Goodbye, Molly

My favorite political columnist, Molly Ivins, died today. This is from a tribute written by her editor and friend:

If there was one thing Molly wanted us to understand, it's that the world of politics is absurd. Since we can't cry, we might as well laugh. And in case we ever forgot, Molly would remind us, several times a week, in her own unique style.

Shortly after becoming editor of Molly Ivins' syndicated column, I learned one of my most important jobs was to tell her newspaper clients that, yes, Molly meant to write it that way. We called her linguistic peculiarities "Molly-isms." Administration officials were "Bushies," government was in fact spelled "guvment," business was "bidness." And if someone was "madder than a peach orchard boar," well, he was quite mad indeed.

This is from one of Molly's last columns:

The president of the United States does not have the sense God gave a duck -- so it's up to us. You and me, Bubba.

I don't know why Bush is just standing there like a frozen rabbit, but it's time we found out. The fact is WE have to do something about it. This country is being torn apart by an evil and unnecessary war, and it has to be stopped NOW.

Bands That Can Make You GAY!!!

According to lovegodsway.org: "One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy. "

Then, they provide a helpful list of the bands to watch out for. Some of them are pretty obvious, like Queen and Elton John (so gay they listed him twice) but closet boy Clay Aiken made the list too. And so did The Doors, The Grateful Dead, The Rolling Stones, Jay-Z (Beyonce will be thrilled), and Nickelback.

Never fear. They also provided a list of "safe bands," which includes Cyndi Lauper. I'm thinking nobody ever explained to them that "She Bop" is about masturbation. They also refer to Oscar Wilde as a "reformed homosexual." Um. Yeah.

They explain, "The journey to normalcy isn't an easy one, but we will be with you through the adventure."

Their program is called C.H.O.P.S. Changing Homosexuals into Ordinary People. The leader, Donnie Davies says, "Follow me and together we'll C.H.O.P.S away the Gay. "

Aside from the fact that's bad grammar, isn't chopping how Lorena Bobbitt wound up in jail?

Turn ons: George Michael back in the day (watch the videos "Careless Whisper" and "Faith")

Turn offs: normalcy

Butch Cassidy & The Sunset Kid

Freedom of Religion? Not so much. According to some state constitutions, atheists do not have the same rights as everyone else. For example, in South Carolina, "No person shall be eligible to the office of Governor who denies the existence of the Supreme Being."

Not only am I going to hell but I can never be elected governor of South Carolina. Harsh.

And yesterday, Paul Newman turned 82. This is from an article last November:

Their combined age might be 151, but girls, girls, girls, the reunion last week of Paul Newman and Robert Redford, Hollywood's undisputed heart-throbs (now 81 and 70 respectively), had bosoms of a certain vintage heaving the world over.

Like unexpectedly bumping into your most passionate old flame, the sight of Paul Newman and Robert Redford side by side 37 years after their legendary screen partnership was born in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was a heady reminder of the overwhelming sex appeal that once divided womankind ...

Who could ever forget the tortured, smouldering Newman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Or the achingly gorgeous, perfectly preppy Redford in The Way We Were? (Remember him in naval uniform? He makes Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman look distinctly C list.) And who could ever forgive Barbra Streisand (I never will) for winning that apex of male perfection, only to lose him through constant nagging?

... Of course, it's so easy for other men to sneer at their handsome, successful brothers. Of Robert Redford, screenwriter William Goldman once said: "He's just another Californian blond throw a stick at Malibu, you'll hit six of him." Sure, but how many of the six would combine Redford's knockout charm, talent and intelligence with those boyish good looks (and who cares if he's resorted to tweakings with the scalpel to keep them)?

... Forget the oh-so-pretty boys, those puny Jude Laws, Leonardo Di Caprios and Orlando Blooms, the oafish Colin Farrells and Russell Crowes: they have zero sex appeal compared to these two ...

Just name me one Hollywood superstar or a multi-multimillionaire businessman who hasn't strayed from his wife and upgraded to a trophy 20-year-old? But Paul has remained faithful to the love of his life, Joanne Woodward, ever since he directed her in the Oscar-winning film Rachel, Rachel. They celebrate their 49th wedding anniversary in January next year.

This fact alone speaks libraries about him. I always knew that he was my kind of man, even when playing against type in The Hustler or Hud. And I mean, seriously, the kind you would hurl yourself on to the funeral pyre for.

Newman's the enlightened sort who would love you through thick and thin and wouldn't mind when you began to sag a bit. No commitment-phobic behaviour from him. And he's in the possession of a wicked, irreverent sense of humour, too. Asked recently about the secrets of his amazing mayonnaise, he replied with a mischievous grin, "Necessity is the motherfucker of invention."

Redford, I fear, is a little less humourous and more intense ... I don't care. I'd just be happy to sit and look at him for ever ...

It's men like Newman and Redford who make women want to give up the rat race even, dare I say it, the desperation for equality. Why? Because they are exceptional beings: they have morals made of steel, hearts made of gold, talent made of intelligence, and beauty made of angels. Perhaps I'm getting carried away. But really, that's not bad for 151.

I couldn't agree more!

Turn ons: blue eyes
Turn offs: one nation under God

Tom Cruise Is Jesus

Some people are saying Tom Cruise is the Jesus Christ of Scientology. Here's how Tom compares to Jesus, according to Keith Olbermann:

JC - born in Bethlehem
TC - born in Syracuse, about 150 miles from Bethlehem

JC - born of the virgin Mary
TC - still a virgin when he got married

JC - anointed in the river Jordan by John the Baptist
TC - given the keys to the spaceship by John Travolta

JC - ascended into heaven & is seated at the right hand of the Father
TC - ascended the sofa while seated at the right hand of Oprah

JC - turned water into wine
TC - juggled booze bottles in Cocktail

JC - walked on water in the Sea of Galilee
TC - got sprayed with water from a fake microphone

JC - betrayed before the cock crowed by Judas
TC - betrayed between 7 and 8 eastern time by Matt Lauer

JC - born on Christmas day
TC - Born on the Fourth of July

JC - 12 disciples
TC - A Few Good Men

JC - Last Supper
TC - Last Samurai

JC - the only Son
TC - the Top Gun

JC - "Show me your faith apart from your works and I will show you my faith by my works."
TC - "Show me the money!"

JC - on the 3rd day, came back from the dead and became Lord and Savior to a billion people worldwide
TC - came back for a 3rd Mission Impossible movie and raked in 400 million worldwide

My apartment is infested with spiders because I haven't pulled out the furniture and cleaned behind it for years. There are cobwebs everywhere. It's humiliating and I know most people would think it's because I'm lazy. But this is what depression does. I'm only barely functioning most days.

Turn ons: Tom Cruise's money shot
Turn offs: Tom Cruise

Fart Pants

Since I know some guys who could use these, thought I'd mention that one company now offers underwear with a built-in filter to eliminate fart odors.

Weird Things Dogs Eat

If you love dogs or even like them just a little, check out this funny discussion on Fark. Cute pictures too!

And now for something truly asinine, from guess who:

President Bush will propose deep tax breaks for Americans who purchase their own medical insurance and would finance the plan with an unprecedented tax on a portion of the healthcare plans that workers receive from their employers, according to the White House.

Yeah, that will resolve the health care crisis. What an idiot!

And here's where they're spending your tax dollars, instead of healthcare.

I feel like I'm creeping back toward a deeper depression. I'm having more trouble sleeping, days and nights are getting turned around again, and I'm having a really hard time getting anything done.

Turn ons: puppies
Turn offs: Jeb's big brother; he's watching you

Diddy know there were cameras?

I read an interesting article about the Decency Police at ABC. Here are a couple of excerpts:

"Desperate Housewives'" Marc Cherry said his strangest DP note came during production of the pilot, in which Eva Longoria's character has sex with her 17-year-old gardener. Looking at the post-sex scene, the DP said "does she have to smoke?" "And I went, 'So, you're good with the statutory rape thing?'" .......

"Do you guys have the nipple problem?" Cherry asked his colleagues. "I spend like $100,000 a week taking nipples out of my show because I've got a couple of actresses who refuse to wear bras, and the Standards and Practices go 'Can't see that.' ... then I'll turn on 'Friends' and it's a nipplefest."

Cherry blames it all on the uproar over Janet Jackson's nipple.

Speaking of nipples, notice the way Sean P Diddy Puff Daddy Puffy Combs is checking out the Golden Globes? It may be the first time I've ever seen a picture of him where he has his mouth closed.

And now to demonstrate that you don't have to be human to host a show on Fox News, here's the latest from that blithering idiot:

Now last night, I said 15-year-old Shawn Hornbeck might have accepted his kidnapping by that creep Michael Devlin rather than trying to escape. I also said I don't believe much in the "Stockholm Syndrome — that is the captive becoming attached to the kidnapper. — It happens, but it's rare. And Dr. Dwayne Fuselier with the FBI for 21 years will back me up on that ...

This is a complicated, disturbing story that is important for all Americans. After teaching teenagers in high school, it is hard for me to believe that a normal kid would stay in a horrible environment when escape was easy, especially if the child had confidence in his parents. No question this monster Devlin made threats and intimidated Shawn. But teenagers have brains and Shawn had the freedom to get away if he wanted to ...

I actually hope I'm wrong about Shawn Hornbeck. I hope he did not make a conscious decision to accept his captivity because Devlin made things easy for him. No school, play all day long.

Shawn's parents appeared on Oprah today. Following expert advice, they have not asked their son for details about what was done to him but they believe that he has been sexually abused for the last four years. The police discovered child pornography on the kidnapper's computer. Bill O'Reilly is a prick.

Turn ons: Jessica Biel's rack (apparently)
Turn offs: posers like Puffy

What Happened to Rocky Is Sad

Whatever happened to aging gracefully?

Is that foreskin in your lips or you just happy to see me?

Alex Kuczynski, the author of Beauty Junkies, was on "The Colbert Report" tonight. One of the things they talked about was so goofy that I had to google it. If the picture of The Joker (aka Bree Walker, the formerly pretty former wife of sportscaster Jim Lampley) isn't enough to convince you not to get your lips done, maybe this will:

Kuczynski provides delicious tidbits for the cocktail-party circuit: that, for example, the synthetic collagen called Cosmoplast is manufactured from fetal foreskin stem cells harvested from a single baby boy, who would now be a teenager. (It’s probably a good thing, she notes, that he doesn’t know that cells from his penis are filling “the lips of hundreds of thousands of men and women around the planet.” He might need as many therapists.)

That's from the New York Times.

I watched the Golden Globes tonight (occasionally funny, mostly boring) waiting to see whether or not Brad Pitt won Best Actor for Babel. Oops. He wasn't nominated. The movie was a disappointment. I liked it but it wasn't nearly as good as Iñarrito's other films (21 Grams, Amores Perros). 21 Grams was one of the best movies I've ever scene.

Something not so funny: Take a look at this account of OJ Simpson's If I Did It book.

Turn ons: Steven Colbert
Turn offs: Abusive husbands getting away with murder

Emerson Dunne

Today, I wrote the first draft of a short story called "Emerson Dunne." I woke up with the whole story in my head. I think it's good but I'm sure it'll be crap when I look at it tomorrow.

Now that I don't have the HBO and Starz package, and I refuse to pay $3 to rent a movie, Saturday nights are seriously lacking in entertainment. I watched "Moving Up," a show on TLC hosted by Doug Wilson. He dyed his hair to get rid of some of the gray and it's not a good look for him. I can't decide whether or not he's gay. Maybe he's not sure either.

One of the things I've been wanting to look into is whether or not anyone's ever researched the relationship between bipolar disorder and illnesses like the flu. I was so incredibly depressed for months, then I got really sick with the flu and my mood flipped. I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

Next time I'm depressed, I think I'll go hang out around sick babies.

Turn ons: tmz.com
Turn offs: weekends

This Guy's in Congress

Tonight Keith Olberman featured a video of a speech that Rep. David Wu (Democrat, Oregon) made in Congress. Here's a partial transcript:

Mr. Speaker, four years ago this administration took America to war in Iraq without adequate evidence. Since that time, the administration hasn't listened to the American people, it hasn't listened to our professional military, and it certainly hasn't listened to this Congress ...

Now, this president has listened to some people, the so-called Vulcans in the white house, the ideologues. But you know, unlike the Vulcans of Star Trek, who made their decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology. These aren't Vulcans. There are Klingons in the White House. But unlike the real Klingons of Star Trek, these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own. Don't let faux Klingons send real Americans to war. It's wrong.

Can you believe Leonard Nimoy will be 76 in March? Everybody's getting so old!

Oh, yeah. And I caved. I watched the rebroadcast of The Apprentice premiere on CNBC, even though I'm boycotting the show. It was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. For the last half hour, I played Spider Solitaire with my back to the TV.

Turn ons: Rosie's blog
Turn offs: Getting old

Real Men Have Hair

By way of apology for the picture you'll see below.

Rock Stars Aren't Normal

Some things you don't want to see. Like Steven Tyler in a speedo. Yikes. For a guy who will be 59 in a couple months, he's in pretty good shape. But he's had his entire body depilated. Check out his armpits and his legs. Just. Not. Normal.

According to his bio on IMDb, this is what he wants on his gravestone:

Here lies Tyler, the Demon of Screamin, who never woke up from the dream he was dreamin, until one day he drank some magic potion, now all that's left is sweet emotion.

At least he's thinking ahead.

Turn ons: Steven Tyler fully clothed back when he still had eyebrows.
Turn offs: Speedos

Rosie O'Donald

Rosie O'Donnell made fun of his hair; Donald Trump called her a big fat slob and a degenerate. And he won't shut up about it.

Everyone but the beer guzzling, ball scratching, misogynistic Republicans who grace NBC's Apprentice message boards think that Donald is coming out the loser. (Interesting how NBC cleanses their board several times a day. The posts complaining about Donald seem to disappear.) Even Barbara Walters, who never trashes anybody, called him a "poor, pathetic man."

Oh, and by the way, Bush is sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq. And stirring up trouble with Iran, even sending air craft carriers to the region. And bombing alleged al Qaeda targets in Somalia.

But I'd rather talk about Brangelina. *sigh* Aren't they beautiful? If you had a guy who looked that good, wouldn't you handcuff him to the bed? And maybe handcuff yourself to him. You could order room service once in awhile, but really, there'd be no reason to ever leave your room.

If you kept him handcuffed you wouldn't have to worry that he'd run off with his next co-star.

My life at the moment: I'm sleeping through the night, going to bed before midnight, waking up once or twice but getting back to sleep, and getting up between 7 and 8. For several nights in a row now. This never happens!

To close for tonight, some comments from my other boyfriend:

Only this president, only in this time, only with this dangerous, even messianic certitude, could answer a country demanding an exit strategy from Iraq, by offering an entrance strategy for Iran.

Only this president could look out over a vista of 3,008 dead and 22,834 wounded in Iraq, and finally say, “Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me” — only to follow that by proposing to repeat the identical mistake ... in Iran ...

Mr. Bush, this is madness.

You have lost the military. You have lost the Congress to the Democrats. You have lost most of the Iraqis. You have lost many of the Republicans. You have lost our allies.

You are losing the credibility, not just of your presidency, but more importantly of the office itself.

And most imperatively, you are guaranteeing that more American troops will be losing their lives, and more families their loved ones. You are guaranteeing it!

This becomes your legacy, sir: How many of those you addressed last night as your “fellow citizens” you just sent to their deaths.

And for what, Mr. Bush?

So the next president has to pull the survivors out of Iraq instead of you?

To quote Keith Olbermann and Edward R. Murrow: Good night and good luck.

Turn ons: Rosie socking it to the man
Turn offs: Limp dicked idiots who try to prove their manhood by invading other countries