Eye candy for the weekend

Corbin Bernsen.

Happy weekend to my favorite fiend.

Is that a chocolate penis in your pocket?

At least I'm not quite this crazy:

A woman in Florida stormed into a bank with a shotgun and took everybody hostage because she believed George Bush was trying to kill her.

Many years ago, one of my former friends from college called up a mutual friend and said George Bush was trying to kill her - but she was talking about Dubya's dad. She said she'd slept with him and he wanted to make sure she couldn't tell.

The funny part is, this particular friend had a habit of hooking up with the strangest people and for all we knew, she could've been telling the truth.

The one and only time I ever had hallucinations, all the voice told me to do was go outside and sit down and wait for the police to come and get me.

When the police didn't show up, the voice told me to go talk to my psychiatrist and when I told him I didn't know how to get there, he told me to go to my neighbor's house. I was so manic that I thought the whole thing was hilarious and the voice agreed with me - he said, "You've got to write this shit down."

Guess I just did. A few quickies:

• Now that's ingenuity: A 58 year old homeless woman in Japan spent the last year living in a man's closet. She wasn't discovered until he noticed food missing and set up video surveillance. She had even moved a mattress into the closet and took showers when he was at work.

• No more dogs for you: A woman in Florida lost custody of her 2 German shepherds and 2 cats and is permanently banned from having pets after her teenage son, who has since graduated from high school, made a video of himself having sex with the male dog. She said she had no idea it was going on. I wonder if there was peanut butter involved.

• More mugshots from The Smoking Gun. My favorite is #4.

• If you're going to get caught shoplifting, do you really want it to be because you had a chocolate penis in your pocket?

It's official - since I have so many posts about penises, I think it's time to add a new label.

• The picture is from My Confined Space.

You don't wanna piss off an old guy with a boner

Here's what Bob Dole thinks of Scott McClellan:

"There are miserable creatures like you in every administration who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with the boss or colleagues ... No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits and, spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique ...

"... if all these awful things were happening, ... you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high-profile job."

I guess Bob thinks shilling Viagra is more dignified than writing a tell-all.

Today's post brought to you by Godwin's Law

Follow up on ICE, ICE, baby:

Immigration and Customs Enforcement has a program called "Operation Return to Sender," with teams of agents who are supposed to round up illegal aliens for deportation. Each team has an annual quota of 1,000 aliens. From Slate:

... to meet their quotas, enforcement teams carry out large-scale sweeps, raiding homes in neighborhoods with a lot of immigrants just after sunrise. Without an accurate list of which homes actually harbor undocumented immigrants, agents often rely on race to figure out who's here legally and who isn't. For example, in Fair Haven, Conn., several residents reported that during a raid last summer, ICE officers went door to door asking how many people were inside each house—and what race they were. In an ICE operation in Willmar, Minn., Latino residents were handcuffed and interrogated while white residents, some even in the same home, went unquestioned ...

By ICE's own admission, the bureau has mistakenly detained, arrested, and even deported not only legal immigrants but also U.S. citizens. Those caught up in recent home raids include Adriana Aguilar, a citizen living in East Hampton, N.Y., who was sound asleep with her 4-year-old son when ICE officers stormed into her bedroom, pulled the covers off the bed, and shined flashlights into her face before interrogating her. In San Rafael, Calif., ICE detained 6-year-old Kebin Reyes, a citizen from birth, holding him in a locked office for 12 hours after immigration agents, pretending to be police, stormed into the apartment he shared with his father and forcibly removed him from his home.

Godwin's Law says that:

"As [an online discussion] grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."

It's also known as reductio ad Nazium.

So here I go: Long before the first concentration camp opened, long before the first gas chamber was built, Hitler and the Nazis began classifying people as inferior. Only about half the people who died in the the Holocaust were Jews. Many of the others were foreigners or non-Aryan - Poles, Slavs, Africans, Asians, and Gypsies.

Today we are living in a country where xenophobia runs rampant. Brown-skinned people are being targeted and persecuted. The courts and Congress are doing virtually nothing about it. Most of us don't even blink an eye.

First they came for the terrorists and I wasn't a terrorist so I did nothing. Then they came for the gays and I wasn't gay, so I did nothing. Then they came for the Latinos and I wasn't Latino, so I did nothing. Next they'll be coming for the disabled and mentally ill. Maybe I should start packing.

That's Hedley!

A few quickies:

• Panties for peace: Women in Canada, Europe, Australia, and Brazil are sending panties to the Myanmar embassies in those countries to protest the ruling junta's response to the cyclone. No word on whether the panties are new or used.

• "I was basically trying to get my pants and shoes on so I could leave." That's what the guy who had a one night stand with accused murderer Sheila LaBarre testified. Right after they had sex, she started telling him she was an angel sent by God to kill sex offenders.

The strangest part of the story is she was acting so weird when he picked her up along the side of the road that he called the police and asked if they were looking for someone who had escaped prison or a mental hospital. They said they weren't so he screwed her.

• Remember those old skits on the Carol Burnett show where Tim Conway would make Harvey Korman start laughing? Well, Harvey won't be cracking up anymore - he died on Thursday. Age 81.

You can see a video of one of their best sketches here.

Cue the Alanis Morissette song

U.S. Customs and Border Protection has made a practice of searching laptops, cell phones and other electroinic devices of anyone entering or leaving the U.S. (see "Your Daily Dose of Paranoia") They even go so far as to copy the list of websites you've visited or your entire hard drive.

How ironic that U.S. authorities are now investigating whether or not Chinese officials secretly copied the contents of a government laptop when Commerce Secretary Carlos M. Gutierrez was visiting Beijing. The Chinese may have used to info to hack into Commerce department computers.

And since I'm on the theme of irony - on Tuesday, MSNBC commentators were laughing at the White House's programmed response to the new book by Scott McClellan. Bush's supporters were all dismissing McClellan as a disgruntled former employee. Keith Olbermann and his cronies thought that was a hoot.

Meanwhile on CNN, reporter Jessica Yellin was also discussing McClellan's book, specifically his charges that the press didn't do enough to question the propaganda that led to the war.

She said that when she was working at MSNBC she felt that she and other reporters were under pressure from corporate executives to present the war "in a way that was consistent with the patriotic fever in the nation and the president's high approval ratings."

When asked about Yellin, an MSNBC spokesman responded:

"... we find it hard to believe that anyone would take this disgruntled former employee's comments seriously."

Strangely enough, Keith O didn't comment on that.

Turn ons: Alanis Morissette, Isn't it ironic?
Turn offs: Scott McClellan, telling too little too late

Time to make the donuts

Fox's Michelle Malkin, who sits somewhere to the right of Bill O'Reilly on politics and somewhere below him on IQ, made a big stink about a new Dunkin Donuts commercial featuring Rachael Ray.

In the ad, Rachael's wearing a keffiyeh, a type of scarf or headdress traditionally worn by Arabs. That's Rachael in hers and Yasser Arafat in his.

Malkin says the scarf symbolizes "the murderous Palestinian jihad."

Do all things Arabic symbolize terrorism? Keffiyehs aren't exactly like gang colors. According to Wikipedia, keffiyehs are "commonly found in arid climate areas to provide protection from direct sun exposure, as well as for occasional use in protecting the mouth and eyes from blown dust and sand."

They're also one of this year's hottest fashion accessories, being sold under names like "A Peace Treaty."

Dunkin Donuts pulled the ad and put out this statement:

"In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial."

The terrorists at Fox News have won.

Rachael made a mistake - by wearing too much makeup and an ugly scarf that made her neck look shorter. Dunkin Donuts shouldn't have used her as a spokesperson because - between Food Network, her syndicated talk show, her book promotions, and all her other endorsements - she's already overexposed. A lot of her fans don't even like her anymore.

But for Dunkin Donuts to cave in to pressure from a brainless blowhard like Malkin and the few (very vocal) morons who listen to her is beyond stupid.

Arabic does not equal terrorist. Islamic does not equal evil. Right-wingers need to get that through their thick skulls.

And Dunkin Donuts needs to forget about celebrity endorsements and go back to ads like this.

A disgruntled former employee

More on Scott McClellan (see "Two pictures that will break your heart" below). From the Yahoo News summary of McClellan's book:

The Bush White House made "a decision to turn away from candor and honesty when those qualities were most needed" — a time when the nation was on the brink of war, McClellan writes in the book entitled "What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception."

The way Bush managed the Iraq issue "almost guaranteed that the use of force would become the only feasible option."

"In the permanent campaign era, it was all about manipulating sources of public opinion to the president's advantage," McClellan writes.

White House aides seemed stunned by the scathing tone of the book, and Bush press secretary Dana Perino issued a statement that was highly critical of their former colleague.

"Scott, we now know, is disgruntled about his experience at the White House," she said. "For those of us who fully supported him, before, during and after he was press secretary, we are puzzled. It is sad - this is not the Scott we knew."

And I finally found something I can agree with from Karl Rove:

"If he had these moral qualms, he should have spoken up about them. And frankly I don't remember him speaking up about these things. I don't remember a single word."

In the book, McClellan says:

The Iraq war was not necessary ... Waging an unnecessary war is a grave mistake.

Pun intended? How many thousands of soldiers and civilians have died in this war?

And he says,

When words I uttered, believing them to be true, were exposed as false, I was constrained by my duties and loyalty to the president and unable to comment.

What about his loyalty to the constitution, to other Americans, and to the troops who were being sent to Iraq to be killed or maimed? Didn't he have a duty to all of us? He talks about the enablers in the press who didn't ask enough questions, but what about all the enablers in the White House, the State Department, the Pentagon and Congress?

If only one of Bush's advisers had resigned and stepped forward and said, "This is wrong," think of all the lives that could have been saved. The suffering prevented.

McClellan says Bush has "lack of inquisitiveness," "a degree of self-deception that may be psychologically necessary to justify the tactics needed to win the political game," and he "convinces himself to believe what suits his needs at the moment."

Can't the same be said about McClellan? And maybe the entire U.S. Congress, the press corps, and all the rest of us who kept quiet instead of trying to stop it.

We all knew this war was wrong.

Can't think of a title

Something Awful has a collection of bad license plates. The one in the picture is my favorite.

Some quickies:

• God works in mysterious ways? A woman in Scotland was head-butted by a cow. The cow hit her in the stomach and she went to the hospital for treatment, where they discovered she had cervical cancer. Finding it when they did probably saved her life.

• Sydney Pollack died of cancer on Monday at age 73. He directed some of my favorite movies of all time - The Way We Were, Out of Africa, Jeremiah Johnson, Electric Horseman, Havana.

He was one of Robert Redford's best friends. They met in 1962 when they were filming War Hunt, which was the first movie for both of them.

• In a recent interview, Jodie Foster said, "Look, it's terrible, I know, but weakness really, really bugs me, to the point that if there is a wounded bird on the sidewalk, I look at it and I go: I think I'll just kick it."

Wonder if that's why she dumped her girlfriend after 14 years. Jodie left her for a new, flashier girlfriend.

Two pictures that will break your heart

The first is a teenager saying goodbye to his brother the day he left for Iraq. The second is the same boy kissing his brother's coffin a few months later.

Scott McClellan, the former White House press secretary, has a new book coming out. He says Bush used propaganda to sell the war in Iraq. Excerpts:

I still like and admire President Bush ... But he and his advisers confused the propaganda campaign with the high level of candor and honesty so fundamentally needed to build and then sustain public support during a time of war ...

If anything, the national press corps was probably too deferential to the White House and to the administration in regard to the most important decision facing the nation during my years in Washington, the choice over whether to go to war in Iraq.

The collapse of the administration’s rationales for war, which became apparent months after our invasion, should never have come as such a surprise. … In this case, the ‘liberal media’ didn’t live up to its reputation. If it had, the country would have been better served.

It's good to have a former insider tell the truth but also important to remember that he's one of the people who sold the war to us. Maybe he's trying to clear his conscience.

But I think McClellan needs to visit some of the men and women in Vets hospitals who've been maimed by this war and then go to a few funerals. Then ask himself if he still likes and admires Bush.

If you scroll down at this link where they discuss the pictures, you'll find a list of all the troops who have died in Iraq so far this year. One of the commenters said:

Just as firemen and police risk their lives in the interest of public safety, so do the men and women of our military. Yes, they are volunteers. However:

It is a felony to knowingly place firemen or police at risk. Send someone into a burning building claiming there's someone trapped when you know it to be false? That's murder.

Please explain this to the executive branch and how it relates to "They have WMDs and they're coming right for us!"

Save the children

I don't know why I was so shocked by this but I was. Save the Children UK just released a report that says UN peacekeepers and international aid workers sexually abuse children. And the abuse is widespread and vastly underreported:

It said some children were denied food aid unless they granted sexual favors; others were forced to have sex or to take part in child pornography; many more were subjected to improper touching or kissing.

Jasmine Whitbread, chief executive of Save the Children UK [said] "A tiny proportion of peacekeepers and aid workers are abusing the children they were sent to protect. It ranges from sex for food to coerced sex. It's despicable."

The UN is taking steps to address the problem, but the abusers come from other organizations as well, including Save the Children.

I've always known that pedophiles look for jobs that will give them access to children - coaches, priests, boy scout leaders, teachers, clowns. But to exploit a child who's already been victimized by war and famine, and in some cases, has already been raped - how could anyone do such a thing and still call themselves human?

Thought for today

Do we really need a "sport" that leaves the winner looking like this? That's boxer Ricky Hatton following his latest bout.

My brakes need work and I have a loose belt

I really need to take my car in for repairs but I so don't want to go.

Panties, a foot fetish and a paddle

No, this is not another post about porn. It's quickie time.

• In the case of a suspected terrorist who was living in the U.S.:

Government lawyers told federal judges that the president can send the military into any U.S. neighborhood, capture a citizen and hold him in prison without charge, indefinitely.

How much is our Constitution worth? How many of civil rights are we willing to give up before we start screaming?

• Yes, I'm old enough to remember Laugh In. Co-host Dick Martin died this week. Say good night, Dick.

• Another sign that things are tough all over: The Manalapan, NJ, police department had their phones disconnected for failure to pay.

• A serial killer with a foot fetish? Over the course of the last 9 months, four severed human feet have washed ashore on the Gulf Islands, in British Columbia. The first 3 were all right feet and info about the 4th has not yet been released. Investigators haven't ruled out the possibility they belonged to plane crash or drowning victims.

• If you're trying to convince your hubby to get snipped, don't let him read this. When a guy in the U.K. went for a vasectomy 12 years ago, the anesthetic didn't work. He doubled over in pain and vomited, then one of his testicles swelled and turned black and he began suffering chronic pain. Two years later, he had his testicles removed but he's still in pain.

• A teenager in Texas was killed while walking along the side of the road. His neck was sliced open by stolen stop signs that were sticking out of a pickup that drove past.

• Now, don't get your panties in a twist: Employees at a Hindu temple in India were not allowed to wear underwear to work. The policy started 10 years ago as a way to prevent theft. The local human rights commission has overruled the dress code.

• Elementary students in one North Carolina school are disciplined by a "silent lunch," where they're forced to sit at a table alone and eat without talking. One parent called that "cruel and unusual punishment." But those kids are getting off easy - North Carolina is one of 22 states that allow teachers to paddle students.

• More than 2 years ago, Marine Sgt. Merlin German was struck by a roadside bomb in Iraq. He was burned over 97% of his body. He died at Brooke Army Medical Center last month. Read his inspiring story here.

And remember him when you vote. Our troops don't belong in Iraq.

Turn ons: You bet your sweet bippy.
Turn offs: IEDs

Strategery on the home front

From The Invisible War in the NY Times:

Landing in Seattle after a long flight from Texas, I was about to join the exit scrum when the pilot informed us there were five soldiers on board, ending a three-day odyssey home from Iraq. Could we let them pass?

What followed was prolonged applause by all, and a startling reminder to some – oh, are we still at war?

... for its prolonged clutch on our treasury and blood, no war as been so out-of-sight, so stage-managed to be painless and invisible. We’re supposed to shop, to spend our stimulus checks, to carry on as if nothing has happened — or is happening. Every now and then we get to rise at a stadium or pause on an airplane. Some sacrifice.

Quote of the day

Q: Hillary's assasination remark was........

A: twisted and distorted by the media
in ways that boggle the mind

~ from Rosie O'Donnell's "Ask Ro" blog

What is it they say about apples and trees?

Hulk Hogan's son Nick injured his friend John Graziano in a car accident last year. He was drunk and racing another driver when they car crashed into a tree.

Graziano, an Iraq war veteran, is living in a rehab center, and various reports have labeled him a paraplegic, quadraplegic or a vegetable.

Now, Nick is serving 8 months in jail (which means he'll probably get out in 4) and feeling awfully sorry for himself. The Florida authorities have released tapes of his phone conversations.

A partial transcript of a call between Nick and his father:

Hulk: I don't know what type of person John was or what he did to get himself in the situation. I know he was pretty aggressive and he used to yell at people and he used to do stuff ... but for some reason, man, God laid some heavy shit on that kid ... I don't know what he was into ...

Nick: John was a negative person ...

They then went on to discuss their plans for a new reality show about how Nick recovers when he gets out of jail.

In another conversation, Nick's mother made some sweet comments about John's mother:

I just feel so bad that you're there because truthfully, Nick, you don't deserve to be there ... I knew him better than his own mother knew him ... She has no other recourse other than to be nasty and vindictive now ... If she really knew the relationship between you and John ... she'd be sad right now, she wouldn't be mad ... She'd be devastated like I am. She's not sad, she's just acting angry like she just wants the money. John never meant anything to her or Ed [Johns' father] ... It's like she's not suffering, I am. I have the loss ...

The Hulk said he's trying to get Nick out of jail to serve his sentence on house arrest. I hope these tapes will prevent that from happening.

The picture is entirely gratuitous

I just like looking at him.

The Independent in the U.K. has compiled a list of the top 10 rudest town names in Britain. My favorites are Lickey End (isn't that called rimming?), Cockermouth (I'll take the mouth first please), Prickwillow and Wetwang.

There's also a town called Upper Dicker, which reminded me of a porn video I saw once with a guy who had 2 penises, one right above the other. His upper dick wasn't fully functional but the bottom one worked just fine.

I know - I've been a naughty blogger lately.

Some quickies:

• Speaking of naughty, did you know there are aphrodesiacs made from toad venom? They're sold in sex shops in NYC under names like Love Stone, Jamaican Stone, and Chinese Rock. The poison control center in NYC just put out a warning because a guy died from ingesting it.

• Speaking of top 10 lists, check out the 10 best beer names ever. My favorites are Ridgeway Santa's Butt and Wasatch Polygamy Porter (with the slogan "Why have just one?")

• Last year, Richard Gere kissed Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty and an Indian court threatened to arrest them on obscenity charges. I wonder what they'll do to Tania Zaetta. She went a little too far when she was entertaining Australian troops in Afghanistan. She allegedly had sex with some of them and there's a video to prove it.

• Some baseball teams give away bobble head dolls, but the Saint Paul Saints gave away bobble foot dolls - it's a restroom stall with a toe tapping foot peeking out from underneath.

• Sick: Some asshole in Massachusetts nailed a live python to a telephone pole.

• Not sick, at least not right now: Do we really need to know that John McCain has polyps in his colon? McCain and Obama released their medical records today. Presidential candidates have to give up a certain amount of privacy but I'm a little creeped out by the idea that they can't keep their medical records to themselves.

I think it has implications for us all - companies are already prying into employees' medical histories and dictating whether or not they can smoke even when they're at home.

• Sure to cause nightmares for anyone who's ever taken a loved one off life support: A woman in West Virginia who was clinically dead, with no brain waves for 17 hours, woke up and is doing well now.

• Mommy's precious little boy: A woman in Wisconsin cancelled her wedding. Now the groom's mother is suing her.

• Check out this week's mugshot collection on The Smoking Gun. My favorite is #11. The chick on the left of #4 is downright scary.

• For a good laugh, check out these pics of the girl tragically stricken with open mouth disease.

Turn ons: Robert Redford
Turns offs: animal cruelty

Eye candy for the weekend

George Clooney with some boyfriends, Patrick Stewart and vintage Redford

Real genius

A long time ago, I heard an environmental activist say that we don't need to "Save the Earth" because Earth is going to be here no matter what. He said the slogan should be "Save the People."

I thought of that when I read this article about a report scientists wrote about what will happen if there's a major earthquake on the San Andreas fault. They estimate 50,000 people will be hurt and 1800 will die.

If we don't start showing more respect for Earth, it just might decide to get rid of us. Like a dog shaking off its fleas.

Some quickies:

• Is there anything you can't find on Craig's List? A guy in Alaska was trying to give away a dead moose. When it wandered into his yard and died, the Department of Fish and Game refused to take it. He received more than 50 responses right after he posted the ad on Craig's List, including one that said:

"I want it. But I can only take a haunch. I got only a small knife and a bicycle."

• Answer: G.I. Joe, a toy turtle, golf balls, tennis balls, spark plugs, a cigarette lighter, a doll, lawn mower parts, beer cans, and a 35 mm camera. The question: What are things found in the stomachs of alligators, Alex?

• A recent study found that drunk driving fatalities increase in areas that ban smoking in bars. One of the researchers says it might be because not being able to smoke means people drink more, but they believe the most likely explanation is that people drive further, to other jurisdictions, that allow smoking in bars.

Iowa just passed such a law. We'll see what happens.

• If your girlfriend is jail bait, it's probably not a good idea to post naked pictures on her on MySpace. Even a worse idea to include the comment, "Yo, U see how big her hole is! Its from me!"

But when the police tell you to take the pictures down, it takes a real genius to say, "Fuck that, I am keeping them up."

Turn ons: David Cook won American Idol
Turn offs: MySpace

Another rant about Keith O

Tonight one of his guests was Eugene Robinson, someone I admire in spite of the fact that he appears to be an Obama supporter. I'm a regular reader of his columns at the Washington Post. I've even quoted him before.

They were talking about the fact that white men are voting for Hillary. Olbermann was fretting over the idea that he and others in the press might be "giving cover" to racists by talking about how white men don't support him because of economic interests. Robinson basically said, Look, a racist isn't going to vote for Obama anyway, whether or not we give him an excuse.

I'm thoroughly amused by Olbermann's notion that a racist would vote for Hillary. Someone who's ignorant enough to believe an African-American shouldn't be president isn't any more progressive when it comes to women. And a woman who's been a champion of civil rights? I don't think so.

Maybe I should move to Iceland

Not that it really matters but Clint Eastwood says Hillary should keep running: "She’s showing her strength by hanging in there."

But that's not how the news organizations framed it - the headline I saw on Yahoo and elsewhere was Clint Eastwood Feels Sorry for Clinton. Nope, no bias there.

Speaking of bias, the boys' club on MSNBC - Matthews, Olbermann et al - seemed awfully defensive in their primary coverage tonight. They've been taking some well-deserved heat.

Disneyland might be the happiest place on Earth, but Iceland is the most peaceful. The Global Peace Index ranks nations by:

24 indicators of external and internal measures of peace, including U.N. deployments overseas and levels of violent crime, respect for human rights, the number of soldiers killed overseas and arms sales.

The US came in #97 of 140, behind Cuba, South Korea, and Libya. Afghanistan and Iraq were in the bottom 5. That should make Bush and Cheney proud. But hey, at least we ranked above Russia.

I like winter and Bjork seems like a fun chick to hang out with. Iceland's looking pretty good to me - after all, it is the home of the penis museum.

Flying penises and bread crumbs

Tonight (technically, last night) was the final showdown on American Idol, between David Cook and David Archuleta.

Seventeen year old Archuleta had a better night but I think Cook is the one who'll have the longest career.

We'll be seeing Archuleta on Celebrity Rehab in a few years. His father was such a control freak that once David's bound to go wild once he's on his own. Think Spears and Lohan.

AI did this whole boxing theme on the show - "Let's get ready to rumble!" - and the 2 contestants came out in boxing gloves and robes. It was stupid as hell but they carried the theme throughout the whole show. It had Ryan Seacrest written all over it.

Now for some quickies:

• If you're eating right now, put the food down before you click this link. It's the incredible, edible anus. Made of Belgian chocolate.

• Next time, leave a trail of bread crumbs: An off-duty pilot and flight attendant were arrested after they wandered off to have sex in the Pennsylvania woods. He got lost and was found hiding behind a shed, wearing nothing but flip flops and a wristwatch. Hey, at least he knew what time it was.

• Because what would my blog be without penises: Chessman Garry Kasparov was giving a speech in Moscow when a pro-Kremlin demonstrators disrupted the meeting with a remote controlled flying penis. I'm not kidding. The picture is priceless.

• Unbelievable but true. A woman in Salt Lake City is losing her home because of a $300 dental bill she never paid:

Ramos purchased the home for approximately $51,000 in the early 1990s. In 1995, the $300 dental bill went unpaid and a collections agency eventually filed a lawsuit against her.Ultimately, the courts ordered the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office to sell the home as real estate to pay off the dental debt -- which by that time had reached $958.At an auction, the home sold for a mere $1,550 to a firm called Jarmac Properties."Nobody ever told me they were selling the house," Ramos said.

• When a guy in Oregon got arrested for stealing a can of beer, he told the judge:

"I don’t need a lawyer ... I’ve been in this court more than you have."

• Cher turned 62 on Tuesday. A couple of weeks ago, she was on Oprah with Tina Turner. It was fun seeing them together, but Cher and Tina (who's 68) are starting to show their age. Their bodies are a little thicker in the middle and they're not as light on their feet as they used to be. But they both look a helluva lot better than me.

• The caveman in the picture is Andy Garcia. If I were talking to people in real life, I'd say he should wax his back. But the truth is, all that fur turns me on. Just call me Cave Girl. And picture me as a young Daryl Hannah.

Fantasy is so much nicer than reality.

Non-denial denials

According to the Jerusalem post, during Bush's recent trip to Israel, a "senior member" of his entourage told people in a closed meeting that Bush plans to attack Iran before he leaves office.

The source of the story says Bush and Cheney believe military action is necessary.

Today the White House issued a denial that they're going to attack Iran. Perrino said:

"[the] president of the United States should never take options off the table, but our preference and our actions for dealing with this matter remain through peaceful diplomatic means. Nothing has changed in that regard."

But it sounds an awful like the denials they gave before they attacked Iraq. Perrino's right - nothing has changed.

What the pundits aren't talking about

Ted Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor. According to AP, it could mean he has anywhere from a few months to five years to live. Makes me very sad, in spite of the fact that he betrayed Hillary to support Obama.

A group of Clinton's female supporters took out a full-page ad in the NY Times. It says:

Hillary's voice is OUR voice, and she's speaking for all of us ... We want Hillary to stay in this race until every vote is cast, every vote is counted, and we know that our voices are heard.

Geraldine Ferraro says that she blames sexism for Hillary's apparent defeat:

"Latent sexism has been around this country for a long time. In this campaign it was rampant ... There is a real difference in this country. It is not okay to be racist. It is just not. It is almost acceptable to be sexist."

Regarding the "Iron My Shirt" signs seen at Clinton rallies, Ferraro says:

"Suppose somebody at that Barack Obama rally said 'Shine my shoes.' The person would have been swamped by the media saying, what, are you a racist? Hillary barely saw press on this. It is not only the Obama campaign. It is how the press has handled this."

If the political pundits on MSNBC and elsewhere mention sexism in the campaign at all, it's only to make derisive comments about Hillary - they belittle her and her candidacy. And by doing that they belittle her supporters and all women.

They're always talking about how there'll be an uprising at the convention, maybe even riots, if the superdelegates don't support Obama. Maybe it's time for women to start threatening an uprising of our own.

Keith Olbermann is the biggest ass on MSNBC. That's a title I used to give to Chris Matthews. But KO has done nothing but bash Hillary for months now. I used to love his show - I looked forward to it every night. I would even tape it if I wasn't home. Now, I only half listen to it if at all. I avoid the first 10 minutes because he usually devotes that time to slamming Hill and kissing Obama's ass.

His audience is made up primarily of liberals. Doesn't he realize he's alienating half his audience?

Okay, so we know Kennedy has a brain tumor. What's Olbermann's excuse? And what about the others?

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of them.

Looks better with clothes on

My Seattle 'fiend' requested a naked picture of Hugh Laurie from House. A little disappointing but not bad.

For anyone who's visiting my blog the first time, it's not all about celebrities.

It's just that real life sucks right now - my girl is getting bashed by people who're supposed to be her friends. My former boyfriend has revealed his true misogynistic nature. Everything costs too much and people are still dying in Iraq.

I watched Charlie Wilson's War last night. Better than I expected it to be. Interesting background on what led to 9/11.

Twist, lick, dunk

This didn't start out to be a post about food. It just turned out that way. Some quickies:

• Better than Sex: That's the name of a new dessert restaurant in Key West. Their menu includes Pop My Cherry Cheesecake and Pump-in Pie. And they wonder why Americans are fat.

• Newsweek has an article on 8 Forbidden Delicacies. Pop My Cherry Cheesecake isn't on the list. But maggot cheese is:

Casu marzu is a runny white cheese made by injecting Pecorino Sardo cheese with cheese-eating larvae. The cheese can pose various health hazards, such as an intestinal larval infection or even the risk of larvae jumping into your eye.

And who wants maggot in their eyes?

• The Oreo has landed. Did you know the British didn't have Oreo cookies until now? And it seems they don't particularly want them. When told by the advertisers to "twist, lick, dunk," one woman said, "A biscuit dipped in milk? Who does that?"

One newspaper complained that the Yanks are trying to "snatch the biscuit from our mouths and replace [it] with a tackier piece of inferior confectionary."

According to the article, Oreos are now the #1 selling cookie in China. So be on the lookout for chocolate stained grins worldwide.

Will you settle for Pierce Brosnan?

For my anonymous 'fiend' in Seattle. I'm still looking for Hugh Laurie naked. But you can see some murky pictures of Brosnan's piercer here.

Cheap and tawdry gossip

But isn't that the best kind? Whenever I'm depressed about other things, like the war or politics or my own self-pitied life, I start obsessing over celebrities.

Jennifer Aniston - whose only claim to fame is that she had a cute haircut in 1994 and oh yeah, she's the wife Brad dumped for Angelina - is dating John Mayer. The NY Daily News says she's "giddy" and "glowing," even though John has a well-established reputation as a womanizer.

People are trying to figure out what's got into her. Apparently, it's John's schlong. According to at least one ex, he's very well endowed. The ex says, "His body actually is a wonderland."

I know Jen's not that bright, she can't act and she's not even that pretty, but do people really believe a big dick is enough to make a girl giddy? Seriously?

It's not the dick, people. Have you ever watched this guy sing? Thick lips, tongue so big he can hardly keep it in his mouth - that's the stuff that'll make a woman glow.

Hillary love

GeekLove just posted a comment with links to a couple of videos she helped make. We've Come a Long Way, Baby is about Obama's failure to respond to the sexism in this campaign and his own sexist remarks.

Hillary Mad as Hell / Bitch is about sexism in the media. Very inspiring.

Hello, Seattle

I know you want him.

The Republicans want you to take a pill

Their new slogan is "The Change You Deserve," which is also the advertising slogan for Effexor. An antidepressant.

Yeah, we all need antidepressants after 8 years of Bush. But who's going to swallow this pill?

Maybe the members of the NRA. When Huckabee spoke at their convention today, he heard a loud noise offstage. He said:

"That was Barack Obama. He just tripped off a chair. He's getting ready to speak and somebody aimed a gun at him and he — he dove for the floor."

According to the AP, he didn't get many laughs. Is it possible even the gun lobby will turn on the good ol' boys this year?

Last night I dreamt of Robert Redford

I don't remember anything else but he was in the dream. The old Robert in his 70s, not the young stud in his 40s.

My perspective has changed since I started going gray. Nowadays I know - men don't even start getting sexy till they're 40.

Something pretty to look at

Angelina confirmed that she's having twins. She says she's due in August but Perez called bullshit on that. The picture, taken yesterday at Cannes, speaks for itself.

It's a an epidemic:

Julia Roberts, J Lo, Patrick Dempsey, Dennis Quaid, Nancy Grace, Marcia Cross, Marcia Gay Harden, Geena Davis, a Dixie Chick, and Melissa Etheridge are just some of the celebs who have twins.

And did you know Scarlett Johansson, Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Joseph Fiennes, Isabella Rossellini, Ashton Kutcher, Gisele Bundchen and Kiefer Sutherland were each born with a twin?

The penis museum

A guy in Colorado was convicted of animal cruelty after he killed a kitten by bashing its head into a bookcase. He got a deferred sentence but the judge ordered him to give up the other pets in his home. Except for one dog and one cat.

That's right - the guy beat a kitten to death but he gets no jail time and he's allowed to keep some animals in his home.

• As an aside, did you know killing kittens is a metaphor for masturbation? (Check out other Farkisms.)

• Another aside, the judge in the case is named David Archuleta, the same as one of the finalists in American Idol. I wonder if the judge's dad runs his life the way little David's dad does.

More quickies:

• Speaking of cuh-razy judges, Detroit Judge Judith Holtz told a 20 year old in her courtroom:

"I don't mean to be offensive, but you have two operating while intoxicated convictions, and then you blow a .223 and you're still not 21? ... Here is my suggestion to you, Mr. Dickey. Climb up on the roof of your house and jump off. Either that, or get in a bathtub filled with hot water and slash your wrists; then you will be dead. It will be cheaper, it will be faster and in the long run, it will be less painful to anybody who cares about you."

The abbreviated version of the story on Fox News had the headline, Judge Tells Underage Drinker to Commit Suicide. I was outraged until I googled for the rest of the story. I think the judge was trying to give the kid a wake up call. But I doubt it worked.

• A soccer coach / geology professor in Lincoln, NE, has been arrested for binding, blindfolding and gagging teenage boys then hanging him from the rafters of his garage. He also made them wear rubber gloves and hip waders. The boys could hear him masturbating.

• Update on Megan Meier, the 13 year old who committed suicide after she was taunted by a woman on MySpace: Although both lived in Missouri, 48 year old Lori Drew has been indicted in California, where MySpace is located, under a federal law that's normally used to prosecute hackers.

• Happy news: On Thursday, the California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi announced they're getting married. Not so happy news: The Republicans are sure to use this to get out the vote in November. McCain has something to run on.

• Next time you're in Iceland, be sure to visit the penis museum. The founder of the Icelandic Phallogical Museum began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject.

So far, they have penises from 90 species on display but only a plastic mold of a human penis. The American who provided the mold of his own penis nicknamed it Elmo. Four men, including Elmo's owner, have pledged to donate their penises after death. However:

[Museum founder] Hjartarson said the Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame.

But vanity may make him rethink the offer.

"He has mentioned lately that his penis is shrinking as he gets older and he is worried it might not make a proper exhibit."

No, tree penises are not included in the museum.

• For the record, this is my 29th blog entry that mentioned penises. And I managed to say it 11 times in this post. Not that I'm obsessed.

I didn't count how many times I've mentioned dicks, cocks or boners.

• Speaking of dicks, here's a fun website that shows how Bush is depicted in foreign advertisements. The first one is my favorite.

• The headline from Fark sums up my last quickie for tonight. Bush: Allowing Iran to obtain nuclear weapons is "unforgivable." Looks like someone is getting ready for a bombing.

Turn ons: Penises. That makes 12.
Turn offs: Hip waders

ICE, ICE, baby

ICE is the acronym for the Department of Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. They've been in charge of deportation in 2003.

This is the agency responsible for the medical neglect of detainees, including a man in California who had to have his penis amputated and later died from cancer.

On Sunday, 60 Minutes did a report about cases of medical neglect, including a Haitian refugee who was diagnosed as "faking" his illness before he died, and a Somalian woman who was given powerful anti-psychotic drugs after she had a panic attack.

Now, this from Washington Post:

The U.S. government has injected hundreds of foreigners it has deported with dangerous psychotropic drugs against their will to keep them sedated during the trip back to their home country ...

The government's forced use of antipsychotic drugs, in people who have no history of mental illness, includes dozens of cases in which the "pre-flight cocktail," as a document calls it, had such a potent effect that federal guards needed a wheelchair to move the slumped deportee onto an airplane ...

Involuntary chemical restraint of detainees, unless there is a medical justification, is a violation of some international human rights codes ...

Records show that the government has routinely ignored its own rules, which allow deportees to be sedated only if they have a mental illness requiring the drugs, or if they are so aggressive that they imperil themselves or people around them.

Internal government records show that most sedated deportees ... received a cocktail of three drugs that included Haldol, ... a medication normally used to treat schizophrenia and other acute psychotic states. Of the 53 deportees without a mental illness who were drugged in 2007, ... 50 were injected with Haldol, sometimes in large amounts ...

They were also given Ativan, used to control anxiety, and all but three were given Cogentin, a medication that is supposed to lessen Haldol's side effects of muscle spasms and rigidity ...

Haldol gained notoriety in the Soviet Union, where it was often given to political dissidents imprisoned in psychiatric hospitals.

Tom Cruise and his Scientology friends might have a point about the abuses of psychiatry and psychiatric drugs.

This week, ICE pulled off the biggest immigration raid ever in US history, arresting nearly 400 workers at a kosher meat processing plant in Iowa. They're being held at the National Cattle Congress Fairgrounds in Waterloo. Which seems appropriate since they're being treated like cattle.

Bros before hoes

Marie Cocco wrote a piece for Washington Post about the misogyny that has been so much a part of this campaign, including t-shirts like the one at the left, the Hillary nutcracker, and the anti-Hill group with the acronym CUNT. Cocco says:

I will not miss the deafening, depressing silence of Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean or other leading Democrats, who to my knowledge ... haven't publicly uttered a word of outrage at the unrelenting, sex-based hate that has been hurled at a former first lady and two-term senator from New York. Among those holding their tongues are hundreds of Democrats for whom Clinton has campaigned and raised millions of dollars ...

Would the silence prevail if Obama's likeness were put on a tap-dancing doll that was sold at airports? Would the media figures who dole out precious face time to these politicians be such pals if they'd compared Obama with a character in a blaxploitation film? And how would crude references to Obama's sex organs play?

... for all Clinton's political blemishes, the darker stain that has been exposed is the hatred of women that is accepted as a part of our culture.

Context is everything

See You Again

I've got my sight set on you and I'm ready to aim,
I have a heart that will never be tamed,
I knew you were something special
when you spoke my name,
Now, I can't wait to see you again...

I've got a way of knowing
when something is right
I feel like I must have known you
in another life,
Cause I felt this deep connection
when you looked in my eyes,
And I can't wait to see you again ...

Those are lyrics from the current Miley Cyrus hit. Read the post below for the context. As Simon Cowell would say, What a naughty little minx.

Who's handling Miley?

And yes, pun intended. It seems like the girl just can't help being sexy, even for a milk ad. Here's what Perez said:

No, you're not the only one staring at her crotch.

Miley Cyrus is the new face of the Got Milk campaign.

Let the inappropriate jokes about creamy substances on her lip ensue!

Miley, Miley, Miley, you're only 15. Don't you know we want to see you in pigtails and Mary Janes, hugging your teddy bear? And keep your legs crossed for Christ's sake.

That way only the pedos will drool over you, and normal guys won't be flogging themselves.

Beam him up

From Page Six:

WOMEN who slept with William Shatner sometimes had an out-of-this-world fantasy - they'd pretend they were being beamed up to ecstasy by the commander of the Starship Enterprise. The "Star Trek" legend tells Page Six his partners would dramatically gasp, "So, this is what it's like to be in bed with Captain Kirk!" Shatner - whose autobiography, "Up Till Now," hits stores today - laughed, "You can't imagine how much of a downer that is in every sense of the word."

A not-so-radical feminist on Hillary

From gossip columnist Liz Smith:

Tina [Brown] says no matter whom the Democratic nominee is, she'll continue her book about the senator from New York. "She's the story of all time, a story for our time," said Tina, who, along with me - a Hillary supporter - thinks the way gender has been used against the candidate is a shocking disgrace.

So, let's see, why should the senator stay in the race for a while longer? Because some states haven't voted yet. And, if Hillary wins West Virginia and Kentucky, which she well may, it will allow her to step out on a rise. The senator's strong showing, though not so strong as Obama's, will give her lots of leverage for the future - to accept or turn down a VP bid, to get her debts paid by the Democratic Party, to strengthen her position as the best-known senator in the nation under a Democratic president and to be able to step in if Obama falters.

Many women, who fear this will be the last chance in their lifetimes to vote for a female for president, understand why she is staying. She has got guts. You gotta hand it to her!

OK, OK. Let the Matthews/Olbermann/Russert/Carlson/Alter fallout begin. I don't mind it. I find these sexist guys quite funny. Desperate, really.

On the bright side

At least my hands don't look like that.

Sarah Jessica Parker's looking a little veiny.

A few quickies

When I was writing my last post, I had to look up the name of the tooth that's giving me the most problems. I found a website with a dental chart that associates each tooth with certain emotions.

According to them, my tooth that has the biggest hole in it is associated with antagonism, emotional conflict, and lack of self-love.

Bingo.

I know it's total bunk but it was interesting.

A few quickies:

• Assault with a deadly chocolate: A guy in Des Moines got arrested for throwing M&Ms at a cop.

• A guy in New York is suing Jet Blue Airways because they made him sit on the toilet for 3 hours during a flight:

Gokhan Mutlu ... says in court papers the pilot told him to "go 'hang out' in the bathroom" about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the "jump seat" she was assigned was uncomfortable, the lawsuit said.

He was flying on a free pass. Like my dad always said, beggars can't be choosers.

• Cracked has an article called The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics. They included one I've never heard before: You Accidentally Swallow About 8 Spiders a Year. What a relief that's not true.

Suicide by chocolate

Last night when I was almost asleep, there was a loud crash in my living room. I thought someone had broken into my apartment, and I lay there with my heart pounding, too terrified to move.

What calmed me down was when I heard Girl Cat breathing behind me. She would've been hiding if someone was there.

Usually I blame those noises on the cats but I couldn't think of anything they could've done that would make that sound. This morning I discovered one of them had knocked over a big shelf I had leaning against a table. But tonight my door is barricaded.

I was a mess even before that happened. I've been on a crying jag the last few days, my skin is crawling with anxiety, and I'm a lot more paranoid than normal, which is always a danger sign.

My thoughts have been racing so I decided to make a list of things that are bothering me. Lists help me calm down. Here goes:

1. My teeth are rotting. Too many cavities to count. I can't chew on the left side without a lot of pain. One of my molars has a big hole and I'm afraid it'll break if I bite down on something.

2. I don't have enough money to pay for a dentist myself and I can't find one who'll accept Medicaid.

3. Lamictal is the only med I've found that helps with my bipolar symptoms but it costs $265 a month. Right now, Medicare Part D is paying for it, but I will use up my total annual allowance for meds by September. Most of the drugs I need are generic so I might be able to scrape up the money for them. But I won't be able to get Lamictal or the birth control pill I take to treat PCOS. I have very heavy bleeding and my moods are even more unpredictable without the pill.

4. My urges to cut myself are stronger than ever. The one thing that keeps me from doing it is that nobody would notice anyway. Part of my motivation for cutting was because it was the only way I could get people to see how much pain I was in. But then I would hide it because I was afraid I'd get locked up if anybody found out.

5. I'm afraid I'll get locked up if I tell my therapist how intense my suicide thoughts have been lately.

6. People - my therapist, well meaning friends - keep telling me how well I'm doing. Yes, I am doing better than I was 6 months ago, or a year ago. But none of them understood how far down I was then and they have no clue how far down I am now. "Well" is relative.

7. I wanted to use my stimulus check to start a savings account. Then I found out the interest is only 0.05%. Way below the inflation rate. I'd actually be losing money.

8. When I mentioned that to a friend, she said I could get a better rate on a CD and it only takes $1000 for that. It would take me 2 years to save $1000. And if I actually managed to save that much, I would no longer be eligible for medical and housing assistance because they'd say I have too much money.

9. It makes me feel angry and isolated that even the few close friends I've tried to talk to about money problems don't understand.

10. People look down on me because I don't have a job. They think I'm lazy, immoral, and that I have a sense of entitlement. In the words of Dr. Phil, I'm a moocher.

11. I look down on myself because I don't have a job.

12. It's been 30 years since I graduated from high school. I had so many hopes and dreams. I never imagined I'd end up like this. I'm angry and ashamed. I want a do over.

13. The last time I told someone I was too sick to go out with her, she asked what was wrong. I said I was having paranoia and panic attacks. She said, "Oh that. I thought you had the flu or something." As if I wasn't really sick. People don't see bipolar disorder as a sickness; people who haven't been here have no concept of how debilitating it can be.

14. I feel trapped by my illness, my economic circumstances, and isolation. I can't talk to anyone about it and if I try, my friends get very quiet and change the subject.

15. I feel like I'm being judged all the time, by everyone. I'm not good enough and I never have been.

16. I was never cute. I can't remember anybody ever telling me I was cute or pretty or even nice. When I was little everybody told me I looked like my aunt Janis. She wasn't even 5 feet tall and weighed more than 200 pounds. I wasn't that fat when they were telling me that but I am now. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies.

17. I had a dream about my former psychiatrist. In the dream, he kept hanging on to me - he had his arms wrapped around me - and I told him he had to let me go. When I woke up, I realized I was telling myself that I have to let him go. But I also know that I should have stopped seeing him many years ago - he wasn't helping me but he wouldn't let me go. Even right up until the end. I knew he was retiring but he wasn't specific about when. The last day I saw him, I didn't know it was going to be the last day until 10 minutes before session ended.

18. He wanted me to write him a letter after he left. It's been a year and a half and I haven't done it yet. I know he would never answer it. Why should I let him hear from me when I don't get to hear from him?

20. My clothes don't fit - most of what I wear is hand-me-downs from my mother. They were cheap and ugly to begin with and they're old and worn out now. If I wanted to spend my stimulus check on new clothes, I wouldn't be able to find anything that fits.

21. I'm too ashamed to leave my apartment most days.

22. I've been trying to be more disciplined about sleeping - going to bed by 1:00 or 2:00, getting up at 9:00 every morning. But tonight I don't want to go to bed. When I go to bed, I lay there crying and ruminating and the urges to hurt myself get stronger.

23. The psych nurse practitioner gave me sleeping pills but one of the possible side effects is doing weird things in your sleep, like driving. I'm afraid to take it because I don't know how it'll affect me.

24. I can't stop eating compulsively. It's been much worse than usual. All I want are carbs and I'm eating chocolate like crazy. I'm a month overdue for my 6 month checkup because I know my blood sugar test is going to be bad.

25. My doctor always tells me to go to Weight Watchers. That's $10 a week I don't have. And yeah, I know somebody reading this is thinking "Well, if you stopped spending all that money on food, you could afford Weight Watchers." But healthy food costs more than the junk I binge on.

26. The only place I enjoy going is writer's group and tonight while I was there, all I could think about was killing myself. It's the only way I can think of to get people to understand how bad I feel.

27. I'm not going to kill myself. At least not tonight. Not this week, probably not this month. But eventually. It's the only way out.

Quote of the Day

nobody likes me
everybody hates me
think i'll just eat worms

Why Hillary's still running

Hillary looks a little shocked after catching a glimpse of Natalie Portman's headlights.

Hillary loaned herself $11 million to keep her campaign going. Under the campaign reform law McCain sponsored 6 years ago, if she drops out of the race, she's not allowed to continue raising money to pay herself back.

So there you have it. It's McCain's fault.

Here's the twist - Obama would be allowed to raise money for her though, and he's considering that option as an incentive for her to concede.

One of the guests on Countdown tried explaining that last week but my now former boyfriend poo-pooed it. I've stopped paying much attention to Countdown - if I turn it on at all - because I got tired of the way they've been gangbanging Hill. Since January, they've done nothing but attack her and drool all over Obama.

What are the conservatives saying? A blogger from New Republic describes Obama as "effete" and says:

"During the last two months, Obama has faltered as a candidate. He has seen his political base narrow rather than widen, and some of his strengths turn into weaknesses. Of course, he has had to deal with the scandal surrounding Reverend Jeremiah Wright, but even so, he needs to remedy certain flaws in his political approach if he wants to defeat McCain in the fall."

Another, from Power Line, says:

One can usually predict the outcome of the general election, and come pretty close on the margin, by considering just a few variables: how the economy is doing, whether we're at war and how popular the war is, which party holds the White House and how long it has held it, and how popular the president is.

This year, these 'fundamentals' point to a Democratic victory of at least 10 percentage points.

Weighing against this outcome is, first, the fact that McCain is a better than average nominee in terms of electability. For one thing, he does not have a close association with the unpopular president. In addition, his appeal to independent and centrist voters is well known. Second, Obama may well prove a worse than average nominee. He lacks anything like the experience voters look for in a president, and he's an extremist as presidential nominees go, a perception that now is reinforced by some of his unusual associations.

But he concludes that Obama will likely win. And I'll likely vote for him. Gritting my teeth. Not because I dislike Obama but because I'm so pissed off at the way the press has treated Hillary.

Turn ons: Natalie's boobies (and I'm not usually turned on by such things)
Turn offs: Keith Olbermann and his boys' club

I have nothing better to talk about today

So here goes:

• Tom Cruise has lost one of his disciples. Australian billionaire James Packer, who was recruited by TC, left the "religion" because he doesn't need it anymore. He's building a casino empire and Scientologists disapprove of gambling.

• The boy wonder, American Idol contestant David Archuleta, pissed off producers this week when he incorporated lines from "Beautiful Girls" into his interpretation of "Stand by Me." After he had been ordered not to because it creates problems with the music publishers.

Apparently, it was his father's idea and dear old dad has now been banned from being backstage or attending rehearsals. DOD was also banned from Star Search when David was on that a few years ago.

David Cook is my favorite contestant this year - he gives off that whole Daughtry vibe. But geeze, the guy has a big forehead!

Simon still turns me on. Sorry.

Not the Kokomo the Beach Boys sang about

This one will make your heart hurt.

Over a period of several months, a 4 year old boy & girl in Kokomo, Indiana, were bound with zip ties, locked in a closet, sometimes suspended by their wrists, beaten with wooden spoons, and otherwise tortured by their mothers and another couple.

The police investigator said he's seen worse but those victims were in the morgue. (See the video.)

A few quickies:

• You flee Cuba because of police oppression and relocate to Florida. Then one day you're leaving for work and a bunch of DEA goons drive up and jump out, throw you down on the ground and cuff you, then kick down the door to your house and rifle through your house.

Then they realize they're at the wrong address. Try explaining that to the neighbors.

• Three high school boys in Sweden have invented underwear with a pocket for condoms. They're working on panties now.

• The governor of Nevada is suing for the right to live in the governor's mansion. He moved out and filed for divorce and now his soon-to-be ex won't let him back in.

• If you're cheating on your husband and he catches you in the act, it's probably not a good idea to claim you're being raped. He might kill the guy and you might go to jail for manslaughter.

• If you're going to rob someone, it's probably not a good idea to pose for pictures with them before you do it.

• This is why your mother told you to chew before you swallow: A hawk in California died when the sparrow he ate clawed through his chest.

• Time has an article about the 5 mistakes that cost Hillary the nomination. It's right on target.

Baba Wawa

Barbara Walters has been all over TV the last few days to promote her new autobiography. And Star Jones is still a bitch. One of the things BW talked about was Star's dishonesty about her gastric bypass surgery. Star responded:

"It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair,
and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book ... It speaks to her true character."

Meow.

Now some quickies:

• If you ever get frustrated by bureaucracy, you might enjoy reading this British architect's response to red tape at his local development council.

• If your car sounds a little growlier than usual, be careful when you open the hood. A guy in California found a pit bull in his engine.

• Disgusting things people do on planes: The first line of the article:

You'll never look at, or reach into, an airline seat-back pocket the same after reading this.

• Disgusting things people do in pastures: A cop in New Jersey is being prosecuted for receiving oral sex from a cow.

I don't make this shit up.

Not as sexy as the carrots ...

But much nicer to look at, yes? Julia Roberts and George Clooney in New York this week. They make me smile.

I haven't been smiling much lately. Last week I felt pretty good - lots of energy, working on all kinds of projects, keeping my apartment clean, revamping my flea market booth. For the first time in years, I got caught up on all my laundry.

This week, all I want to do is play Pogo - stupid, repetitive games like Poppit and Stack 'Em. The dishes are piling up.

The projects I started are cluttering my apartment and my brain. The cross stitch I was working on has been abandoned - I don't like the way it looks and decided it's not worth my time. But I can't bring myself to throw it away.

My bedroom was painted last Wednesday and the stuff that belongs in there is still sitting in my dining room. I brought home a huge book shelf from the flea market and right now it's on its side in my living room. I'm going to paint it but I have to sand it first. I worked on it for awhile on Monday and since then, it's just been sitting there. I can't put away the stuff from my bedroom until I finish the shelf because it's going to house my ceramic cat collection.

This afternoon, I have an appointment with my therapist but I'm not looking forward to it. The last session 2 weeks ago didn't end well. She wants to fix me. I can't be fixed. All I need from her is to listen because I don't have anyone else I can talk to - people would freak out if I told them it's all I can do to keep from slicing my wrists open every night.

The problem is she freaks out too. So I have to minimize everything - give her the "right" answers instead of telling her how I really feel. Defeats the purpose of going to see her.

My now-dead (to me) psychiatrist understood that when I could talk about the suicide thoughts and self-destructive urges, they went away. This chick doesn't get that. She always tells me how great I'm doing because I'm not cutting myself. Which makes me feel like I have to cut myself to prove how bad I feel.

Every time I see her, I come away wanting to hurt myself more. I told her that last time and it really shook her up. I don't know what's going to happen today.

Turn ons: broken glass
Turn offs: people who don't listen

A little wonderful, a lot of weird

Officials estimate that 280,000 people a year commit suicide in China, twice as many as in the U.S. In the last 40 years, more than 1000 people have killed themselves by jumping off the Nanking bridge.

But there's a guy named Chen Si who patrols the bridge every weekend to try to talk people out of jumping. So far, he's saved 144 lives. He started because he felt guilty after an elderly neighbor starved himself to death. Chen says:

"In a time of crisis, all people really need is one person willing to lend a hand ... It could make the difference between life and death."

Some quickies:

• Would you let a guy suck your toes for $1000? What if he was a cop? He probably wouldn't be in trouble if he the girls hadn't been underage.

• For some strange reason, people in the UK are objecting to American security procedures at airport checkpoints. (See "Your daily dose of paranoia.") TSA officials are allowed to copy photos, emails and any other personal info stored in laptops or cell phones. A Brit travel agents group says:

"It's another ratcheting up of Fortress America. It's certainly not a good thing for passengers - it is rather Big Brother."

• Speaking of Big Brother, reason #451 why I don't want OnStar or a cell phone: Carriers will give your location to the police without a warrant.

• An actor in Scotland had a heart attack onstage - at the same time the character he was playing was supposed to die of a heart attack. Lucky for him, real life doesn't imitate art - he survived.

• No wizardry allowed: A substitute teacher in Florida was fired after he performed a magic trick for his class. No, it didn't involve his penis. He made a toothpick disappear and reappear again. His supervisor said he wouldn't be given any more assignments because he'd been accused of "wizardry."

Some muggle's been reading too much Harry Potter.

• By the way, if you're a Wiccan, a pagan or you're into BDSM (wizards probably fall within one of those categories), don't bother applying for a chauffeur's license in Vancouver. Not yours. The cops are afraid you might try to recruit your passengers to join your cult.

• It's no surprise to anyone who's lost a family member that medical bills keep showing up months later. What surprised this guy was that the hospital was billing him for a procedure they claim they did 4 months after his wife died.

Their explanation was priceless. The hospital said that:

... it couldn't make an adjustment when it first learned something was amiss because there was no official policy in place to allow a write-off of his bill. The policy only had them keep pursuing collection from the estate of the deceased -- the bills were addressed to "estate of Melanie Smailus" -- and there was no way for any of the employees in the billing department who handled the case to start a process to fix the issue ...

Oh, bureaucracy.

• Don't tase me, bro. But if you do tase me, and I happen to die, when you write up your report, remember that I didn't die of tasing. It was "excited delirium." The UN may think tasers are torture devices, but the Taser International is suing medical examiners who list stun guns as a cause of death. And they're winning.

• Check out this slideshow of celebrity plastic surgery before and after.

• The carrots are relevant to nothing. I just like them.