Maybe it's Nicole's fault

I snagged this picture of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban off perezhilton.com. Isn't he starting to look a lot like Tom Cruise?

Maybe Nicole's the one who turned TC into a freak. Maybe she's doing that to Keith now.

Nah, I don't think so.

Keith needs more highlights. And he looks better barefoot.

If only gay sex caused global warming

I borrowed the title from an op-ed piece in the LA Times. Excerpts:

NO ONE seems to care about the upcoming attack on the World Trade Center site. Why? Because it won't involve villains with box cutters. Instead, it will involve melting ice sheets that swell the oceans and turn that particular block of lower Manhattan into an aquarium.

The odds of this happening in the next few decades are better than the odds that a disgruntled Saudi will sneak onto an airplane and detonate a shoe bomb. And yet our government will spend billions of dollars this year to prevent global terrorism and … well, essentially nothing to prevent global warming.

Why are we less worried about the more likely disaster? Because the human brain evolved to respond to threats that have four features — features that terrorism has and that global warming lacks.

First, global warming lacks a mustache. No, really. We are social mammals whose brains are highly specialized for thinking about others ...

The second reason why global warming doesn't put our brains on orange alert is that it doesn't violate our moral sensibilities ...

The third reason why global warming doesn't trigger our concern is that we see it as a threat to our futures — not our afternoons ...

There is a fourth reason why we just can't seem to get worked up about global warming. The human brain is exquisitely sensitive to changes in light, sound, temperature, pressure, size, weight and just about everything else. But if the rate of change is slow enough, the change will go undetected ...

The whole piece is worth a read.

Goodbye, Larry

Actor Calvert DeForest, aka Larry "Bud" Melman, died on Monday. He was 85.

It's a sign how old I'm getting when so many icons from my 20s are passing.

Noodling, not a sport for sissies

A few weeks ago, we were talking about this in my writers' group. I can't remember whose story it was, but I thought this was interesting, Missouri: Noodlers decry plan to end hand-fishing experiment.

An excerpt:

“They’re catching too many, so we can’t catch any,” said Howard Ramsey, of Paris, Mo., president of Noodlers Anonymous, in a reference to Missourians who prefer to keep their hands outside the water when fishing.

Noodlers use their bare hands to poke around underwater caves and crevices for fish with sharp teeth that can weigh up to 100 pounds. As often as not, they come up with a handful of snakes, beavers or snapping turtles by mistake.

The way Ramsey sees it, “If you don’t come up bloody, you ain’t hand fishing.”

This is from The Economist:

Noodling for catfish is a little akin to “tickling” salmon in Scottish burns, but a lot messier. The catfish noodler, empty-handed and stripped to the waist, wades along riverbank hollows, rooting underwater with his hands. Finding a hole in the muck, he wiggles his fingers inside it, where they sometimes tempt the snapping jaws of a whiskered catfish, defending its brood. (Some suppose “noodlers” are named after this finger-waggling; others, many of them with scarred hands, admit it is slang for “idiot”.) Then the fight is on: a good catfish noodler forces both hands down the fish's maw, wraps his legs around its tail and heaves the beast, which can weigh 50lbs, to the surface. Bloody but proud he stands, more Greek wrestler than aloof fly-fisherman.

These are primeval monsters, not the little bullheads my dad caught at Lake View and Storm Lake when I was a kid. And to think, I was too big a weenie to stick my finger in their mouths!

It's contagious?

Elton John is doing a concert in Tobago next month, but the archdeacon of Trinidad and Tobago wants him banned. The archidiot said,

"His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle."

Will somebody please explain it to this guy that music will not make you gay. A fat old man sitting at a piano is not going to inspire a straight guy to give a BJ.

Even if Elton trotted out some of his old costumes, he is not going to corrupt the youth. Hell, most of the people at his concerts are over 40.


In honor of the misguided archdeacon, the lyrics to one of my favorite Elton songs:

Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me

I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

Turn ons: "Rocket Man"
Turn offs: Ignorance & hatred cloaked in religion

Do you think they're related?

Poor kid. Little Barron Trump already has his father's pout. Not to mention the hair.

A guy that rich can afford designer sperm. Why would he want to pass that face on to another unfortunate soul?

I am a lonely soul

From the NY Post:

The note was paper-clipped to the neck of Delp's shirt when police found his body at his Atkinson home, on the bathroom floor, his head on a pillow. He had sealed himself inside with two charcoal grills; toxicology tests showed he had committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.

"Mr. Brad Delp. J'ai une ame solitaire. I am a lonely soul," the note read.

Delp was the lead singer for Boston in the 1970s and slated to go on tour with them this summer. He was also supposed to get married this summer.

His fiancee, Pamela Sullivan, called police March 9 after noticing a dryer vent tube connected to the exhaust pipe of Delp's car. In the garage, police found a note taped to the door leading into the house.

"To whoever finds this I have hopefully committed suicide. Plan B was to asphyxiate myself in my car."

In another note on a door at the top of the stairs, Delp cautioned that there was carbon monoxide inside.

"I take complete and sole responsibility for my present situation. I have lost my desire to live," he wrote. The note also included instructions on how to contact his fiancee: "Unfortunately she is totally unaware of what I have done."

It's obvious that he planned this carefully and worked out all the details. I didn't know the guy, I wasn't even a fan, but I *know* him. I understand where he was and why he chose a way out.

Continuing on a sad theme, Comedian Richard Jeni shot himself in the face on March 1o:

... Jeni's family reveals the comic was not, as reported, depressed after a series of professional disappointments, insisting he "had just enjoyed one of his most financially rewarding years to date."

The statement reads, "The past few years had been more prolific than ever. As his agents can attest, prior to his illness, Richard only missed one engagement in over 20 [years], and that was due to weather.

"The truth is earlier this year Richard Jeni was diagnosed with severe clinical depression coupled with bouts of psychotic paranoia.

"One only needs to have a family member or friend with a mental illness to understand that there is nothing rational, predictable, or fair about these diseases... He was not down or blue, he was ill."

Turn ons: people who listen without giving advice
Turn offs: people who say "cheer up"

Just because

I can't stop staring at him.

Glad I don't live in China

... where they send internet addicts to boot camp:

The government-funded Daxing center, run by an army colonel under the Beijing Military Hospital, is one of a handful of clinics treating patients with Internet addictions in China.

Patients, overwhelmingly male and aged 14 to 19, wake up in common dormitories at 6.15 a.m. to do morning calisthenics and march on the cracked concrete grounds wearing khaki fatigues.

Drill sergeants bark orders at them when they are not attending group and one-on-one counseling sessions. Therapy includes patients simulating war games with laser guns.

The IATC's tough love approach to breaking Internet addiction is unique to China, but necessary in a country with over two million teenage Internet addicts, according to facility staff.

"Many of the Internet addicts here have rarely considered other peoples' feelings. The military training allows them to feel what it's like to be a part of a team," said Xu Leiting, a psychologist at the hospital. "It also helps their bodies recover and makes them stronger."

Hmm. The people who spend the most time on the internet, the ones who might be most likely to hack the system and gain access to all the news and information that the Chinese government forbids, get sent to boot camp to be re-educated and:

The rising tide of Internet-addicted youth has prompted the government to ban new Internet cafes in 2007, which are seen in China as breeding grounds for social delinquency.

No. Doesn't sound like a communist conspiracy to me. Not at all.

Turn ons: Freedom of thought
Turn offs: Morning calisthenics *shudder*

They've got the right idea

Mayan priests in Guatemala plan to cleanse a sacred archaeological site after Bush visits next week.

"That a person like (Bush), with the persecution of our migrant brothers in the United States, with the wars he has provoked, is going to walk in our sacred lands, is an offense for the Mayan people and their culture," Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan nongovernmental organization with close ties to Mayan religious and political leaders, said Thursday.

Bush's trip is inspiring protests elsewhere in Latin America. Ironic, since the trip is meant to counteract Venezuelan president Chavez, who calls the monkey king "history's greatest killer" and the "devil."

Also in the news: Newt Gingrich admitted that he was having an extramarital affair when he was leading the charge against Clinton during Monica-gate. No hypocrisy there. And yes, he is planning to run for president.

The picture? No logical reason for posting it here. Saw it on fark.com and couldn't stop laughing.

Ever get a black eye from an elephant's penis?

One of my friends has written a series of stories about bad jobs but none of her characters ever had to deal with this:

MASTURBATING an elephant in the cause of science isn’t an easy job – just ask wildlife expert Dr Thomas Hildebrandt.

Just touching a jumbo penis – they measure more than 1.5metres when aroused – can have painful consequences as German scientist Dr Hildebrandt reveals.

He said: “One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis.

“When you touch an elephant there it starts to flick backwards and forwards and it’s so strong it can knock you off your feet. It’s such a strong movement.”

... It’s a messy business as he massages Jackson’s prostate gland to produce 300ml of semen per orgasm – the equivalent of a can of Coke – which has to be airlifted in giant condoms across America to Christy.

Artificially inseminating an elephant is just as messy – while a catheter is inserted into the cervix, the hapless scientist faces being pooed on ...

Sort of a related topic: Did you know they make sex toys in the shape of various animal penises? Check out the website.

By the way, the picture? Kangaroo penis dildo. It's only $30 and also available in glow green, metallic purple and bronze.

Turn ons: boinking like bunnies http://www.zoofur.com/bunny.html

Turn offs: rocking like raccons http://www.zoofur.com/coony.html

Wash Me

This is so cool. Scott Wade, a graphics designer in San Marcos, TX, recreates works of art in the dust on the back window of his Mini Cooper. His brush? The frayed end of a popsicle stick.

That's one of his creations on the left. Besides the Mona Lisa, he's also done van Gogh's "Starry Night," Boticelli's "The Birth of Venus," a picture of his dog that died, and "The Last Supper." From citynews.ca:

"I've always drawn pictures on dirty windows," the artist explains. "It wasn't a conscious decision to develop a new art form. It was just looking for art in everything."

Each one takes only about half an hour to create and the results can be astonishing.

He's made about 50 of them so far, and never washes them off, allowing time, nature and the occasional rain storm to do that for him. He takes pictures of every one of them and claims he's never upset when they're gone, calling that the transitory nature of his muse.

Besides, like an Etch-a-Sketch, it simply clears the way for his next creation.

"Since it's temporary it doesn't have to be perfect," Wade points out. "You don't have to belabour it."

You can see more of his work here.

Don't Ask Don't Tell, part 2

Polar bears are endangered because of global warming. The Bush administration's solution? Don't talk about it. This is from the NY Times:

Internal memorandums circulated in the Alaskan division of the Federal Fish and Wildlife Service appear to require government biologists or other employees traveling in countries around the Arctic not to discuss climate change, polar bears or sea ice if they are not designated to do so ...

Over the past week, biologists and wildlife officials received a cover note and two sample memorandums to be used as a guide in preparing travel requests. Under the heading “Foreign Travel — New Requirement — Please Review and Comply, Importance: High,” the cover note said:

“Please be advised that all foreign travel requests (SF 1175 requests) and any future travel requests involving or potentially involving climate change, sea ice and/or polar bears will also require a memorandum from the regional director to the director indicating who’ll be the official spokesman on the trip and the one responding to questions on these issues, particularly polar bears.”

The sample memorandums, described as to be used in writing travel requests, indicate that the employee seeking permission to travel “understands the administration’s position on climate change, polar bears, and sea ice and will not be speaking on or responding to these issues.”

Electronic copies of the memorandums and cover note were forwarded to The New York Times by Deborah Williams, an environmental campaigner in Alaska and a former Interior Department official in the Clinton administration.

“This sure sounds like a Soviet-style directive to me,” Ms. Williams said ...

Limits on government scientists’ freedom to speak freely about climate change became a heated issue last year after news reports said that political appointees at Nasa had canceled journalists’ interview requests with climate scientists and discouraged news releases on global warming.

The Raisinets King

One of my best friends sells concessions at a movie theater. In a recent nationwide contest, he personally sold more Raisinets than the combined total for three of the theaters. Not sure whether or not he sang his Raisinets song for all his customers but he sang it for me. And yeah, I want some!

If they ever make the movie of my life, the Raisinets king will be played by Crispin Glover.

Turn ons: Brachs chocolate covered raisins - way better than Raisinets
Turn offs: can't think - need chocolate

Snow angels are for sissies

North Dakota and Michigan can duke it out over snow angels. Did you know that you can go mountain climbing in Iowa?

CEDAR FALLS, Iowa Mountain climbers who live amid the prairies and farm fields have found a way to practice despite the lack of rocky peaks: Scaling grain silos that have been coated in ice.

Don Briggs sprays the silos with water during the winter, turning them into glistening towers of ice that draw hundreds of climbers from across the Midwest, as well as China, Canada and Alaska.

"When we first started doing this, everyone in the county thought I was crazy," said Briggs, a physical education teacher at the University of Northern Iowa, who came up with the idea after noticing that silos are the tallest structures to be found across much of Iowa's agricultural landscape.

Briggs, 57, began the project several years ago on a farm owned by a friend. Each winter, he hoists hundreds of feet of garden hose to the top of four empty grain bins, supplying water that cascades down the silos.

It eventually freezes into a craggy sheet resembling a 70-foot frozen waterfall. The ice is up to four feet thick and constantly changes shape as it melts and refreezes. Briggs can also replenish the ice by pouring another layer of water over the silo on a cold night.

Briggs converted one of the farm's outbuildings into an equipment shed, and a cattle barn became the climbers' lounge. The university contributed $10,000 to buy ropes, helmets, hand axes and boots.

Who says nothing ever happens in North Dakota?

This weekend, more than 8900 people gathered to set a new Guinness world record for making snow angels:

Mel Schlittenhardt of Bismarck brought her three children, including her 5-month-old daughter. The infant even made a snow angel by being spun around in her car seat. "I think this is a great opportunity to show kids how fun the winter can be in North Dakota," Schlittenhardt said.

Edna Arvidson, 84, of Bismarck, said she participated in the city's record-setting event in 2002.

"It's fun and puts us on the map," Arvidson said. "People think there's nothing going on up here."

In less angelic news, Rev. Ted Haggard may have been cured of homosexuality, but where's the cure for the 44 employees his former church just laid off as a result of the scandal caused by his dalliance with a masseur?

PC World has named the 50 most important people on the internet. The top 5:

1. Eric Schmidt, Larry Page, and Sergey Brin, Executives, Google
2. Steve Jobs, CEO, Apple
3. Bram CohenCofounder, BitTorrent
4. Mike MorhaimePresident, Blizzard Entertainment (If your adult son is living in your basement, you can probably blame this guy. He created World of Warcraft.)
5. Jimmy Wales, Founder, Wikipedia

Other persons of interest: The guys who founded You Tube, Perez Hilton, and Fark. You can blame them for a lot of the time I spend online.

In spite of all the hours I put in, I didn't make the list.

The So-Called Patriot Act Strikes Again

Remember all those federal prosecutors that Bush just fired for no particular reason? It turns out there was a particular reason after all. (headline from fark.com)

From AP (emphasis added by me):

Lawmakers have new questions about the Bush administration's ouster of at least eight U.S. attorneys after New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici revealed Sunday that he contacted his state's prosecutor to ask about an ongoing investigation several months after calling for his replacement.

Former New Mexico U.S. Attorney David Iglesias claimed last week that he was fired in December after resisting pressure from two members of Congress to rush indictments in an investigation of an alleged Democratic kickback scheme before the 2006 election.

Domenici, a Republican, had said earlier in the week that he didn't know what Iglesias was talking about. But Sunday, he acknowledged that he called Iglesias to ask about a criminal investigation, though Domenici insisted he never pressured nor threatened Iglesias ...

But Domenici said he had been growing frustrated with Iglesias' work and had recommended months before calling him in October that the Justice Department replace him. Domenici said Iglesias' office seemed unable to move more quickly on immigration and other high-profile cases, even as Domenici worked to get them more resources.

Ethics experts said Domenici's conduct may have violated Senate rules, which generally bar communications between members of Congress and federal prosecutors about ongoing criminal investigations ...

The Justice Department has defended its decision to dismiss the U.S. attorneys, saying some were fired for performance reasons.

Congressional Democrats say they are concerned the Bush administration is using a new part of the antiterror USA Patriot Act to bypass the Senate confirmation process and reward political allies with coveted jobs as U.S. attorneys.

25 Years Ago Today

From CNN.com:

Actor-comedian Richard Belzer still dreams about him from time to time, the unselfish friend and "impish genius" who devoured life. John Landis, who directed Belushi in "Animal House" and "The Blues Brothers," is still angry at him for dying foolishly and young.

"Saturday Night Live" creator Lorne Michaels feels an obligation to "restate the obvious," that Belushi was profoundly talented and part of the show's creative DNA.

By most measures, the round comic with the sharp edges left a small body of work when a drug overdose killed him at age 33 on March 5, 1982. But his TV, movie and music performances proved influential, hitting the baby-boomer sweet spot and surviving despite pop culture's truncated attention span ...

Endlessly versatile, he inhabited the samurai deli guy, Joe Cocker, Captain Kirk and more on "Saturday Night Live." He gave us Bluto ("Food fight!") and Jake Blues, on a mission from God to save music. Always, there was a hint of intelligent mischief, if only in a masterfully lifted eyebrow ...

What might a clean Belushi have gone on to do? His career could have paralleled that of Murray, his former "Saturday Night Live" co-star who traveled from "Caddyshack" to a 2004 Oscar nomination for his poignant performance in "Lost in Translation."

"I think John had a depth to his talent that would have allowed him to reinvent himself," Michaels said.

Landis agrees. "He could have done anything."

Turn ons: John Belushi with Joe Cocker. Watch it on youtube.
Turn offs: heroin and cocaine

Saw this on someone else's blog

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Love for Sale

This guy is auctioning himself on eBay. Current bid is $10.75. Here's part of his description:


I am selling my love to someone out there who wants it. I have given so much love and received nothing but hurt. I have come to my wits end and decided that now is the time to sell it.

Why? Well I figure that everyone needs love.

Who am I? I am a person who is genuine and true. Kind and gentle yet fun and outgoing.

Why am I selling my love you ask? Well, someone cheated on me! I have decided that if someone cheats, they don't want your love but someone else's. I figure that if someone is bidding on love, they would truly want love, my love. Right now it's couped up and hurting me more. I need to get rid of it ...

... I would like to reserve the right to buy it back, given the opportunity that I can give it to someone who may appreciate it later in life ...

He's received good feedback: "pays fast, communicates well" "Smooth Transaction, AAA+, A real credit to Ebay."

(Note to Seattle, he specified Females Only.)

Why does anyone listen to this woman?

Ann Coulter spoke at the Conservative Political Action Conference today and said:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards."

According to one blogger: Coulter's comments were met with an audible gasp and then a smattering of applause and cheers.

Presidential candidates Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney, as well as the dick Cheney, were present. It's not the first time she's used gay slurs against Democrats. Last July, this is what she said about former President Clinton:

"I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some level of latent homosexuality. I think anyone with that level of promiscuity where, you know, you — I mean, he didn’t know Monica’s name until their sixth sexual encounter. There is something that is — that is of the bathhouse about that."

And she called Al Gore "a total fag."

How long do you think it'll take Cheney and the other arse-lickers to condemn what she said? I'm willing to bet we'll be out of Iraq before that happens.

Maybe Isaiah Washington can sponsor her at Homophobes Anonymous.

And here's someone else who can join them. Earlier this week, conservative radio host Michael Savage, who had just signed on to be represented by the power agents at CAA, trashed Melissa Etheridge for her Oscar speech, where she thanked her wife. He said:

"I don't like a woman married to a woman. It makes me want to puke. I want to vomit when I hear it. I think it's child abuse." He further commented on homosexuality saying, "There are people who are sexually confused, who think that they're men when they're women. They're not normal."

Unfortunately for the blowhard, CAA also reps Melissa and she generates a lot more income than he does. They dropped him.

Turn ons: duct tape - it might shut the idiots up
Turn offs: the people who pay them to spew ignorance and hatred

Too bad Woody Allen didn't live in Ohio

The Ohio Supreme Court has ruled that sex between a stepfather and an adult stepchild is illegal even if both parties consent. Not that it should have mattered in the case they heard, where a 42 year old man was accused of having sex with his 22 year old stepdaughter when she passed out after partying. The court said parents "do not cease being parents," whether natural or stepparents, when a child turns 18. (Ohio.com)

Is that you, Donkey?

From Galway First:

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

“Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as “ Mr Shrek” had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was “young and hadn’t great English.”

Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of “super rabbit” which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.

McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.

He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Yes, it's satire.

I'm afraid we'll always have Paris

All 99 counties in Iowa were declared a disaster area today because of the blizzard. All of the schools and offices and stores in town are closed, which rarely happens.

One of my online friends in Missouri woke up to tornado warnings this morning. It seems like the weather all over is more volatile than it used to be.

Here's an article that amused me:

NEW YORK The Associated Press decided to give up a major vice last week: its addiction to stories about Paris Hilton. In the past year, Hilton has appeared on the wire an average of twice a week.

The wire service's entertainment editor Jesse Washington sent a memo to staffers on Feb. 13 that said, barring any major events, the AP would not run any mention of Paris Hilton on the wire, according to the memo, which was obtained by the New York Observer.

In the Observer article Washington was quoted as saying, "There was a surprising amount of hand-wringing. A lot of people in the newsroom were saying this was tampering with the news." Washington added that one editor's response was: "This is a great idea -- can we add North Korea?"

The AP was largely successful in the experiment, but Washington said that, unfortunately, her name did pop up in a couple of stories.

Another update on the Arse-lickers: The general who commanded the North Atlantic Regional Medical Command as well as Walter Reed hospital was fired today because of the poor treatment of disabled vets. It might only be symbolic, but this is one case where the press did their job and people paid attention.

My last note for now: Don't you wish Shaq would squish that insect?