

• Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream but I don't think this was it: His kids are fighting over his estate with 3 lawsuits pending. Now, Steven Spielberg wants to do a biopic about him. One son agreed to it but his 2 siblings are threatening another lawsuit.

• Huffington Post has an interesting piece by Larry Kramer on homosexuality in colonial America. Worth the read.

Turn ons: the smell of real roses
Turn offs: the smell of carnations - reminds me of funerals

Quote of the day

A penis has never been something that you pick up and put down and put away idly without consideration.

~ Larry Kramer

Trouble in paradise?

Those aren't wax figures - it's the two-headed monster known as Brangelina in their latest appearance on the Cannes red carpet. I'm starting to believe the rumors that they're on the verge of a breakup because, you know, they're not all cuddly.

Can you imagine a life where every solo trip to the grocery store leads to magazine covers shouting that you broke up, and every less-than-beaming smile means your partner is cheating on you with his ex-wife?

Hard to feel too sorry for them. There's that thing about being worshipped by adoring fans and having millions dollars to toss around.

Another quote of the day

I guess I’m always wary of this bullshit where people are makin’ it sound like what you do is far more impressive than it actually is. Everyone always tells you that you’re the only one that can do this or that role right, and if you say no, they go to somebody else and tell them that they’re the only one that can do it right. But when they’re talking to you, you’re always the Best Actor of Your Generation.

~ actor Christian Bale

Quote of the day

"Everything you're going to hear this week is nonsense. Let's get real here. Let's get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We're going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more ... Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don't need an upfront. You need therapy."

~ Jimmy Kimmel, while hosting ABC's Upfront press conference where they presented their fall schedule

Adam for the win?

Tonight was the final competition show on American Idol. It was kind of a let down. Adam did "Mad World" again but it didn't have the punch it did the first time. His second number was "A Change Is Gonna Come" and it was fantastic.

What ruins the show for me is the lame "inspirational" song they make both finalists do every year. It'll be the first single for the winner. This year's was written by judge Kara DioGuardi.(Don't know if I spelled her name right and don't care.) Awful song, way out of Kris's range. It seemed obvious she wrote it for Adam's voice.

After a great season, the show ended with a dull thud.

Adam has quite a fan following among celebrities, including Katy Perry, who had his name printed on the back of her cape when she appeared on the show a couple weeks ago, and Bono, who agreed to let him do a U2 song on the show.

British singer Robbie Williams says, "Adam Lambert is my personal bestest Pop star right now… he's the real deal in fact if there was a Singing Olympics and the US where sending Michael Buble and Adam Lambert i wouldn't even try out for the UK team."

Adam is the first AI contestant I would actually pay to see in concert. I might even break down and buy a CD.

A few show biz quickies:

• Survivor: Africa winner and one of my all-time favorite reality show contestanst Ethan Zohn is fighting cancer, stage 2 Hodgkins.

• Ellen DeGeneres: Best commencement speech ever. Watch the video.

• Patrick Swayze is not dead. He was dead earlier today but now he's not.

Today's post brought to you by "Obamastration"

A duck in Spokane built her nest on a bank ledge 29 feet above the sidewalk, and her babies were in for a hard fall when it was time to go. But a loan officer was there to catch them.

A parade was scheduled to pass by in a few hours later but mama duck and the banker got things off to an early start as they led the ducklings to water, straight down the parade route while a crowd looked on.

Not all bankers are heartless bastards.

More quickies:

• This one's not for the squeamish. A PCP-crazed father in California bit out one of his 4-year-old son's eyes and mutilated the other. He then hacked at his own legs with an axe. The little boy told police, "My daddy ate my eyes."

• Actual headline: KC man guilty in detergent box full of meth. How he got in that box, I'll never know.

• A woman in the U.K. was told she couldn't breastfeed her 11 week old baby next to the pool where her 4 year old was swimming. A staff member told her there was no food or drink allowed.

• Meanwhile in the U.S., 78% of swimmers told researchers they believe fellow swimmers pee in the pool. And 17% admitted that they do.

• Arachnophobia: A guy in Pennsylvania wrecked his Cadillac, a mailbox, a street sign and a light pole while trying to kill a spider. Man, those little buggers are fast.

• Asparagophilia: A guy in Germany beat up a street vendor because he thought her asparagus was too expensive. And no, asparagus is not a euphemism for something else.

• Fark headline of the day: Navy ships from a land down under, tells pirates who are set to plunder, can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover.

• I guess there's a reason they call it the Grand Old Party: A study shows that older Republicans are happier than older Democrats. Couldn't possibly be because Republicans are self-deluding bastards who aren't scared of global warming because they expect the Rapture any day now. (Not that I'm bitter.)

• Obamastration - a term coined by a conservative columnist at Reuters, short for the Obama administration.

I am a bad, bad mommy

Last night when I clipped Boy Cat's claws, I cut off a little more than I intended and got his vein. I've done that once or twice before - usually it was just a nick and hardly bled at all.

This time was much worse but of course, I didn't notice until after there were dime and quarter-size blood drops all over my apartment. My poor sweetie. I feel so guilty.

I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so I made a middle of the night trip to Walgreens to get a styptic pencil. It worked, but then boy cat licked his paw and he started bleeding again. I just used the pencil a second time and got the bleeding to stop. Fingers crossed that he leaves it alone for awhile.

A few quickies:

• If you're planning a trip to Salt Lake City, be on the lookout for Diaper Boy. He goes around showing kids pictures of himself in a diaper. I've always heard that Mormons wore weird undies.

• What are people buying during this recession? Condoms - sales are up 5%. Hershey's profits are up 20% and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sales are also up.

• Did you know "vergatario" is Venezuelan slang for penis? It's also the name of a new, cheap mobile phone being promoted by Hugo Chavez, who says, "Whoever doesn't have a Vergatario is nothing."

• If you've got time to kill, check out Awkward Family Photos.

Turn ons: The Bon Jovi
Turn offs: Goo goo ga joob.

Neither snow nor rain nor meteors nor insects

During Dubya's reign, the Pentagon prepared a top secret daily briefing called the Worldwide Intelligence Update. Rumsfeld usually delivered it to the president himself. The cover sheet usually had full color images of triump from the previous days' war efforts. It also included biblical quotes, such as:

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

Or:

“It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.”

The cover sheets were the brainchild of Maj. Gen. Glen Shaffer. Pentagon staffers objected to the religious messages and were afraid of the world's reaction if the sheets were leaked during our war against an Islamic nation. But Rummy saw Bible thumping as a way to stay on Dubya's good side so the

In the last few weeks, we've seen and heard more from Dick Cheney than we have in years. He's been on all the talk shows proclaiming that our nation will be in danger if Obama stops "the Cheney method of interrogation and torture." But Lawrence Wilkerson, a former chief of staff of the State department under Powell, is calling Cheney on his bullshit. Wilkerson points out that after the Abu Ghraib photos became public in the spring of 2004, the CIA and everyone else involved in administering torture stopped because they were afraid of what would happen to them if they got caught.

From Wilkerson:

What I am saying is that no torture or harsh interrogation techniques were employed by any U.S. interrogator for the entire second term of Cheney-Bush, 2005-2009. So, if we are to believe the protestations of Dick Cheney, that Obama's having shut down the "Cheney interrogation methods" will endanger the nation, what are we to say to Dick Cheney for having endangered the nation for the last four years of his vice presidency?

Cheney and Rummy and Dubya and their crew have been dethroned but their deeds live on. In January 2009, there were 24 suspected suicides in the Army. That's compared to a total of 16 combat deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan. There were 128 suicides in 2008 (plus 15 more possible suicides still being investigated), the most since they started keeping records in 1980.

Last week, a soldier in Iraq killed 5 fellow service members at a stress clinic in Iraq, after his commanding officers had referred him there for treatment.

Meanwhile, Americans are preparing for the coming apocalypse. Smith and Wesson reports sales of hunting firearms are down 46% while their total arms sales are up 27%.

An atheist in Orlando has found a way to capitalize on the doom and gloom. For a small fee of $5 each, he will hand deliver messages to your friends and family who are left behind after the Rapture:

... he knows what to expect. Covered with boils, he will have to fight his way through perpetual darkness, clouds of insects, and meteors falling from the sky to deliver the mail.

Glory be the day

Name that vixen

I didn't recognize her at all. The picture's from a photo shoot for Kurv magazine.

Eye candy for the weekend

Headless, aimless & gurgling

I live in pork country. I don't know whether or not this is still true, but several years ago I read an article that said Iowa has more pigs than people. For the last week or so, I've noticed that our local TV newscasts refer to swine flu only as the H1N1 virus. No swine mentioned at all. I'm curious what they're calling it where you live.

Time for some quickies:

• The Nicotine Ninja: He dresses in black and breaks into stores at night. He's stolen $120,000 worth of cigarettes in the last 2 years.

• The Catholic Kama Sutra: It was written by a Polish priest, who says, "Every act - a type of caress, a sexual position - with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God."

Every act, Father? Even when Siegfried slips it to Roy?

• Actual headline from Florida news site: Flying chair kills popular DJ.

• Today's good advice from Fark: Just a tip for all you EMT's out there: Bosses apparently get all uppity if you take photos of murder victims and post them on your facebook page.

• You've heard of the gorilla in the living room, but what about the gorilla in the motel room? A guy in Reno says he saw a gorilla in his motel room so he shot it, then he blacked out and woke up in a car on the interstate. He shot the driver, who didn't look at all like a gorilla, then stripped off his clothes and ran from the police. They found him hiding naked in a thorn bush. On the arrest forms, he listed his occupation as "drug dealer."

• You've heard of the headless horseman but how about the headless chicken? His name was Mike and he lived 18 months after a farmer cut his head off. He wandered around aimlessly and made gurgling noises when he tried to crow. Reminds me of the current state of Republicans.

3 headlines from "Human Events"

I mentioned earlier that I subscribe to the Human Events newsletter. My favorite headlines this week:

1. Ann Coulter: Liberal Taliban Issues Fatwa Against Miss California (Hey, nobody said she was Fat!)

2. How to be a REAL man in a culture gone soft: I was thinking maybe Viagra? But the REAL answer for being a REAL man is to read The Ultimate Men's Survival Guide because:

It gives young men what they need to become not effete "metrosexuals" skilled at the ins and outs of high fashion and cocktail chat, but well-rounded men who can fight off bears and alligators, create a tourniquet out of a t-shirt, set a dislocated joint, rescue a drowning person -- and pick the perfect cigar and bottle of wine.

And no, it's not something from a Saturday Night Live sketch. They're completely serious.

3. We're in Trouble, We Need Your Help. The most honest statement I've heard from a Republican in a long time. Unfortunately, the only help they're looking for is money. Human Events is soliciting donations because the "liberal media conglomerates" are "silencing their conservative opposition" by engaging in a conspiracy with the U.S. postal service to raise mailing rates. Who knew?

Turn ons: a hard man
Turn offs: a hard man with a chip on his shoulder

Quote of the day

"It's great to have a nice home. It's great to have nice homes! It's great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara. It's great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you."

~ Oprah Winfrey at Duke University commencement

As Perez Hilton says:

"Lesson to learn graduates: It's good to be Oprah and sucks to be everyone else!"

Random quickies

• Rembert Weakland, the former archbishop of Milwaukee, has written a biography about his experience as a gay man in the Catholic church. He was forced to resign in 2002 after a former lover or assault victim (depending on whose version you believe) outed him. Weakland writes about his involvement in covering up and enabling child molesters in the priesthood.

• Your tax dollars at work: The geniuses who run Akron, Ohio, have decided to cut down 1000 healthy ash trees because there's a chance they might, at some point in the future, get attacked by beetles and die. They want federal stimulus money to pay for it.

• A guy in Michigan accidentally killed his wife with a chainsaw. They were trying to cut a tree when he hit her in the neck with the chainsaw.

• Botswana plans to circumcize 460,000 men to help prevent the spread of AIDS. The article doesn't make it clear whether or not the surgery will be voluntary.

• 18 Fun Atrocities Straight from the Bible

If she's not pregnant ...

... she needs to spend less time working on her arms and start doing some stomach crunches.

That's Michelle Obama at the White House Correspondents' Dinner last weekend.

Remember Dick in a Box?

There's a sequel - and it's good!

Doesn't this just piss you off?

Julia Roberts is over 40, she's had 3 kids, and she's got a hotter body than I've ever had. Not to mention she's fucking loaded. Private jets, who knows how many fancy houses, and exotic vacations. Bitch.

Still, she's my favorite celebrity. She's talented and worked hard to get where she is. She seems down to earth and I love the videos where she lets loose on the paparazzi for stalking her when she's with her kids. Girlfriend can drop the F-bomb as fast as I can.

Scroll down at this link for a video of her roasting Tom Hanks. It's funny as hell.

I call him little Gav

The mayor of Murray, Utah, reluctantly agreed to shave his handlebar mustache after the town's citizens, including his wife, voted for him to get rid of it. But "The Mustache Institute" has intervened. Its leaders say the mayor could find another way to support the charity:

"This could include shaving your head, your back or committing to not clipping your toenails for up to eight months."

More quickies:

• Rescue workers looking for a missing tourist on one of China's "Five Sacred Peaks" found seven dead bodies. None of them were the tourist. No word on whether they were victims of a serial killer or their own reckless adventurism.


• A university student in Ireland who was doing a study on globalization posted a fake quote on the Wikipedia bio of a famous composer shortly after his death. He wanted to see how far it would spread. He expected it to show up on blogs and websites but was surprised that it also showed up in newspapers around the world.

It's really nothing new though. People have been misquoting or making up quotes from famous people for centuries. If you google quotes, you'll often find the same one attributed to different people.

• For those old fogies who go to bed early, you can now download last night's episode of The Daily Show for free.

• For a good time, play "Star Trek Character, NPR Personality or Food Additive." I scored 73%.

• Fashion for those of us who don't want to grow up: Lego sunglasses.

• Good advice from Fark: If you are going to hit a 15-foot great white shark on the nose with the oar from your boat, try not to drop the oar in the water. Oh, and definitely don't fall into the water while trying to retrieve it.

• Even better advice from Fark: If you're going to urinate on someone's car, make sure he's not inside armed with a golf club.

• The Smoking Gun's mugshots of the week: The link goes to my favorite. And this guy will creep you out.

• Speaking of mugshots, it doesn't take a genius to teach high school. A math teacher in Florida got arrested for having sex with a 16 year old student. He proclaimed his love for her on his Myspace page. Apparently, he forgot his wife could read and that a jilted teenager will turn your ass in.

• Imagine getting raped and 6 months later you get a call from a bill collector because you didn't pay the hospital for the rape kit. It's happening in Texas even though the state has a victim's fund that's supposed to pay for those expenses.

• If you're as old as I am, you' remember Born Innocent, the made for TV movie starring Linda Blair as a teenager sent to a home for wayward girls. It was controversial because of the scene where the other girls raped her with a broomstick. Four teenage football players in Florida did the same to a 13 year old teammate. They used a broom and a hockey stick.

• Remember Footloose? The new version takes place at Heritage Christian School in Ohio, which forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing. One of their students wants to take his girlfriend to her public high school prom. Maybe Kevin Bacon could play his dad.

By the way, there really is a Footloose remake in the works. Zac Efron turned down the part but it looks like Chace Crawford is in. Hollywood never runs out of pretty faces.

• Remember when that Alien explodes out of Sigourney Weaver? The same thing happened to a guy in England. A painful lump formed just above his navel. It was hot to the touch and caused excruciating pain for about a month before he started bleeding and the lump tore through his skin. It turned out to be a parasitic twin that died in the womb and was absorbed into his body, where it stayed for 30 years. Now he says:

"I could have had a twin brother. I have him in a jar at home and I call him little Gav."

• A Long Island woman got upset because her 9 year old daughter was fighting with a friend. So she placed a Craig's List ad for sexual services. When potential clients emailed her, she gave them the phone number for the other girl's mom.

Happy Mother's Day.

My new crush is Chris Pine

Lately, it seems like I go in streaks. I'll do several posts in one day then skip a few days. This is my second post today, so I'm going to start using the scheduling option more. I have something else that won't publish until tomorrow.

The guy in the picture is Chris Pine, who really pisses off William Shatner because he got to be in the new Star Trek movie and Shatner didn't. I don't think it helps that Chris is better looking than old Bill ever was.

I rarely go to movies in the theater anymore but I was planning to go to Star Trek this weekend. When I looked up the schedule, I found out it's now $7 for the matinee. WTF. That's half-a-month's subscription to Netflix, so I guess I'll have to wait for the DVD and lust after Chris on the small screen.

I lurk on a message board for gay men where they post sexy pictures of celebs. That's where I found out Chris's father was also an actor. Robert Pine, who starred in CHIPS with Erik Estrada. He played their captain? sargent? Whatever. I don't remember but click the link and you'll see the resemblance.

Turn ons: the Vulcan mind meld
Turn offs: bloated old guys with expensive toupees and inflated egos (I'm talking about you, Bill Shatner)

I've always had a crush on Shirley MacLaine

Eek. I didn't realize I let 3 days go by without updating. I'm posting some eye candy to get back in the swing.

I know Shirley MacLaine mostly as an older actress - Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, Guarding Tess. Some of my favorite movies. She's funny as hell. It's fun to go back and look at her in some of her ingenue roles, like Sweet Charity and The Apartment. She was good at playing cute but you could always see the wry intelligence in her eyes. One of the greatest actresses of my lifetime.

A bird on the leg is worth $300

A 17 year old girl in Michigan called 911 while her father, who was recovering from brain surgery, lay unconscious on the kitchen floor suffering a seizure. When the 911 operator didn't answer right away, she muttered, "What the fuck."

The operator, a police sergeant, scolded her for swearing. She told him she needed an ambulance and he hung up on her.

So she called back, asked for an ambulance again, and he scolded her some more and called her a "stupid ass" then hung up on her again. She dialed 911 a third time and he hung up on her a third time.

So she drove to the nearby police station for help and was greeted by guess who. He arrested her for disorderly conduct and "abusing 911," a charge that doesn't even exist.

More than 6 minutes passed from her first call until the cop dispatched emergency services, and even then, he lied to the responders about what happened.

Damn. Guess he forgot those 911 calls are recorded.

Time for some quickies:

• Fame whore Gloria Allred is suing fame whore Nadya "Octomom" Suleman on behalf of fame whore and former child celebrity Paul Petersen. The allegation is that Octomom is violating child labor laws by putting her babies in a reality show.

• A homeless guy in Winnipeg jumped into the freezing river to save a boy who jumped from the bridge. The firemen arrived after he dragged the kid ashore and told him he was a hero. He said, "Well, possibly, but can I get a blanket? I'm kind of cold."

• The Jeopardy answer of the day: Spiderman, Tinky Winky and an Oompa Loompa. The question: Who got arrested at the holiday camp in Devon?

• According to a Russian website, a man there wasn't satisfied with his 6 inch penis so he got it enlarged to 10 inches. He went back later and asked to have it reduced because no woman wanted to take him on. The doctor said, “If there was a surgery to enlarge brains, we would offer him a free trial.”

Of course, if this story was true, a lot of guys would be selling their Porsches and lining up for the next flight to Russia.

• From an equally reliable source: A woman in China was giving her boss a BJ in his car when they were rear-ended by a van. She bit his penis off. The fine journalist who wrote this must have read The World According to Garp.

• The birds in the picture are from Vietnam. The legs they're attached to belong to the guy who tried to smuggle them into the U.S. He said he paid $50 a piece for them and would sell them for $300. (from The Smoking Gun)

Swine Pooh

I call B.S. on E.E.

Elizabeth Edwards is on a press junket promoting her new book. As usual, she's trying to have her cake and eat it too.

She wrote about her husband John's affair with Rielle Hunter and discusses it in interviews, but she refuses to get into the nitty gritty. Oprah asked her if John is the father of Hunter's baby. Elizabeth said, "I have no idea."

Bullshit. If it wasn't his, she would know and she would say so. Her answer means either: 1) He told her it's not his but shedoesn't believe him, or 2) She believes it's his but decided not to ask him so she can maintain deniability, or 3) She knows it's his and she's lying.

I'm losing sympathy for her position in all this. It's tragic that she has cancer - that's something she had no control over, and I'm sure it affects every decision she makes. But she's the one who chose to put herself, her family and this scandal back in the spotlight.

In her Oprah interview, Elizabeth said that when they got married she asked John for one gift: "I wanted him to be faithful to me."

Isn't that usually assumed when you marry someone? You wouldn't make a special point of bringing it up unless you knew the guy was a poon-hound. She made herself a very nice bed in a ginormous mansion with full-time servants, then she invited us all inside.

The one bit of "news" that did come out of these interviews - she and John are still together. Gossip blogs have made hay over sightings of Elizabeth without her wedding ring. But she looks bloated in recent photos, possibly from her cancer treatments. Maybe the ring doesn't fit anymore.

Quote of the day

“If you had to quit every time there was a rumor that a politician was being inappropriate with regard to sex, nobody would work in politics.”

~ a former John Edwards campaign staffer

Blinded by the poop

A Pennsylvania grandmother took pictures of her 3 year old grand-daughter having a bath. When she left them at Walmart to be developed, a worker called the police.

The local prosecutor, apparently a perv, saw "a little girl with her bare butt showing, kind of looking over her shoulder," as "graphic" and "offensive." He charged Grandma with child porn. Fifteen months later, a special prosecutor dropped the charges. Summing up the case, reason.com warns:

Even if the nude photos you've taken of your kids pass the clear-as-mud "cute butt," "gut feeling," and "reasonable people can disagree/that's when it comes to us" tests, and are deemed innocent as a basket of puppies, you could still be in violation of the law if the state determines that the clothed to unclothed-but-innocent ratio in your family photo albums is inappropriate.

More quickies:

• Speaking of Walmart, a woman in Canada walked into the store's bathroom and found a little purple fist sticking out of the toilet. Another woman had just given birth and abandoned her baby there. The baby survived, the mother's on trial, and surveillance videos show that she entered the store, delivered the baby, and left the store in the space of 15 minutes. Her friends who waited in the parking lot didn't even know she was pregnant.

• A woman in New York jumped or fell from the top of her 20-story apartment building. She was depressed after weeks of struggling to get her 4 month old son to breastfeed.

• "Sorry for the inconvenience." That was the note left by a Lesbian couple who committed suicide in a London hotel room. One of the women had a history of prior attempts.

• An 8th grader in California was hospitalized after he tried to kill himself. When he returned to school, he showed a teacher his cuts. The teacher, who still has his job, said, "Carve deeper next time."

• An Illinois driver didn't notice the red light or the motorcyclist in front of her who had stopped for it. She hit the bike and killed the driver. She told police she didn't see the light because she was painting her fingernails at the time.

• Hickey on your neck? That's a beating - if you're 15, you live in New Zealand, and your mom's already pissed because you missed your curfew.

• German historians say Van Gogh didn't cut off his own ear - his friend Gauguin did it. They were fighting outside a brothel.

• French people sleep more than people from anywhere else in the world, an average of 9 hours a night, and they also spend 2 hours a day sitting down to eat. According to the same poll, Americans come in second, sleeping an average of 8.5 hours a night, and Spaniards come in third.

• Fark headline of the day: Supreme court rules Janet Jackson's nipple is still a threat to our way of life.

• The average male ejaculation is comprised mostly of fructose but it only amounts to 7 calories, including the protein in the sperm. The average penis is between 5 and 6 inches long. Jonah Falcon's penis is 9.5" flaccid, 13.5" hard.

Why was this important enough to publish in Rolling Stone? I don't know. Why am I repeating it? My blog would be incomplete without occasional mentions of penises or poop.

• Finally, just so you know: Raccoon poop is neither a toy nor a healthy snack. It might contain roundworm which causes nausea, nerve damage or even death. New York has recent cases of a poo-slinging teenager blinded and a poo-eating baby brain damaged.

Blinded by the poop
revved up by the deuce
another runner in the night

Totally queer quote of the day

An ingredient in Mountain Dew, specifically the food dye Yellow #5, was reported by my fifth grade classmate Rory to undoubtedly lower your sperm count, thus making you “totally queer.” The only known cure at the time, was red-headed Sara’s prematurely large, freckled breasts. For years these results went unchallenged until I Googled it yesterday.

~ from a Spike article, "The Top 10 Lies You've Been Told About Sex"

For your surfing pleasure

Recently discovered websites:

• Hot Guys in Flu Masks - Exactly what it purports to be.

• Awkward Boners - Again, just what it purports to be.

• Men Are Better Than Women, created by Dick Masterson. Among the gems I found there - The number one reason men are better - they have penises. Oh, and - Every Woman Is a Cheating Whore.

Quote of the day

"They looked out of place because they were so beautiful. They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, 'No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it – it was like a dream."

~ a Long Island store manager gushing after a visit from Brad and Angelina

Totally tasteless but I'll post it anyway

"Kokomo" will never be the same. If you want to avoid becoming the subject of this song, check ou the Cuchini.

Truth, justice and the Republican way

Just for shits and giggles, I signed up for an online newsletter called "Human Events" which "gives voice to the great conservative thinkers of our era -- Robert Novak, Michelle Malkin, L. Brent Bozell, Terence Jeffrey, Bruce Bartlett, Thomas Sowell, David Limbaugh, Oliver North, Pat Buchanan and many more."

That alone tells you why the Republicans are in so much trouble. Michelle Malkin and Ollie North are among the great conservative thinkers of our era?

They send me several emails a day. Today's batch included "a special message" from one of their advertisers. It was a hysterical rant about Obama from United States Justice Foundation (not to be confused with the Justice League of America). The highlight:

DON'T LET HIM RIP THE CONSTITUTION TO SHREDS!

Apparently Obama's not really president because he wasn't born in the U.S.? Yes, there are still nutjobs out there carrying on with this nonsense.

After 4 pages of "HELP US EXPOSE THE OBAMA COVER-UP" and "IT'S A BATTLE THAT WILL DECIDE WHETHER THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL REMAIN A CONSTITUTIONAL REPUBLIC, OR WHETHER WE WILL JOIN THE DUST HEAP OF HISTORY AS JUST ANOTHER FAILED EXPERIMENT!", there's a disclaimer:

Please know that we are not saying that Barack Hussein Obama is not eligible to serve as President of the United States of America. The problem is we just do not know!

By the way, all the CAPS and the BOLDS are lifted directly from the newsletter.

Yesterday, Human Events sent out an email with "a special message" from The Pray in Jesus Name Project. The title:

Help Republicans Stop Obama's Anti-Jesus, Anti-Life Judge.

It was about how Republican senators staged a walkout at this week's confirmation hearings for "ANTI-JESUS, ANTI-LIFE Judge David Hamilton," who had the audacity to follow the First Amendment prohibition against government establishment of religion and the Supreme Court precedent of Roe vs. Wade. Oh the horror!

Earlier this week, Human Events sent out emails about 2 Pat Buchanan columns, including "The Obama Flu" (it's all his fault because he won't close the U.S. borders to all buses and planes from Mexico) and "Is Torture Ever Moral?" (why yes, yes it is.)

Human Events also sent me a column by Ann Coulter that starts out:

Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted "torture" and have irreparably harmed America's image abroad.

Yes, America, these are the "great conservative thinkers" of our times.

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Since the FSM was mentioned in the previous post, I thought it was time I learned more about it. The FSM church wasn't mentioned in my religious studies course all those years ago. Turns out, they have a gospel, which includes:

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go on a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi-million dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
   1. Ending poverty
   2. Curing diseases
   3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
   I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

A U.S. News and World Report blogger says that atheists need to get organized to compete with the powerful social networks created by other churches and reap the psychological and social benefits of churchgoing.

She doesn't seem to realize a lot of us are atheists because we're too lazy to go to church.

When you put on your Jesus glasses, you can't see the truth.

Last night, I got caught up on American Idol. My heart just about stopped when I saw Adam in the bottom two. I hope it was just a case of his fans being over-confident and voting for someone else they wanted to save.

I was glad to see Matt go. There was nothing about him that appealed to me. He dressed like a Timberlake wannabe and couldn't decide who he was as a singer.

Danny's performance this week was fantastic. Allison has a great voice but she reminds me of David Archuleta - a little trained seal who's been performing since she was a baby.

Note to Chris: you have a sweet face, deal with it. The "beard" looks stupid.

The kid in the picture? He was arrested for shoplifting $50 worth of condoms, lip balm and makeup. More quickies:

• For years, in misguided attempts to prevent sexual harassment, schools have banned students from hugging each other. Now they're banning handshakes too, in an effort to combat swine flu. The viruses have already won.

• Katrina is so not over. More than three years later, about 6000 families still live in FEMA trailers and thousands more are homeless or live in substandard housing. They are mostly single-parent families, poor, mentally ill, disabled and elderly. Friday was the deadline for everyone to move out of the trailers. One of the reasons FEMA is pressuring them is because neighbors complain the trailers are bringing down their property values. Good old American capitalism.

• Fark headline of the day: Since the swine flu is starting to lose its luster, here's a story about how the Taliban is going to nuke us all. EVERYBODY PANIC.

• Guy A borrows $100 from Guy B. When Guy B comes to collect, Guy A offers to let him have sex with his girlfriend instead. Of course the girlfriend was not consulted. When she objected, Guy B hit her and threatened to kill her while Guy A sat in a chair and watched him rape her vaginally, orally and anally. Neighbors heard the commotion and Guy B threatened to kill them too. Guy A and Guy B are in jail now.

• So you're jogging along the riverfront in Harrisburg, PA, and a guy jumps out from behind a bush and flashes his wiener at you. Would you notice that he's toothless?

• If you have a heart and/or a sensitive stomach, you might want to skip this one: The parents of a 5 month old baby in Illinois left him sitting in a car seat without food or water for 8 days. The baby died from an infection caused by a dirty diaper - the skin on his back and bottom had started to decay.

• The Sears Tower in Chicago is about to be renamed the Willis Tower. Now, they're planning to add glass balconies that jut out from the Skydeck on the 103rd floor. That way, you'll be able to walk out on the glass and look straight down. What chu talkin' about, Willis?

• A drunk driver in Nebraska tried to turn into an alley but went through a fence, hit a utility pole, hit a garage, drove across a yard, hit another fence, and another, crossed another yard, hit a house and another garage. Ta da!

• A pilot took off in a single engine plane at a Washington airport, rose 150 feet in the air before the engine quit, tried to turn around, hit a fence and landed upside down on top of a lot full of portable toilets. Ta da!

• "When you put on your Jesus glasses, you can't see the truth." That's what a high school history teacher in California told his class. He also told them creationism is "religious, superstitious nonsense," religion was "invented when the first con man met the first fool," "Conservatives don't want women to avoid pregnancies – that's interfering with God's work" and "When you pray for divine intervention, you're hoping that the spaghetti monster will help you get what you want."

One of his students sued and now he's been found guilty of violating the First Amendment's establishment of religion clause. I guess that whole freedom of speech thing doesn't count.

I'm not sure how the Flying Spaghetti Monster feels about being lumped in there with Jesus.

Hospital x 3

My mom was released from the big city hospital a week ago today and went to stay at my brother's house 100 miles away. On Monday, he rushed her to the E.R. again. She had a bowel obstruction. He said that over the course of about 15 minutes, her stomach blew up from looking bloated, like she was maybe 3-4 months pregnant to looking like she was 9 months pregnant. And it kept getting bigger during the 20 minute ride to the hospital. She said she was in more pain than she ever had when she was in labor.

I've been down there at the bigger city hospital (where my brother works) most of the week. The doctors - she had a gazillion of them since it's a teaching hospital - couldn't make up their minds what to do. On Wednesday, they told us she would have surgery on Thursday. On Thursday morning, they said no surgery but they wanted to keep her there to observe her 2 or 3 more days. Thursday night, they told us she'd be dismissed on Friday. On Friday, they told us they'd be dismissed today.

I came home last night so I don't know what the prognosis is today.

This is the 3rd hospital she's been in during the last 2.5 weeks. Let's hope third time's a charm. It was 2 weeks ago today that she coded.

Swine flu