On second thought, I want to leave my apartment

I just got another stupid letter from my landlord and/or his manager. It was taped to my door, two pages, typed single space, all caps. He mentioned "femanine hygiene."

I'm not sure what a 'femanine' is. Is it a gun, like a Glock 19? Or a FEMA policy? If he's talking about tampons - I already know enough not to flush them.

The best paragraph:

I DON'T WANT THIS LETTER TO SEEM LIKE A LECTURE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL "ADULTS" HERE, HOWEVER I HAVE TO MAKE A BUILDING WIDE NOTIFICATION SO EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS A FEW THINGS.

That came after more than a page of lecturing. Note where he put the quotation marks.

The letter was a long list of grievances about tenants. I am not guilty of a single thing he's complaining about. Some of them can easily be traced to individual tenants - such as paying rent late. Why not deliver a letter to those people and leave the rest of us out of it? Why should I have to hear about it?

The craziest thing he wrote - he even bolded some of the text:

10:00 P.M. IS CONSIDERED "QUIET TIME" ... THIS IS ANOTHER "COMMON SENSE" KIND OF THING. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO BE RESPECTFUL OF THEIR NEIGHBORS. NOISES OF ANY KIND ARE ACTUALLY HEARD QUITE EASILY IN OUR BUILDING. PLEASE BE AWARE OF YOUR SOUND LEVELS ... MUSIC, TV, VOICES, EVEN FOOTSTEPS.

WTF? I'm not supposed to walk around my apartment after ten?

The floors are squeaky. How is that a tenant's fault? One of the reasons I live on the top floor is so I don't have to hear people walking above me. Anyone with any sense considers things like that before they rent an apartment.

And yes, you should have to tell people to keep the noise down - that's your job. But talk to the individuals involved instead of bothering everyone. Letters like this don't fix anything. The people who are making all the noise don't give a shit. They're usually the same ones who don't pay the rent. I know because I see the past due rent notices taped to their doors - it's always the assholes who get into screaming matches at 3 a.m. and/or have parties every night. Most of them move out right before they get evicted.

The current owner bought this place about 2.5 years ago and we get these letters at least every other month. The single thing that aggravates me most is when he brags about how much money he's spent and everything he's done for us. He hasn't done one fucking thing for me, other than minor repairs, like a leaky faucet and cracks in my ceiling. But my requests for those repairs were ignored. He only did them when they were ordered by the city after my annual inspection. Even then, the inspector had to come back a second and third time because dear landlord hadn't even started the repairs by the first deadline.

Just once, it would be nice if he wrote a letter thanking the tenants who do pay their rent on time and don't cause problems.

I love this neighborhood, I love that I can have my cats here. One of the former managers (he's hired and fired at least six of them in 2 years) told me he bought the place to flip it. The previous owner had it on the market for a few years before he died, and apparently this guy got it for a steal because the family wanted to unload it. I keep hoping he'll sell. But the fact that at least 10 apartments out of 45 are unoccupied - and the occupants of others don't pay rent - makes it unlikely he'll be selling anytime soon.

God, I hate the thought of moving. I have 20 years of accumulated stuff. There's no guarantee the next place will be better because you never really know what it's like until you live there.

With my luck, this asshole would buy the next building I move into.